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Wow, we could have almost lived the same life. Unless folks responding to this thread have lived this, they're clueless. Where mine is different is that I had joint custody but a lot of good that does when the ex picks up and moves out of town and doesn't bother to tell you where, just send the money to the attorneys office. She also reopen all of my credit cards in my name and ran up huge debt and then didn't pay. I guess it shouldn't be important that she embezzled over $300,000. from my business before we split along with buying a new car. But in the daughters eyes I'm the bad guy. She made an attempt to contact me via Facebook and we exchanged a few emails but that was it. The daughter, she's 45 now, has a girl, a brainless teen apparently as her mom got in a bad car wreck and all I could get out of the teen was that she missed her boyfriend and moms wreck and being in the hospital sure was an inconvenience. That would never had worked at my house as disrespect wasn't allowed from my other 2 girls of a different wife (both girls are HIGHLY successful). I decided that we were nothing alike and had nothing in common. I closed the door on it and it will stay closed. The only times I ever hear from her is when she wants something. I don't work like that. If the relationship is causing you any pain, close the door. Life is far too short for needless pain from others. I call it having self respect. If you don't have self respect, don't expect it from others.
Shadowwalker, perhaps one reason your daughter gave you access on Facebook was because she would like to see YOUR posts, not just your responses to her posts and pictures. She may curious to see what kind of person you are now before deciding if she wants to reach out further. Facebook gives her a safe way to do this without commitment on her part.
Wow, we could have almost lived the same life. Unless folks responding to this thread have lived this, they're clueless. Where mine is different is that I had joint custody but a lot of good that does when the ex picks up and moves out of town and doesn't bother to tell you where, just send the money to the attorneys office. She also reopen all of my credit cards in my name and ran up huge debt and then didn't pay. I guess it shouldn't be important that she embezzled over $300,000. from my business before we split along with buying a new car. But in the daughters eyes I'm the bad guy. She made an attempt to contact me via Facebook and we exchanged a few emails but that was it. The daughter, she's 45 now, has a girl, a brainless teen apparently as her mom got in a bad car wreck and all I could get out of the teen was that she missed her boyfriend and moms wreck and being in the hospital sure was an inconvenience. That would never had worked at my house as disrespect wasn't allowed from my other 2 girls of a different wife (both girls are HIGHLY successful). I decided that we were nothing alike and had nothing in common. I closed the door on it and it will stay closed. The only times I ever hear from her is when she wants something. I don't work like that. If the relationship is causing you any pain, close the door. Life is far too short for needless pain from others. I call it having self respect. If you don't have self respect, don't expect it from others.
I'm speechless. Except to say you are not the same as the OP. Your daughter had TWO terrible parents.
I really can't beat up on you because it is hard to understand one person's situation unless you lived it yourself, but I wondered, like the others did, as to why you didn't fight tooth and nail to stay in your Daughter's life. They would have had to put me in a cell to keep me away from having a relationship with my Sons if my Wife and I had divorced when they were young.
My Wife and I were having problems when they were about 14 and she wanted a divorce, but I told her "You can go wherever you want but these boys are going to have their Father in their life every day, so I am not going anywhere." We were able to hang in there for another 14 years before we did split and even at 28 the divorce left some serious scars on both of them.
If I were you, I would write her a handwritten letter and attempt to explain how things went wrong and what that period was like in your life. Tell you you have always loved her and that you would love the opportunity to sit down over coffee and just talk. I would expect that if she does it the first meeting will not be very pleasant as she will want to vent, but that is ok.
I am sure her Mom filled her with all the poison about you and she needs to see that you are not the monster she thinks. Since your Daughter is now a Mom herself, she may now have a little better perspective on Parenting and be more willing to try to move past all of this.
Depends on what you want? If you cut off contact, you won't ever get another chance...ever. Are you prepared for that? Ok with that? When she got back in contact with you, what were you really expecting? Sounds like you were anticipating being able to tell your side and have her understand how you got victimized. Are you done wanting to see pictures of your grandkids as they grow up?
The only thing I can say is...if you decide you are done and this isn't what you want. Cut off contact completely. Disappear from her life totally. Allow her to forget about you and recover emotionally from a father that left her twice in her lifetime. Don't show back up 5 years from now to "try again".
My first Marriage started out I married for looks and she wanted a way out from under her parents. We grew closer and had a daughter and did well. My job in times of the energy slow down kept me away from home long hours to keep us above the bills. Towards the end my wife was in it for my paycheck and I just didn't have anywhere else to go. We split when my daughter was 7, my ex's idea. I had a lawyer that didn't fight for me and I didn't know my rights. My ex got sole custody and I had to bend when I could to her whims to see my daughter. I was never late on support and did send money to my daughter. After a time we grew far apart and I didn't have contact with my replacement adopting my daughter towards the last of her high school years. I tried contact when my daughter turned 18 and she refused it. When she got around 30 she decided to start it up again through face book. I can now see pictures of her children and make neutral comments. I have been warned about saying negatives against my ex,her parents and how I was treated by them while married to my fist wife. I have never been invited to see my daughters family in person,she lives in another town. I only see the pictures on facebook and see posts.
My question is this. Should I be satisfied with just this or cut it off and end the pain. I know there is still pain and hurt in her over the split, but it was made clear about discussing this.
Rip me up, talk nice to me, can't hurt more over this and I was just thinking maybe I could get more perspective from a stranger on it.
Screw it, I would cut her off and not even deal with it. It sounds mean, I know, but you can't force someone to have a relationship with you and its obvious that she doesn't want one, or it's on her terms i.e. half of a relationship. I also don't let anyone control what I say or do, she is clearly calling the shots here, it's up to you if you can deal with it or not. I know that I wouldn't.
Screw it, I would cut her off and not even deal with it. It sounds mean, I know, but you can't force someone to have a relationship with you and its obvious that she doesn't want one, or it's on her terms i.e. half of a relationship. I also don't let anyone control what I say or do, she is clearly calling the shots here, it's up to you if you can deal with it or not. I know that I wouldn't.
This isn't just "someone" or "anyone" though... It is his child.
This isn't just "someone" or "anyone" though... It is his child.
I read the post, I know who it was...
Even if it is his daughter, they haven't been in touch for a long time so even though there are blood related, there is no relationship there. It takes more than just blood to make a father-daughter relationship work and if the other person isn't willing AND he is consistantly being hurt by it, which he said he was, there is no reason to continue. He is getting hurt, he is putting himself out there. That just doesn't seem fair to me. It takes two and adding someone on FB to "test the waters" is a poor excuse. You either want to try to have a relationship or you don't. I don't know about the OP, but I don't have time for games.
So sorry to hear about all those lost years with your daughter. It is obvious she was fed a lot of negative information about you growing up. I think it is really wonderful that you paid the child support all those years, so many men don't. This is a hard one to call because you want a relationship with your daughter but have to tread on eggshells the whole way. Is your daughter aware that you want more from this relationship? I think I would write her a letter/email and tell her how sad you are for all those lost years and how you want to get to know her and her family better.
Wow, we could have almost lived the same life. Unless folks responding to this thread have lived this, they're clueless. Where mine is different is that I had joint custody but a lot of good that does when the ex picks up and moves out of town and doesn't bother to tell you where, just send the money to the attorneys office. She also reopen all of my credit cards in my name and ran up huge debt and then didn't pay. I guess it shouldn't be important that she embezzled over $300,000. from my business before we split along with buying a new car. But in the daughters eyes I'm the bad guy. She made an attempt to contact me via Facebook and we exchanged a few emails but that was it. The daughter, she's 45 now, has a girl, a brainless teen apparently as her mom got in a bad car wreck and all I could get out of the teen was that she missed her boyfriend and moms wreck and being in the hospital sure was an inconvenience. That would never had worked at my house as disrespect wasn't allowed from my other 2 girls of a different wife (both girls are HIGHLY successful). I decided that we were nothing alike and had nothing in common. I closed the door on it and it will stay closed. The only times I ever hear from her is when she wants something. I don't work like that. If the relationship is causing you any pain, close the door. Life is far too short for needless pain from others. I call it having self respect. If you don't have self respect, don't expect it from others.
Yeah, you guys are both the same uncaring fathers who blame your children for responding to you in kind. My father would never ever have dropped all contact with me just because my Mother was an impossible person who made everyone's life - especially his - difficult. Thank God I had a father who loved me, not someone who referred to me as "the" daughter like I was just an object.
"THE daughter has A GIRL." How about MY daughter has MY GRAND-DAUGHTER? But, no - your grand daughter is a "brainless teen." YOUR daughter - not "the" daughter was in the hospital from a car wreck and all you can do is complain about your grand-daughter's perceived selfishness???? Did you even call the hospital to find out if your daughter was going to be OK?
The people who replied to the OP were NOT the clueless ones, but guess who really is? I bet your second wife raised those two HIGHLY successful girls mostly on her own, no thanks to you. If my father had treated me the same way you treated "the" daughter, I'd have spit in his eye and refused to ever talk to him again.
The best thing about your post is that it reminded me all over again (not that I need reminding) how lucky I am to have had a father like mine and how much I miss him to this very day. Had he been like you, I doubt that I'd even notice he was gone since he would never have been there in the first place.
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