Were you an unwanted child? (wedding, issues, funeral, wife)
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Why is being wanted a big deal? Either you were wanted or you weren't. It still does not change the fact that you are alive and you are an adult. You are fully empowered to have the life you want.
Being "wanted" is just a blip in history. Seriously, there have been billions of people on the earth. Do you really think most or all were planed pregnancies? Heck, mankind only recently had the scientific knowledge to "plan" pregnancies. That means that most babies just happened. I would assume most mothers were initially shocked and experienced feelings that were far from "wanting" the baby.
If your life is not what you want it to be, you cant blame it on not being wanted.
Yes, I was adopted at a few months old. My biological mother was a drug addict who didn't want a child, so when I was born, she and my biological grandmother arranged to give me away to a woman they were friends with at the time - a single woman in her mid-forties who worked in housekeeping and had inadequate education and a mental problem. This is the woman I grew up with as my mother. Although she did provide me a place to live, food, and always made sure I had a Christmas, a birthday party, and clothes and safety at school, she was also very emotionally abusive and not affectionate. She never liked spending time with me, she would call me evil, she would spend more time talking on the phone with her friends, and let her adult son terrorize our home by enabling his drug addiction and he stole everything from us. As a child, this was terrifying wondering when the next time was that he would break in and hold a knife to my neck so that he could take something and get away with it. I had nightmares about this growing up.
Even as an adult, if I couldn't do something for her, she would call me worthless, a *****, a mother****er, white (when I am African), evil, and she would say "you're just like your other family". This type of stuff hurts, and she doesn't think she's ever done anything wrong and would rather accuse me of trying to hurt her, or needing to see a psychiatrist when I bring it up, instead of her understanding she was wrong.
To be from one mother who didn't want me and to another who acted like it was a mistake to adopt me does make me feel unwanted, and the lingering emotional effect from that is I struggle with creating and maintaining friendships and relationships because I feel insecure that I'm not going to be wanted, even if there's no reason to think so. As another effect, I value my friendships but if I feel slighted or ridiculed by someone I call a friend, I don't take it lightly, and just feel so rejected for the slightest thing, and I end up abandoning friends, coworkers (jobs) because of it.
I can understand you not being able to have long term relationships. The first relationship is our parents. So when that goes wrong, we already have missed out on so much. It's a real shame this happens and all you can do is try to have a decent life and try to do your best to stay out of the dark hole of dispair. I struggle with things too and it's part of people like us.
We can't undo the past but we can choose to live a decent life. I try to volunteer and help others to not be thinking and pitying myself too much. I see some who are worse off. Not that that makes the past OK but constantly thinking of it doesn't help either.
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Why is being wanted a big deal? Either you were wanted or you weren't. It still does not change the fact that you are alive and you are an adult. You are fully empowered to have the life you want.
Being "wanted" is just a blip in history. Seriously, there have been billions of people on the earth. Do you really think most or all were planed pregnancies? Heck, mankind only recently had the scientific knowledge to "plan" pregnancies. That means that most babies just happened. I would assume most mothers were initially shocked and experienced feelings that were far from "wanting" the baby.
If your life is not what you want it to be, you cant blame it on not being wanted.
Was I wanted? Don't know, don't care.
I don't think the OP's question was "planned" vs. "not planned". She asked if you were wanted, and if not, did you know that.
I knew my whole life that my mother didn't "want" me. No, I wasn't planned, but I also wasn't wanted after the fact. I have felt inferior and unloveable most of my life. Luckily I've moved beyond it, but some of those old feelings do come up now and again.
My mom didn't want me although she insists she does now, but she used to tell me all throughout my childhood that I'd been a mistake. She got pregnant with my sister when she was 18, but she was happy even though the father wasn't in the picture. And then she met my father, but she never wanted a relationship with him, it was just strictly sex. She got pregnant by him though and had me when she was 20, and so he decided to marry her so she wouldn't have to raise two little babies on her own. Neither were happy in the marriage though, and then my dad killed himself when I was six.
So my mom was left with two girls to raise. She used to complain on the phone about me when she thought I wasn't listening. I was 6/7 and in the room colouring or playing, and maybe she didn't care I could overhear or maybe she just thought I wouldn't understand. Anyway she would complain that she wished she hadn't ever met him and she regretted having a child with him because I was nothing but a reminder of a bad relationship and his suicide. And then when I was about 12, she told me right to my face that she hated how I looked exactly like him. She asked me why I had to grow up to look so much like him. She told me I'd probably end up growing up alone because I was so ugly. She was definitely right about that.
When I was a teen, I was a bit of a troublemaker. Not too bad, but I did some stupid stuff that I got myself in trouble for. She flipped out on me when I kept skipping class and told me she'd wished she'd never had me because I was too much of a reminder of him, and that me misbehaving brought too much attention to me. She hated looking at my face so much and she kept telling me she wished I could go back to the little girl I was who was shy and she didn't have to worry about as much. When she didn't have to worry about me, she didn't have to look at me.
But once I got into my 20s she decided she wanted to be my friend. She told me she regretted that we never got to be close when I was younger. When I was 22 I moved about an hour away from my old town to the current city I am in now. She kept going on about how i broke her heart because I moved away and she can't see me as much and she wanted to get to know me. At the time, I got angry with her and told her that she'd had 22 years to get to know to me, and she hadn't tried. All she did was criticize and yell at me. My sister got in trouble more than I ever did, compared to her I was a saint and yet my mother never yelled mean stuff to her.
Now I am 27 and she is extremely insistent that she had always wanted me and doesn't understand why I can't get that. But I've been hearing since I was six years old that she didn't. We had a good talk this time last year when I had to have surgery though. Not about the past, but just about my life over the last five years. It was the first time she told me she was proud of me in my 26 (at the time) years. Before that, all I'd hear is nothing but how much she hated how I was similar to my father.
So I don't know. Most of my life I heard I was unwanted but now I am hearing I am not.
Last edited by Ashley868; 03-16-2014 at 05:58 PM..
Why is being wanted a big deal? Either you were wanted or you weren't. It still does not change the fact that you are alive and you are an adult. You are fully empowered to have the life you want.
Being "wanted" is just a blip in history. Seriously, there have been billions of people on the earth. Do you really think most or all were planed pregnancies? Heck, mankind only recently had the scientific knowledge to "plan" pregnancies. That means that most babies just happened. I would assume most mothers were initially shocked and experienced feelings that were far from "wanting" the baby.
If your life is not what you want it to be, you cant blame it on not being wanted.
Was I wanted? Don't know, don't care.
Evening charlygal,
I don't see anyone on this thread 'blaming' anyone for their life being something other than what they might have preferred. I certainly don't.
By the way, my husband and I were given nine children and only one of them was 'planned,' as you put it, but every one of them was wanted, loved, and most welcome. Sadly, we buried our firstborn son, and a decade later, twin sons who didn't quite make it to term, and another little girl who was stillborn. I know about loss.
Everyone experiences loss in their life eventually, but parental rejection/abuse/neglect inflicts a particularly cruel kind of pain that never leaves. The shoulds and shouldn'ts of what you deem appropriate adult behavior have no jurisdiction when it comes to matters of the heart and spirit. We are not, as you suppose, the architects of our emotional well-being, as feelings have no brains, and the heart couldn't care less what the mind thinks. If people could think their way out of heartache there wouldn't be as much pain in this world.
I've been counselling people for over forty years, and I don't need you to spend an hour on my couch to know that you were not an abused/unwanted/rejected/neglected child. Spoiled a little, I'd guess, since you seem lacking in both understanding and compassion when it comes to the pain of others. (No offense intended; this is a clinical observation only - and I may be wrong, since I don't know you personally.)
This thread is therapeutic in that those who are victims of parental abuse/rejection can talk with others whose hearts bear the same scar. We don't walk around all day feeling sorry for ourselves. In time, we learn to put the pain in a relatively safe place in our hearts so that we can get on with our lives, but the wound remains, and it is always deep, and from time to time it still 'bleeds.'
Emotional pain, of whatever kind, always comes from loving and losing. Unwanted children, as well as whatever else life brings their way, also have to endure a torturous existence for years, as we're not discussing a child who may have been passively unwanted at conception, or even birth; we're talking about children whose parents let them know it every day for years, and in some cases decades, and that hurts.
You are entitled to your opinions, of course, but to 'assume' what you feel qualified to opine on... isn't the kindest way to go on a thread of this... shade of crimson.
So many people who outwardly show no concern for their own feelings or those of others have a pain way too scary to deal with. Not saying this goes for everyone but sometimes the way to handle things is to not handle them at all. That's why when someone comes across as cold and uncaring, I mostly tend to not feel attacked or defensive... I could be very wrong of course..
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Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator : San Francisco-Oakland
Why is being wanted a big deal? Either you were wanted or you weren't. It still does not change the fact that you are alive and you are an adult. You are fully empowered to have the life you want.
Being "wanted" is just a blip in history. Seriously, there have been billions of people on the earth. Do you really think most or all were planed pregnancies? Heck, mankind only recently had the scientific knowledge to "plan" pregnancies. That means that most babies just happened. I would assume most mothers were initially shocked and experienced feelings that were far from "wanting" the baby.
If your life is not what you want it to be, you cant blame it on not being wanted.
Was I wanted? Don't know, don't care.
What an extremely callous post.
It is one thing to assume that you were wanted or to not know. It is totally, my dear heart, another to actually HEAR the words and deal with the corrosponding actions.
Let me break it down for you:
Parenting is the most important job in the world. Why? They set the blueprint for everything. A house built on a cracked foundation is unstable, no?
So, Tony Robbins, while you are empowered to live the life that you want, it is MUCH more difficult to do so if you have low self worth or other issues that stem from not being raised properly.
Having your parents reject you hurts. Human beings should be able to understand that.
I wasn't wanted. I look like my dad too which still doesn't help matters.
Quote:
Originally Posted by charlygal
Why is being wanted a big deal? Either you were wanted or you weren't. It still does not change the fact that you are alive and you are an adult. You are fully empowered to have the life you want.
Being "wanted" is just a blip in history. Seriously, there have been billions of people on the earth. Do you really think most or all were planed pregnancies? Heck, mankind only recently had the scientific knowledge to "plan" pregnancies. That means that most babies just happened. I would assume most mothers were initially shocked and experienced feelings that were far from "wanting" the baby.
If your life is not what you want it to be, you cant blame it on not being wanted.
Was I wanted? Don't know, don't care.
You're kidding, right? Whether a child is wanted or not will dictate their entire childhood. Kids who weren't wanted know it, and it doesn't magically change once adulthood comes around. Self-esteem issues can follow people throughout life unless they get help with changing the patterns.
I don't see anyone on this thread 'blaming' anyone for their life being something other than what they might have preferred. I certainly don't.
By the way, my husband and I were given nine children and only one of them was 'planned,' as you put it, but every one of them was wanted, loved, and most welcome. Sadly, we buried our firstborn son, and a decade later, twin sons who didn't quite make it to term, and another little girl who was stillborn. I know about loss.
Everyone experiences loss in their life eventually, but parental rejection/abuse/neglect inflicts a particularly cruel kind of pain that never leaves. The shoulds and shouldn'ts of what you deem appropriate adult behavior have no jurisdiction when it comes to matters of the heart and spirit. We are not, as you suppose, the architects of our emotional well-being, as feelings have no brains, and the heart couldn't care less what the mind thinks. If people could think their way out of heartache there wouldn't be as much pain in this world.
I've been counselling people for over forty years, and I don't need you to spend an hour on my couch to know that you were not an abused/unwanted/rejected/neglected child. Spoiled a little, I'd guess, since you seem lacking in both understanding and compassion when it comes to the pain of others. (No offense intended; this is a clinical observation only - and I may be wrong, since I don't know you personally.)
This thread is therapeutic in that those who are victims of parental abuse/rejection can talk with others whose hearts bear the same scar. We don't walk around all day feeling sorry for ourselves. In time, we learn to put the pain in a relatively safe place in our hearts so that we can get on with our lives, but the wound remains, and it is always deep, and from time to time it still 'bleeds.'
Emotional pain, of whatever kind, always comes from loving and losing. Unwanted children, as well as whatever else life brings their way, also have to endure a torturous existence for years, as we're not discussing a child who may have been passively unwanted at conception, or even birth; we're talking about children whose parents let them know it every day for years, and in some cases decades, and that hurts.
You are entitled to your opinions, of course, but to 'assume' what you feel qualified to opine on... isn't the kindest way to go on a thread of this... shade of crimson.
What a lovely post, Mahrie. Thank you for your insight and compassion. Condolences on the loss of your little souls.
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