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Well, I'm going to be 27 years old and I'm STILL having arguments with my mother. It feels like the most pathetic thing in the world to be honest. We hardly argue since I've managed to ignore her for the most part but this past Sunday we got into a brief but heated argument. My mother is struggling to pay her bills and rent. She constantly gives me and my sister hell for not helping her out enough. My sister is pregnant, lives with her husband and the baby is expected to come soon. So they are looking for a bigger house or apartment for the baby and her husbands 2 kids. They run a business and their expenses aren't cheap. I'm going through a rough time financially. So much so that I'm living in my fathers boxing gym at the moment since I got laid off from work.
This past Sunday I was having a fantastic time until my mother called me complaining about her facing eviction. So I see her on Monday and she wines, cries and goes on and on about how much she owes and that her social security is cut. So now she's trying to figure out how to pay her bills. She doesn't work and hasn't worked in YEARS, suffers from depression, does nothing with her life (except watch TV 24 hours) and just hates her life and is absolutely miserable with herself. We get into an argument because she says "I supported you guys and took care of you when you were kids and now you are both off with your own lives" and the such. Which is what we are SUPPOSED to do.
She's indirectly blaming us for her falling way behind on bills and constantly wants us to bail her out. And if we can't, we get maligned and she thinks we don't care for her. We give her money ALL the time and tried to move her out the apartment she can't afford. She's looking for room mates but with her incredibly poor character of judgement, I fear she'll rent the room out to the wrong people. If not that she wants me to move back in and rent the room out to me. Which I wouldn't mind if my mother wasn't such a pain in the butt. It's the reason why I moved out. And honestly, though I've been struggling A LOT lately, I feel a lot less stressed than when I was living with her. Living with her really got me down and sucked the energy out of me, so much so that I would get badly depressed and unmotivated myself.
All-in-all, I'm just so tired of my mother. I love her but at times I CANNOT stand her (don't hate her). I just can't stand her negative energy, can't stand the fact that she feels entitled to our help, can't stand the fact that she doesn't accept responsibility for her own actions (being an alcoholic and addicted to drugs at one point) can't stand the fact that she doesn't understand we are trying to better our lives for us so that way we can take care of HER. She feels that we owe her our lives.
Since my mother is such a poopy pants, I've been thinking of having minimal contact with her for a while. I just need to gather my thoughts, get back to the drawing board and get back on my feet. Moving back in with my mother will throw me WAY off and even talking to her stresses me way out. I'm not 17 anymore and I hate arguing with my mom over petty stuff. It makes me feel immature and really, really pathetic. And I'm sure if you're looking from the outside--in--you'd probably think I'm some fat, dirty, late 20 something year old coach potato who plays PS3/Xbox all day and ******* when his mother tells him to pick up his fart stained underwear off the steps. I can 1000 percent assure that's not the case.
So I ask friends: Should I take a break from my mom? Have minimal contact with her?
As much as I want to, it is hard for me because I DO worry a ton about her and I worry a ton about my younger brothers who aren't even teens yet and don't have much responsibility. Though, in the end she can always move back in with her husband I do not want them suffering but my mother is just a huge thorn on my side.
Do it. I frequently take "breaks" from my mother when she slips into unreasonable. One time we didn't speak for 6 months because she went on a crazy rant about my life choices. I just refrained from contacting her. She could have contacted me at ANY TIME. But she chose not to, because she knew she'd have to apologize. I finally wanted to talk to her about something, and did the calling myself. She was all "I'm so happy to hear from you!" and hasn't crossed lines like she did in over a year.
x2 on boundaries. It's OK to step back. You need to take care of yourself first. Your mental and physical health comes first. If you don't take care of yourself then you can't be of any help to anyone else, including yourself..
Don't feel guilty you can't help your mother more. You're one young person with your own financial problems- you can't be expected to support yourself, your mother and younger siblings. That's totally unreasonable on your mother's part.
Your mother has never really been an adult- she's always depended on others to support her. Now that it's not working out, she doesn't know how to cope. That's not your problem, that's her problem. Point her in the right direction to any social services ( food stamps, Medicaid, WIC program, etc. ) and low income housing in your area. The children's father, if they're minors, should be paying child support. Tell her to get into court to get that. Then let her decide what to do. There is help out there for her and it doesn't have to be you. She just needs to go after it.
Decide what the boundaries should be, set them and then stick to it. Have no guilt about this. Your mother will literally suffocate you if you let her. Step away.
There are two things that cannot be fixed....lazy and stupid..she sounds like she is basically a lazy person. I have several friends that play the I'm depressed card to avoid taking care of themselves. If she really is depressed, there are meds that can help her.
I would go no contact and let the chips fall where they may.
It is definitely okay to need a break from your mom. I need one from my own mom sometimes and she doesn't really ask anything of me. At least not by comparison to your post. Boundaries are your friend.
Take the break! As someone else said, do some resesrch (at a distance from her) into programs that might help her. Then give her a typed list. She has to take it from there.
No, it's not wrong to want to take a break from your mother. Sometimes it's what we have to do.
I don't want to say to leave your mother hanging, she is your mother; however, she's also a grown adult and should know how to take of herself by now.
I dont' know anything about social security income, so forgive my stupid question...but, I was under the impression that SS income is only cut if the person is working and making over x amount per mth/yr?
As for her facing eviction, maybe she needs to look into senior housing where the rent is based on income.
As someone else...boundries..learn them, enforce them, and your life will be better. Good luck.
10 yrs ago I could have written a post very similar to this one, my mom wasn't as obvious in her manipulations as the OP's, but still the same.
I supported her for a long while, giving her money trying to help her out, my mom never did a thing in her life and rarely worked, she always had men take care of her. When she got much older the men seemed to dry up and I was left holding the bag...... I was quite hostile about it, and went into debt pretty good because of it, took me a long while to climb out of the hole.
I think you can step back from her for your own sake, but you can't let her become homeless, even though she doesn't take as much responsibility for her own life as she should, you still have to help her out. I know it sucks but you really should.
Tough place to be. You're a young man and it's a heavy burden to have to have, hopefully you can help her help herself somehow....
Well, I'm going to be 27 years old and I'm STILL having arguments with my mother. It feels like the most pathetic thing in the world to be honest. We hardly argue since I've managed to ignore her for the most part but this past Sunday we got into a brief but heated argument. My mother is struggling to pay her bills and rent. She constantly gives me and my sister hell for not helping her out enough. My sister is pregnant, lives with her husband and the baby is expected to come soon. So they are looking for a bigger house or apartment for the baby and her husbands 2 kids. They run a business and their expenses aren't cheap. I'm going through a rough time financially. So much so that I'm living in my fathers boxing gym at the moment since I got laid off from work.
This past Sunday I was having a fantastic time until my mother called me complaining about her facing eviction. So I see her on Monday and she wines, cries and goes on and on about how much she owes and that her social security is cut. So now she's trying to figure out how to pay her bills. She doesn't work and hasn't worked in YEARS, suffers from depression, does nothing with her life (except watch TV 24 hours) and just hates her life and is absolutely miserable with herself. We get into an argument because she says "I supported you guys and took care of you when you were kids and now you are both off with your own lives" and the such. Which is what we are SUPPOSED to do.
She's indirectly blaming us for her falling way behind on bills and constantly wants us to bail her out. And if we can't, we get maligned and she thinks we don't care for her. We give her money ALL the time and tried to move her out the apartment she can't afford. She's looking for room mates but with her incredibly poor character of judgement, I fear she'll rent the room out to the wrong people. If not that she wants me to move back in and rent the room out to me. Which I wouldn't mind if my mother wasn't such a pain in the butt. It's the reason why I moved out. And honestly, though I've been struggling A LOT lately, I feel a lot less stressed than when I was living with her. Living with her really got me down and sucked the energy out of me, so much so that I would get badly depressed and unmotivated myself.
All-in-all, I'm just so tired of my mother. I love her but at times I CANNOT stand her (don't hate her). I just can't stand her negative energy, can't stand the fact that she feels entitled to our help, can't stand the fact that she doesn't accept responsibility for her own actions (being an alcoholic and addicted to drugs at one point) can't stand the fact that she doesn't understand we are trying to better our lives for us so that way we can take care of HER. She feels that we owe her our lives.
Since my mother is such a poopy pants, I've been thinking of having minimal contact with her for a while. I just need to gather my thoughts, get back to the drawing board and get back on my feet. Moving back in with my mother will throw me WAY off and even talking to her stresses me way out. I'm not 17 anymore and I hate arguing with my mom over petty stuff. It makes me feel immature and really, really pathetic. And I'm sure if you're looking from the outside--in--you'd probably think I'm some fat, dirty, late 20 something year old coach potato who plays PS3/Xbox all day and ******* when his mother tells him to pick up his fart stained underwear off the steps. I can 1000 percent assure that's not the case.
So I ask friends: Should I take a break from my mom? Have minimal contact with her?
As much as I want to, it is hard for me because I DO worry a ton about her and I worry a ton about my younger brothers who aren't even teens yet and don't have much responsibility. Though, in the end she can always move back in with her husband I do not want them suffering but my mother is just a huge thorn on my side.
Any thoughts? THANKS!
No. You are not wrong it sounds as though your mother, for what ever reason; thrives om drama and goes from one crisis to another.
Social services can help since she has young children.
Take a vacation. Move someplace that you have always wanted to live!
You are not her private social worker. Give yourself a well deserved rest from this woman. Put some geographical distance between the two of you.
Do it. I frequently take "breaks" from my mother when she slips into unreasonable. One time we didn't speak for 6 months because she went on a crazy rant about my life choices. I just refrained from contacting her. She could have contacted me at ANY TIME. But she chose not to, because she knew she'd have to apologize. I finally wanted to talk to her about something, and did the calling myself. She was all "I'm so happy to hear from you!" and hasn't crossed lines like she did in over a year.
Boundaries. It's all about boundaries.
Great post! I needed to hear this!
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Good luck.
