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Old 07-25-2013, 01:03 PM
 
444 posts, read 818,883 times
Reputation: 192

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I've been living with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. His parents are nice people, but I have a few problems with them. Right now, the big problem is that they force us into situations.

In May, my bf and I were planing to go somewhere for the fourth of July weekend. We had to cancel our plans because his parents decided to go on an over seas vacation for 5 weeks leaving in late June. And of course, they were leaving his younger siblings with us. (This wasn't a request either. It was clearly a demand.) They let him know 3 weeks before their flight.

Now, they are coming back Monday from vacation and want to stay with us for a week (again a demand not a request. this want not the Original plan).

I have a few problems with this:

1.) They are vegetarian, and I am not. they don't like me eating meat in front of them.

2.) His mom complains that when i'm around, it "doesn't count" as him spending time with him and it "counts" when his father and siblings are there. It's a 700sqft apartment, this is rather ridiculous. AND, she refuses to go out with just him. (I've suggested the two of them go to lunch, or something, to get some alone time. But, then he has to take everyone but me. But then, he ends up footing the bill for 5 people.)

3.) His vacation time is dwindling fast. Between the time he was expecting to spend at Christmas (with his parents), and this unplanned visit (where they are guilting him to take time off), his already lacking vacation days are dwindling. We really wanted to go somewhere.

4.) They are very "pushy". Everything has to be done their way, because their way is the better way. They always have reasons as to why the appliances/food items/household goods are in the wrong place/being used too harshly or in the wrong way/cost to much and were not worth the investment. OR I need to learn to cook how/what his mom cooks. Most of the things she tries to force me to learn how to make take roughly 5 hours of labor/waiting time to make.

I'm not sure how to go about dealing with their visit. I'm also not sure how much effort to put into their concerns/demands. Part of the past pushy behavior has been that I do not do nice things for them. Like invite them over for dinner (This conflicted with issue 2 above), or when he want to visit them sending food with him. But, I did send stuff like small appliances (either give them or letting her try them when she asked for them), and even gave them my recliner.

Before they left, they stayed here for 5 days (I was visiting my mom) and his mother made all the food in the house.

This leave me with a few questions:

1.) What are other peoples thoughts on this behavior?

2.) Should I be cooking for them? Or should his mom?

3.) And how much effort/time would be reasonable for me to put into these meals (I don't want to spend 5 hours making food)? (Personally, I've peeved because of the demands/short notice and them sucking his vacation time.)

4.) What's a reasonable way get them stop guilting him into using all his vacation? What percentage of vacation time is reasonable to spend with them this trip?

5.) Any suggestions for reasonable ways to handle the "pushy" behavior would be appreciated.

Thanks!
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Old 07-25-2013, 01:09 PM
 
11,412 posts, read 7,769,043 times
Reputation: 21922
You need to discuss these issues with your BF and then let him set firm limits with his parents.
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Old 07-25-2013, 01:10 PM
 
4,217 posts, read 7,289,482 times
Reputation: 5372
Dealt with these all-to-familiar situations.

They can destroy a relationship.

It's up to your bf to put his foot down and not leave you in awkward/uncomfortable situations.
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Old 07-25-2013, 01:10 PM
 
2,098 posts, read 2,491,849 times
Reputation: 9744
The real problem here sounds like your boyfriend. Where does he stand on all of this? Does he agree with their behavior or does he agree with you? If he does agree with you, is he just too spineless to say anything to them?

If he's not willing to come to an agreement with you and HIM enforce it with his parents, IMHO it's a big problem.

I would insist:
-No more "surprise" favors. Next time they inform him he's watching the kids, say, "No, I'm not available. Sorry."
-No more uninvited visits, and if your apartment is only 700 sf, they need to stay in a hotel
-If you aren't welcome to come along, he shouldn't go (with rare exception--I would feel differently if they weren't making such an issue of it, but that's plain rude.)

Of course, none of this does any good if he agrees with them.
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Old 07-25-2013, 01:10 PM
 
Location: socal baby
1,355 posts, read 2,541,697 times
Reputation: 928
toxic in-laws are common. you will never be good enough for their son/daughter mindset. my best advice is just to limit your time, contact and communication with them. if they ask why you don't spend more time with them, just tell them you feel like they are always looking for some defect in you but that you understand that they just want to best for their son/daughter.

do that and disconnect from them and I promise you it will get better over time.
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Old 07-25-2013, 01:11 PM
 
11,865 posts, read 16,973,653 times
Reputation: 20084
Your bf should grow a backbone and deal with it.

You've set a precedent by catering to them so you're going to have to set them straight and not give in.

Good luck.
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Old 07-25-2013, 01:15 PM
 
513 posts, read 894,894 times
Reputation: 1040
this actually sounds pretty typical for the most part, "they" are trying to show "you" your place. you have to either accept it and fade out when they are around, or stand up for yourself in front of them AND before their arrival with your BF.

as to them callign 3 weeks out and saying your younger siblings are coming to stay with you, that is something the 2 of you should have discussed and then he should have called them back with the answer. i think you and he need to have a long sit down conversation about this....
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Old 07-25-2013, 01:17 PM
 
Location: Long Island, NY
7,844 posts, read 13,205,283 times
Reputation: 9247
Quote:
Originally Posted by candycanechick View Post
I've been living with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. His parents are nice people, but I have a few problems with them. Right now, the big problem is that they force us into situations.

In May, my bf and I were planing to go somewhere for the fourth of July weekend. We had to cancel our plans because his parents decided to go on an over seas vacation for 5 weeks leaving in late June. And of course, they were leaving his younger siblings with us. (This wasn't a request either. It was clearly a demand.) They let him know 3 weeks before their flight.

Now, they are coming back Monday from vacation and want to stay with us for a week (again a demand not a request. this want not the Original plan).

I have a few problems with this:

1.) They are vegetarian, and I am not. they don't like me eating meat in front of them.

2.) His mom complains that when i'm around, it "doesn't count" as him spending time with him and it "counts" when his father and siblings are there. It's a 700sqft apartment, this is rather ridiculous. AND, she refuses to go out with just him. (I've suggested the two of them go to lunch, or something, to get some alone time. But, then he has to take everyone but me. But then, he ends up footing the bill for 5 people.)

3.) His vacation time is dwindling fast. Between the time he was expecting to spend at Christmas (with his parents), and this unplanned visit (where they are guilting him to take time off), his already lacking vacation days are dwindling. We really wanted to go somewhere.

4.) They are very "pushy". Everything has to be done their way, because their way is the better way. They always have reasons as to why the appliances/food items/household goods are in the wrong place/being used too harshly or in the wrong way/cost to much and were not worth the investment. OR I need to learn to cook how/what his mom cooks. Most of the things she tries to force me to learn how to make take roughly 5 hours of labor/waiting time to make.

I'm not sure how to go about dealing with their visit. I'm also not sure how much effort to put into their concerns/demands. Part of the past pushy behavior has been that I do not do nice things for them. Like invite them over for dinner (This conflicted with issue 2 above), or when he want to visit them sending food with him. But, I did send stuff like small appliances (either give them or letting her try them when she asked for them), and even gave them my recliner.

Before they left, they stayed here for 5 days (I was visiting my mom) and his mother made all the food in the house.

This leave me with a few questions:

1.) What are other peoples thoughts on this behavior?

2.) Should I be cooking for them? Or should his mom?

3.) And how much effort/time would be reasonable for me to put into these meals (I don't want to spend 5 hours making food)? (Personally, I've peeved because of the demands/short notice and them sucking his vacation time.)

4.) What's a reasonable way get them stop guilting him into using all his vacation? What percentage of vacation time is reasonable to spend with them this trip?

5.) Any suggestions for reasonable ways to handle the "pushy" behavior would be appreciated.

Thanks!
For whatever reason, she hasn't accepted you and feels you're not good enough for sonny boy. I don't think there's anything YOU can do or say. Your BF has to step up to the plate and speak up. How does his father treat or speak to you?

As for who cooks, when I visit family we all cook, especially if we're staying with them for a few days. If they are vegetarian I'd rather they cook since that's what they mainly consume. I wouldn't know how to improvise and turn a meat dish into a meatless/dairy free one.

And how does it take 5 hours to cook vegetarian food?
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Old 07-25-2013, 01:26 PM
 
444 posts, read 818,883 times
Reputation: 192
Quote:
Originally Posted by UNC4Me View Post
You need to discuss these issues with your BF and then let him set firm limits with his parents.
This is were a lot of our problems come in. Mainly, because I view the world one way, him another, and his parents another. He and I are not really sure what's "reasonable", "typical", "common". Something that, isn't over the top and very offensive.
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Old 07-25-2013, 01:27 PM
 
2,758 posts, read 4,950,244 times
Reputation: 3014
Quote:
Originally Posted by findly185 View Post
Dealt with these all-to-familiar situations.

They can destroy a relationship.

It's up to your bf to put his foot down and not leave you in awkward/uncomfortable situations.
It really is this 'simple'. Although difficult.
It is the responsibility of the persons who's family that strains a relationship to set up boundries and realistic expectations.

Block out an evening or day or whatever and talk to you bf about the issues, I would guess he shares your opinion on some of them, if not all of them.

I had a LTR in which the exgf had a mom that was a good person, but when the gf's mom and g'ma came to visit, the whole dynamic of my and my gf's house got flipped upside down. And on top of it, when they visited, they HAD to stay for 7 days or more. There were some other issues, but t drove me crazy all added together the issues.

Realistically, things are not going to change THAT much. I don't know how many people really solve these 'family strains'.

If the relationship is worth it, more than likely you have to endure the situation, but hopefully over time, your bf finds ways to help EVERYONE be more comfortable when family visits.
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