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Old 07-31-2013, 10:30 AM
 
2,172 posts, read 2,512,159 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bande1102 View Post
I applaud the strength of anyone who can get through the childhoods that have been described. Wasn't there anyone in the family (grandparents, aunts, uncles) who stepped up and tried to help? My friend at least had a grandmother (I actually had a chance to meet her--wonderful woman) who, while she didn't exactly address what was going on, was at least very kind to her and it was obvious that she adored her granddaughter.
I was fortunate to live with my grandmother and father when I turned 15. My grandmother, well, she was the most loving and saintly person I have and will ever know. She kept me on "the straight and narrow" road. I think, that without her, I would have been lost. My father always treated me well. He was an ex marine, served two tours in Nam and was a no nonsense kinda father. He wouldn't allow me to feel bad for myself about the way my mother treated me.
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Old 07-31-2013, 10:45 AM
 
Location: The Greater Houston Metro Area
8,985 posts, read 14,623,457 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bande1102 View Post
I applaud the strength of anyone who can get through the childhoods that have been described. Wasn't there anyone in the family (grandparents, aunts, uncles) who stepped up and tried to help? My friend at least had a grandmother (I actually had a chance to meet her--wonderful woman) who, while she didn't exactly address what was going on, was at least very kind to her and it was obvious that she adored her granddaughter.
Yes, I had a wonderful grandmother. She was married to my step-grandfather before I was even born - and yet I was his favorite grandchild, even over his real grandchildren - so he was my grandfather of the heart. Also, I had a great aunt. They stepped in from time to time - and I eventually went to live with my grandparents at about 16. My biggest regret is that no one took my one little brother out of the same mess. The other brother's response was to become intolerable.

An older relative or family friend can make a world of difference in a young person's life.
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Old 07-31-2013, 10:54 AM
 
Location: So Cal
40,183 posts, read 39,738,202 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by helenejen View Post
Why post about how much you were wanted on a thread about unwanted children? Want to rub it in for those that weren't?
Yeah, I was kind of thinking the same thing myself......
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Old 07-31-2013, 11:08 AM
 
Location: Columbia, California
6,662 posts, read 26,208,561 times
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My father never wanted children. I was told daily that when my mother wanted a baby he wanted a dog.
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Old 07-31-2013, 11:20 AM
 
60 posts, read 67,960 times
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A child doesn't need to be told they were not wanted, they know by the way they are treated. Especially when the other siblings were/are wanted.

I am a 'love child' born in 1970 from an affair. My entire life I was treated differently than my older brother and then when my mom and step-dad had kids I was pretty much treated like an unpaid nanny and housekeeper. (though my older brother was still treated well). It was not until I was searching for my biological father that I found out the man listed on my birth certificate was not actually my bio-father, just my moms husband at the time I was born. I was 26. After I found my actual bio-father and talked with him he told me he didn't think I was actually born. Per my grandmother- my mom wanted to abort me but my grandparents wouldn't pay for it (and I assume they were VERY expensive in 1969) and therefore my mom had to have me.

Apparently I was my mom's bad memory of a time she was just out for fun.

Am I better for knowing the truth or would it have just been better to be a daughter whose mom treated her badly? I don't know. Is it better to know why your mom doesn't like you? I don't know.
Do I have a good relationship with my mom? I try, but it is hard. She is still a lot closer to my three brothers, but still I try.

A girl (any kid) needs a mom, especially when they don't have a dad (I met my bio-dad twice, but it was really weird so I gave up working on building a relationship there). I am also not close to my step-dad, so having any parental relationship would be nice. My grandmother and I were close, when she died it tore me apart.

In short, if you know someone who is lacking a parent, for any reason, reach out to them if you can...it can really change a life.
(sorry this was so long, it is obviously a passionate topic for me:-)
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Old 07-31-2013, 12:29 PM
 
1,263 posts, read 2,758,627 times
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Yes.

I'm lucky, though, since Mom aborted her other unwanted pregnancies. She said she was lonely at the time she got pregnant with me and thought she'd have me because she was almost 30. And yes, she told me this when I was still a young child.

She was emotionally abusive to me, unsurprisingly. She told me on two separate occasions that I was "such a bad girl" that she was going to call social services to take me away forever...I was 8 years old!

She was married, middle-class and financially stable; she just was one of those "poor me, nothing is ever my fault!" types. I look at my children every day and vow to NEVER make them feel the way she made me feel.
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Old 07-31-2013, 01:02 PM
 
1,263 posts, read 2,758,627 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
This thread is making me sad.

I know a little 8-year-old girl, born to two very high-achieving, very financially well-off parents. I don't have much contact with the mom, but from the time this child was a baby, the dad has never had anything nice to say about her. When she was an infant, he "joked "that she was a bad baby. As she got older, she had lots of behavior issues at day care and preschool and he often talked about spanking her in an almost boastful manner. One year, when she was about 4, Santa Clause did not come because she was bad. Her parents told her this.

Now she has a brother who's about 3 and the kid can do no wrong. It's like night and day to hear her father talk about the son. I don't understand it and never will.

From a very good source I heard yesterday that the little girl is at summer camp and had a bad experience with some other kids. She said, "No one likes me. My parents don't even like me," and stormed out of the room. My heart breaks for her, and really for everyone who didn't feel loved or liked as a child.
The favoritism towards the brother makes it much worse because she'll see it as confirmation that she's particularly unworthy of love. So horrible!

It will be very difficult for that girl to bond normally or have a trusting marriage someday. Sadly, her relationship with her brother will be poisoned by the favoritism so she won't even feel like she can trust him.

It took me years of therapy to understand that I wasn't an evil person just because my mother always treated me like one. I didn't trust anybody. I thought I was so unlikeable that I couldn't even have a normal loving relationship until I was 31 years old.
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Old 07-31-2013, 01:05 PM
 
Location: Camberville
11,977 posts, read 16,700,390 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LOL_Whut View Post
She was emotionally abusive to me, unsurprisingly. She told me on two separate occasions that I was "such a bad girl" that she was going to call social services to take me away forever...I was 8 years old!
Have you ever called your mom out on it as an adult? My mother tells me time and time again that she has no memory of saying it, but my brother and I both share the memories.

She also doesn't remember when she was upset about a fight she and my dad had, so she threw a plate in my brother's general direction (she wasn't throwing it AT him, but still!). I took him to his room, packed us both some clothes and our piggy banks in backpacks, and left the house hoping that a police officer would find us and take us away. I was 5 and my brother was 3 or 4. We got in even MORE trouble when I think most parents would recognize that they were causing serious damage.
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Old 07-31-2013, 01:06 PM
 
Location: southern california
55,479 posts, read 74,374,114 times
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Was and am
The trick is to focus on your usefulness not your personality
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Old 07-31-2013, 02:03 PM
 
1,263 posts, read 2,758,627 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
Have you ever called your mom out on it as an adult? My mother tells me time and time again that she has no memory of saying it, but my brother and I both share the memories.

She also doesn't remember when she was upset about a fight she and my dad had, so she threw a plate in my brother's general direction (she wasn't throwing it AT him, but still!). I took him to his room, packed us both some clothes and our piggy banks in backpacks, and left the house hoping that a police officer would find us and take us away. I was 5 and my brother was 3 or 4. We got in even MORE trouble when I think most parents would recognize that they were causing serious damage.
No, I've never brought it up to her because she'd deny it. She'd say I made it all up to make her look bad...

She usually minimized or even lied about her bad conduct. I knew that by the time I was 5.

The first time she threatened to have social services take me away "because you're so bad" I hadn't even done anything unusual. I can't remember what the disagreement was. She said she'd already called, they were on their way to get me, and added, "and you'll never see me or your brother again!"

I sat by the front window watching for a social worker's car to pull up (I imagined that they'd come in a big sedan for some reason). I thought I wouldn't be allowed to take any of my stuffed animals or toys - because I was so bad, you know? I thought I'd be sent to a child prison or something.

We had a corner lot with a stop sign up out front, so every time a sedan would slow down to stop, my heart would leap into my throat.

After several hours of waiting, I realized Mom hadn't actually called anyone to take me away. Instead of being relieved, I was just shocked that she would lie about something so important. I decided that I couldn't trust anything she said to me.

Two weeks later, she made the same threat. That time I only waited by the window for 1/2 hour.

I'm not surprised your parents punished you for trying to save your brother from their abuse. That's classic denial - they wanted to think YOU are the problem, not them, even though they were the parents and you were a small child. "You MAKE me act like this!" Sounds familiar.
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