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Old 07-30-2013, 06:26 PM
 
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
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I have a very dear friend who was not wanted. Her mother got pregnant when she was a teen and definitely did not want to have a baby. Despite this, she went through with the pregnancy, kept the baby, married the father, and proceeded to make my friend miserable for the next 18 years (until my friend moved out). She no longer has a relationship at all with her mother.

This is probably the saddest thing I have ever heard. I have kids of my own and can't imagine telling them that they weren't wanted. Anyway, my friend seems okay, I guess. I can't imagine not having my mother in my life. She doesn't talk much about it, but I gather she was ignored and lonely for most of her childhood.

Anyway, has anyone else grown up in a family in which they weren't wanted--and actually knew this. Were you able to have a relationship with your parents as an adult?
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Old 07-30-2013, 07:11 PM
 
Location: The Greater Houston Metro Area
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My mother had four - and told three of us we were not wanted. We just thought she was too stupid for birth control. Now she finds that we don't want her.


You cannot imagine not having your mother in your life - but for those of us with toxic mothers, it's a better life without them - and we don't know the difference having a good mother makes, as there is no experience to back it up.

Last edited by cheryjohns; 07-30-2013 at 07:49 PM..
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Old 07-30-2013, 07:17 PM
 
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I was an "oops!" Baby, and felt unwanted my whole life. At least all my kids were wanted...maybe not planned, but all wanted.

As for my relationship with my Mom, she can barely take care of herself. She had no clue how to be a parent. At age five, I knew my parents were completely incompetent. My Mom is 65, and routinely can't manage money. I help her...

Last edited by jasper12; 07-30-2013 at 07:21 PM.. Reason: Edit
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Old 07-30-2013, 07:32 PM
 
Location: Tulsa, OK
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My Mother had my older sister in 1953, then had 2 pregnancies (both boys, one in 1956, one in 1957) they both passed at 7 months gestation. The doctors told her that any subsequent babies or pregnancies were not recommended or both could die. My Mom and Dad got pregnant with me in 1960, my sister in 1965. We were all wanted, all loved.
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Old 07-30-2013, 08:00 PM
 
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
3,785 posts, read 9,201,833 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cheryjohns View Post
My mother had four - and told three of us we were not wanted. We just thought she was too stupid for birth control. Now she finds that we don't want her.


You cannot imagine not having your mother in your life - but for those of us with toxic mothers, it's a better life without them - and we don't know the difference having a good mother makes, as there is no experience to back it up.
That is so strange. How could she only want one out of four? That sounds worse than not wanting a child to begin with. Are you able to have a relationship with the "wanted" child?
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Old 07-30-2013, 08:30 PM
 
2,172 posts, read 2,517,114 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bande1102 View Post
I have a very dear friend who was not wanted. Her mother got pregnant when she was a teen and definitely did not want to have a baby. Despite this, she went through with the pregnancy, kept the baby, married the father, and proceeded to make my friend miserable for the next 18 years (until my friend moved out). She no longer has a relationship at all with her mother.

This is probably the saddest thing I have ever heard. I have kids of my own and can't imagine telling them that they weren't wanted. Anyway, my friend seems okay, I guess. I can't imagine not having my mother in my life. She doesn't talk much about it, but I gather she was ignored and lonely for most of her childhood.

Anyway, has anyone else grown up in a family in which they weren't wanted--and actually knew this. Were you able to have a relationship with your parents as an adult?
Yes. I have. I can't say that my mother ever outright ever said she didn't want me, but she doesn't have to.

I have one sibling, an older brother that can't hold down a job very well and is constantly in trouble with the law. Well, our mother prefers him over me all the time. That's just what it was like growing up in my household. I think it has to do with when my parents separated. My father is a good man. He did what he had to do to raise us. My mother treated him like garbage and eventually they split. My brother is my half brother and I believe my mother treats me real bad simply because I remind her of my father. I basically lived in my brothers shadow. As an adult, I learned to cope with this and I no longer speak to my mother. When she holds the child that breaks the law and can't support his children over the other child that can hold a job, never been in trouble with the law, that's when it was time to move on without my mother in my life. Oh well I guess.
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Old 07-30-2013, 08:39 PM
 
Location: The Greater Houston Metro Area
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bande1102 View Post
That is so strange. How could she only want one out of four? That sounds worse than not wanting a child to begin with. Are you able to have a relationship with the "wanted" child?
My little sister was the "surprise" baby - and the only one that she decided she had wanted. Go figure. There is a difference of over 10 years between the next youngest and the surprise. She kept telling us, as we first three were growing up, that she had not wanted any children. She changed her mind when the surprise baby came.

None of us hold it against the youngest. In a way, she had it just as bad, just different. With the first three, it was neglect and verbal and emotional abuse. With the baby, it was a weird upbringing. She didn't allow her friends, etc. - but used her as Mommy's Little Companion.

At least, when I read these forums, I realize that there are a LOT of really BAD mothers out there - that it wasn't just my own. It's funny that our society idealizes mothers in general - when there are so many horrors out there, thinking that it is their due to be included.

My mother will get on the phone on Mother's Day, trying to make us feel neglectful because we ignore her (we all have her on her own special ringtone, so that we don't accidently answer the phone). She doesn't seem to realize that the day emphasizes to us that we were short-changed in that department.

Last edited by cheryjohns; 07-30-2013 at 08:48 PM..
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Old 07-30-2013, 10:01 PM
 
10,812 posts, read 8,023,875 times
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Erma Bombeck famously said that one of her children would not have been born if she and her husband hadn't been turned down for a sailboat loan.
Prior to the wide-spread advent of birth control pills in the 1960s, most families had at least one unplanned and "unwanted" child. Most times these children were as loved and cherished as the planned ones.
It's also worth mentioning that some planned babies end up being neglected and therefore "unwanted" when the reality of parenthood sets in.

The problem of parental neglect and emotional abuse has less to do with whether the pregnancy was planned than it does with the emotional deficit of the parents. My parents-in-law had a late life "oops" baby who turned their lives on end - financially, physically, and in other ways. But he grew up as the most cherished and lovingly spoiled of all their children. He's quite aware he wasn't planned or "wanted" but is secure in the love of his parents.
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Old 07-31-2013, 05:42 AM
 
Location: Dallas
5,599 posts, read 4,910,924 times
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I have a friend whose mother informed her that if abortions were legal when she was pregnant, my friend would have been aborted. This was repeated throughout her childhood and early adult years. Not surprising that my friend had a difficult relationship with her mother and struggled with self esteem issues her whole life.
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Old 07-31-2013, 07:36 AM
 
Location: Baltimore
8,287 posts, read 7,514,327 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jrsygrl51 View Post
My Mother had my older sister in 1953, then had 2 pregnancies (both boys, one in 1956, one in 1957) they both passed at 7 months gestation. The doctors told her that any subsequent babies or pregnancies were not recommended or both could die. My Mom and Dad got pregnant with me in 1960, my sister in 1965. We were all wanted, all loved.
Why post about how much you were wanted on a thread about unwanted children? Want to rub it in for those that weren't?
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