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Old 08-04-2013, 10:42 AM
 
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No one can answer that question but you. Yet the fact that you asked it says something.

However, are you actually open to talking to other people? Are you someone who engages others? Or do you live life in a shell.

To me, the "concentrating on academics" is kind of a red flag for me. I know all kinds of people who enjoyed spectacular academic careers and had a great social life. Are you using that "concentrating on academics" as kind of a smoke screen for not having to really be around others or having relationships?
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Old 08-04-2013, 11:33 AM
 
1,787 posts, read 4,961,025 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by morina1 View Post
I was 13, I'm not embarrassed any more and that's really not the point of my post. That's been almost 10 years ago so that particular person or situation is no longer an issue.
It is part of your point or you wouldn't have included it in your post. Ten years later you remember it like it was yesterday. Be honest with your own feelings about what you want in life and what type of friends you want and stop doing things [like joining a sorority] to make friends. Try joining activities that make you happy and you'll find others that enjoy the same things as yourself and the friendship should follow. Give it time; good friends take time.

You've said you overheard people gossip about you. Was there something specific about you that is the topic? Are these people just bullies? Ignore them, it's not you.
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Old 08-04-2013, 12:07 PM
 
Location: earth?
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Also, are you a good friend yourself?
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Old 08-05-2013, 08:13 PM
 
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Sororities are fraught with problems. You are not alone in the treatment you received from them. It seems like they have to have someone to gossip about, and actually they all do gossip about everyone, all of them. But they don't care, and just persevere. I don't know why, but they do. Maybe if a person goes into a sorority expecting normal nice people to be friends with then it really hurts to find they are the worst gossips. You are probably well rid of them. I hope you have a better time this year.
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Old 08-05-2013, 09:02 PM
 
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OP - I have had many, many friendships in my life.

They come and they go.

One thing I am sure of is, teenage girls are the nastiest, cruellest critters on earth.

There is a "clique" in high school. Then you leave and hey presto - the "cool" girl is a pregnant single mother.

My point is, real life is what happens after high school, after college even (some colleges seem ridiculously cliquey to us foreigner with all the sororities and chit).

If you're not popular in high school, it means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

All the best and most successful people were unpopular in high school.

It's the unwritten rule of life.

Relax, stop worrying about the "clique". Keep plodding along and be your own person. Don't change or think you need to change, for anyone. If you're a good person who doesn't hurt others, you are just another victim of stupid pointless teenage bullying.

Most people at my age realise that a true friend is the rarest creature. Most people go through their entire lives without having one true friend, just a bunch of acquaintances/drinking buddies.

Being a genuine person will attract other genuine folks and faking it will be detected - as you've discovered when you try to change yourself by joining the hockey team.

Forget about pleasing folks. Expect them to please you.
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Old 08-06-2013, 07:50 AM
 
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You are allowed to choose for your self what you will accept from others. You don't have to be like them, accept their faults or change anything about yourself. You can take what you want from the relationship and still be true to yourself.

Yes, they will talk. Especially the most insecure. *For you have chosen to be REAL, and not play petty games that are intended to hurt another--you are dangerous in a way, to them. You are stronger.

There are ALOT of personality disordered folks out there. In school, at work - in your own FAMILY and you will see how the manipulators weave their evil magic to get their way - or the narcissistic types will project themselves like crazy and cause all kinds of problems.

If something they do or say goes against YOUR beliefs, establish boundaries. For they will continue with the next one, and to those they are closest to. It isn't you.

Having a select few that know how to truly be a friend is worth more than many that can't be trusted. imo.

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Old 08-06-2013, 08:16 AM
 
12,582 posts, read 13,988,350 times
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Originally Posted by morina1 View Post
... so I thought this would of been a great way to find things to do and meet people (as I transferred to this uni.). Well now I regret joining because I noticed that the majority of the girls since initiation, have never really tried to get to know me or hang out with me like they did the other new initiates and I actually witnessed two of the girls in my initiation class gossiping about me behind my back--and so pretty much my entire initiate class ignores me....
You've mentioned your experience in the sorority a second time, which I haven't quoted, I know. But I don't think it matters in this case.

I am curious about this experience. I pledged a fraternity in university, and, therefore, have some knowledge of how these things work. By the way, I dropped out because I realized it was a big mistake for me...rather embarrassing for my Big Brother as he was from the same small town.

Fraternities and sororities used to be rather picky about who they let into a pledge class. They were definitely not very willing to take a chance of "iffy" pledges. (Perhaps this has changed, and I do not know that.)

What I would be asking myself at this point, if I were you, is what attracted my sorority to me. Why was I a good candidate? And why now that I am in, do they see me in a different way?

Something has to be going on there, it isn't just happening. You say your pledge mates avoid you now, and even talk about you. Do the women who were already sisters when you became a pledge now do the same?

What do they see now that they didn't see then? Look at where you are now, as you cannot fix high school and all the rest.

What did the sisters see when they took you in, that they now don't see? Have you changed in how you act in the group now you are a sister?

Somewhere in all this sorority scenario I think there must have been some misperceptions and misrepresentations. (Most likely on both sides, if my experience can be generalized. In several ways I put my "best foot" forward in ways that were totally out of character, and were not patterns of conduct that I could have ever sustained in a close social group. On the other hand, the fraternity had very extreme anti-Jewish and anti-black that I had completely miscalculated; nor was I aware until very late in the pledge process that a primary reason I had been selected was to be an "ass man," i.e. I was expected to be able to be groomed to be a kind of "Ken doll" to match the "Barbie dolls" that all the better sororities had. I mean, good grief!!!! This was pre-Chippendale's...and I was a clueless hayseed.)

Last edited by kevxu; 08-06-2013 at 08:28 AM..
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Old 08-06-2013, 09:35 AM
 
1,961 posts, read 3,747,889 times
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There has to be something missing here.

I would forget all about high school. What has happened has happened, no sense dwelling on it.

As for the current. What was the pledge period like? Were you friendly with your pledge sisters? How did you select your Big Sister? did you get along, was she someone who reached out to you?

Is there someone who you could ask who can be honest with you to see if you are saying or doing something that is rubbing people the wrong way? Sometimes we don't realize that we are doing or saying things that turn people away. I can't say it is the case with you, but if you are experiencing this in most of your interactions, there is SOMETHING happening. Either the people you choose to hang out with are all just mean and petty, or you are inadvertently saying things or doing things that give people pause.

What exactly were the sorority sisters saying who you caught gossiping about you?
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Old 08-06-2013, 10:05 AM
 
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I went through my childhood and college years in a state that can only be described as semi-feral. I was not really functional in public. I had SOME friends (most of whom are still friends today), but I just couldn't seem to develop a social life.

It changed in my early 20s, but the transformation process was pretty brutal. I lost my best friend and her mom to long illnesses, fell in love with a very inappropriate (but good-hearted) guy, found out I had severe ADD (didn't get a formal diagnosis for another few years) and ended up getting a part-time job where I met a whole bunch of people from all walks of life who thought I fit right in with them.

Look, a sorority isn't going to give you friends - it's just a group of people. And you seem kind of closed off and uncertain based on the whole hiding your religion thing as a kid and you joining the sorority because you felt obligated. Join some activity groups on campus. Look for groups outside of your school as well via sites like meetup.com. Get a part-time job at a place that interests you. See a therapist who can evaluate you on face-to-face terms. Join a volunteer group.

The common denominator in all of this IS you. So yeah, you are no doubt part of the problem. But it could be you haven't put yourself in the right situations to develop friendships. so start exploring some more, and get yourself to a shrink. Once I knew I had ADD, my social life improved by MILES. you might not have a disorder, but you may be doing things you're not even aware of that keep people at a distance.
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Old 08-06-2013, 10:51 AM
 
16,722 posts, read 14,611,808 times
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Originally Posted by morina1 View Post
I noticed back in middle school that I began having problems making girl friends. I was very popular and had a lot of friends all throughout Elementary school and the first portion of Middle school but when I entered the 7th grade I switched out of grade level to advanced. I noticed that I was isolated and ostracized from the other girls in my class. I was very outgoing and friendly towards everyone but as soon as I began feeling like I made some great friends, I would find out the girl/s were talking about me behind my back and that really hurt me so I would just shut off completely.

In HS, I went to a school I was not zoned for and I tried to get involved at my school, I joined the Field Hockey team at my school and thought I had made a sure friend in a girl I had class with. She would always invite me to come to her games but I could never go because they fell on Friday evenings and I grew up as a Adventist so that was my Sabbath. I was too embarrassed to explain to her why I couldn't so I never went but she had invited me to try out for the team and I did. After I made the team she started acting like she hated me, she would act passive aggressive around me, and when she'd walk by she'd just kind of shoulder jab me; before I knew it the entire team wouldn't give me the time of day. I was a complete outsider on my own team. That pretty much summed up my entire High School experience.

I didn't date in high school and no guy asked me to Prom. Now I am in college and I joined a sorority (something I never even considered) but my school is so focused on academics that most kids go home on the weekends and because of its location there isn't much to do, so I thought this would of been a great way to find things to do and meet people (as I transferred to this uni.). Well now I regret joining because I noticed that the majority of the girls since initiation, have never really tried to get to know me or hang out with me like they did the other new initiates and I actually witnessed two of the girls in my initiation class gossiping about me behind my back--and so pretty much my entire initiate class ignores me.

I'm a pretty strong person just because of the things I've gone through but after awhile it starts to beg the question...what am I doing wrong?????
Maybe you're too aggressive.
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