U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 03-16-2014, 01:06 AM
 
Location: State of Grace
1,580 posts, read 1,133,032 times
Reputation: 2614

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerania View Post
No; no one said it would be fair. It isn't fair. Why is one child loved and nurtured, and the next dismissed or brutalized.

I, too, was an unwanted child. Is it always the mother who says this? That's what I've gleaned from reading this thread.
No idea, Gerania, but my mother made a career out of it. My stepfather abused us physically, but my mother adored my younger brother (so do I, bless him - he has stage IV cirrhosis as of this writing ), still, she didn't stop the beatings. I still have nightmares about seeing my then three-year-old brother beaten unconscious... and I wish that were the worst of it. My mother routinely delivered lines like, 'I wish I'd never taken you,' (when she left my father), and 'You're not a real person - you're a joke,' and she LOVED to tell me that I was fat (I certainly wasn't, but I believed her, and wouldn't eat properly for years) and had my father's legs, which was really just an excuse to not let me go to ballet class. Got her back on that one though, as I won a freestyle dance competition at a residential school for underprivileged children when I was 10. She had to let me dance after that, as the school was insistent. She never once heard me play the violin, or come to a theatrical play in which I was involved. (She didn't miss *one* of my brother's singing events, and he's still terrific. (He won the Glasgow Music Festival four years in a row.)

To be fair, she *did* come to see me sing and play (the guitar) once, when I was around thirty... once, in 40+ years.

When I won the National Book Award, at age 11, she didn't come to the ceremony.

I let her read my first prize-winning poem when I was 13. She laughed at the topic (love), corrected it for grammatical mistakes (as she saw them), and handed it back to me.

I sent her my first prize-winning novel. She didn't read it.

Yada, yada, yada....

I can manage to forgive her - and both of my 'fathers', but I'll NEVER understand not loving your own child. And yes, she told me that on a regular basis too. Sigh.... Let's talk about people who were kind to us - this is depressing!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 03-16-2014, 02:54 AM
 
Location: Ostend,Belgium....
8,821 posts, read 6,351,863 times
Reputation: 4885
My mother had taken tons of morning after pills and then she had me...When I was about 16, I asked her why she had me when she got rid of all the others. She said by the time she found out she was pregnant, she was too far along ...and that her life would've been so much better had she had an abortion. Nice feeling! I stopped contact with her years ago. My life is better without her negativity in it. I still fight to accept myself ...I used to make excuses for her behavior, I do think she had been a victim of incest. But in the end there's no excuse for keeping an unwanted child. No matter what you say or do, the child knows.
__________________
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator : San Francisco-Oakland
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-16-2014, 03:25 AM
 
Location: State of Grace
1,580 posts, read 1,133,032 times
Reputation: 2614
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaggieZ View Post
My mother had taken tons of morning after pills and then she had me...When I was about 16, I asked her why she had me when she got rid of all the others. She said by the time she found out she was pregnant, she was too far along ...and that her life would've been so much better had she had an abortion. Nice feeling! I stopped contact with her years ago. My life is better without her negativity in it. I still fight to accept myself ...I used to make excuses for her behavior, I do think she had been a victim of incest. But in the end there's no excuse for keeping an unwanted child. No matter what you say or do, the child knows.
It seems to me that there's a lot of pain in this thread, no matter how we each define or handle it, and God knows, I'm not having fun, but maybe... just maybe we can help each other a little, even if we thought we had a good handle on what hurt(s) us.

I've always used may parents' age to excuse or at least rationalize their behavior.

Do you know that most babies in the womb can sense when they're not wanted, and they abort themselves, or in other words, choose not to be born. (Medical scientific fact - Google it and you'll see.) I'm a doctor, so I don't have the luxury of ignorance. Even if unwanted babies do survive, they seldom make it past their first year.

I choose to believe that those of us who were spared an early demise, hung in because there was something we were given to contribute; a gift that we were meant to share, and something specific to do. I know this is true of my life, what about yours?

Y'know, some things in this life we get over, and others we just get through, but despite the rejection, the pain, and the heartache, I believe we've been given something to offer others... if only empathy. What d'you think?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-16-2014, 04:19 AM
 
Location: Ostend,Belgium....
8,821 posts, read 6,351,863 times
Reputation: 4885
yeah, I tried to make my life worthwhile.
I did fall from one bad relationship into another, ..friendships also were (are still) one sided. All because of my low selfworth. But even though I know this, it's a struggle to feel different about yourself when the one person everyone says "loves you unconditionally", didnt. I wish I didn't hold on to that.
My dysfunctional background and my then husband's dysfunctional background(oh yeah!) was what my son was born into. He took his own life at 16.. What solidity and resourcefullness can you give your child when you're a mess yourself? I am glad for the 16 years I had him in my life but hindsight tells me I was ill equipped to be a mother. Love alone is not enough. We live and love by example and even though I tried to do all those things different, it wasn't right. Of course the rest of the dysfunctional people in his life were no help. it's a struggle between saying some people should never have kids and knowing I did love him and did what I thought was best for him.
Sorry to stear things the wrong way here maybe but our background does have loads to do with who we are now; no matter how you fight it or try to be in denial.
All you can do is try to have a decent life and try to not repeat the past...easier said than done...
__________________
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator : San Francisco-Oakland
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-16-2014, 04:21 AM
 
Location: Ostend,Belgium....
8,821 posts, read 6,351,863 times
Reputation: 4885
I'd never heard that about babies aborting themselves but it makes sense..it really does..
__________________
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator : San Francisco-Oakland
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-16-2014, 04:32 AM
 
Location: Ostend,Belgium....
8,821 posts, read 6,351,863 times
Reputation: 4885
Mahrie, that is awful sad to read and it is depressing but it's what you had to live with. Maybe it made you more determined to succeed.
__________________
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator : San Francisco-Oakland
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-16-2014, 05:15 AM
 
Location: State of Grace
1,580 posts, read 1,133,032 times
Reputation: 2614
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaggieZ View Post
Mahrie, that is awful sad to read and it is depressing but it's what you had to live with. Maybe it made you more determined to succeed.
Dear God! ALL people are a mess when you get down to it. You didn't kill your son, Maggie! I've buried one too, our firstborn son, but he died as a baby and couldn't have been more loved and wanted. (I'm married to an undercover angel. Check out the 'sad song' thread in the music forum, and you'll see what I mean.)

Guilt is an inevitable knee-jerk reaction to absorbing the fact that the people who are supposed to love you no matter what - don't, but please don't let it rule your life.

I don't know the expression of your faith, but I DO know that everyone on this Earth is loved and wanted, more than we, in our human state, can know.

I don't worry about succeeding. (At what?) I just want to let LOVE rule my life, and it has, thank God. We are *all* wanted and needed, and all it takes is a little exploration into the lives of the millions who have nothing in this world; no home, family, food, and no expectation of living beyond the age of 25. I knew at a very young age what my 'job' would be in this world and if you want to know more about that you can PM me. I believe that we are *all* given gifts to use, but some of us don't know that we have them.

I'm so sorry that you lost your son, Maggie. I wrote this when we lost ours. Maybe it will help you a little - I hope so.


THE CELLIST
(For Daniel.)


The cellist bowed a single tone
It lingered in the air
And resonated in my soul
Released
A captive tear
The melancholy note he played
Stirred memories within
Oh, how I ached for long ago
And how things might have been

Sometimes I find I'm caught again
Just a word, a look, a soft refrain
And the open wound I carry starts to bleed
Free falling endlessly it seems
The way I often do in dreams
And all at once I feel so much in need

Oh those little ice cold fingers
As in snowy grace they lie
You'd think I would forget them
As the years go drifting by
They say some hurt can make you cry
That some can make you want to die
Or linger with you by and by
Buried too deep for tears

Yet...sometimes I find I'm caught again
Just a word, a look, a soft refrain
And the open wound I carry starts to bleed
Free falling endlessly it seems
The way I often do in dreams
And all at once I feel so much in need

And I yearn to kiss his rosy cheek
Gently hold him tight
God give you rest my darling child
Goodnight my son
Goodnight.


1999 - Hobo Mountain Publishing.

God bless, love, and All Good Things,

Mahrie.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-16-2014, 11:27 AM
 
Location: Mammoth Lakes, CA
3,144 posts, read 6,919,416 times
Reputation: 7388
Quote:
Anyway, has anyone else grown up in a family in which they weren't wanted--and actually knew this. Were you able to have a relationship with your parents as an adult?
You're making way too much of this. My mother got pregnant when she was 40 years old. In the 1960's, very few 40 year old parents were having children, it was almost unheard of. She tried to get an abortion but abortions were then illegal so she had me. She always told me I was the greatest gift of her life and we were as close as any mother and daughter could be. So I was unwanted until I was born, then I was adored by both parents.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-16-2014, 12:33 PM
 
Location: Columbus, Indiana
957 posts, read 1,936,446 times
Reputation: 1347
I don't think the OP is making too much of this. You were obviously wanted, at least after you were born. The responders of this thread were not wanted and were reminded of that fact almost daily. You are fortunate, they were not.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-16-2014, 12:37 PM
 
Location: Ostend,Belgium....
8,821 posts, read 6,351,863 times
Reputation: 4885
great poem! Thank you Marhie! I know I didn't kill him but the guilt is the worst part...would have should haves are many...even though I know common sense tells me it's not true.
__________________
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator : San Francisco-Oakland
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 11:03 PM.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top