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Old 08-12-2013, 01:43 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
5,137 posts, read 8,660,626 times
Reputation: 6108

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Trying to not get upset about something - my husband was blindsided on something on a personal level and he has not spoken up. It's a family issue and by him not speaking up, it appears he is OK with it but he is not.

He felt he did not have the chance to speak up and I e-mail to this other part of the family that may have provoked this - just wondering if I should say something (in an e-mail) or not.

This other side of his family owes me some money and will never pay me. It has been discussed and the comment was "oh, well, we feel really bad about that" - there is a reason why I think this has not been done but it's a long ago debt and I've quit counting on it. They are fine with me, as least I think so, and it's like this is all forgotten in the past (it was from 2003).

My husband really didn't push the issue back then and I feel what just happened could have the same result if we don't speak up. (It's something we have been trying to get done but now, it was done behind my husband's back).

(Been married to this family for close to 30 years; two children) so it's not like it is a new relationship. (This involves his side of the family - not mine).
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Old 08-12-2013, 01:53 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,899 posts, read 17,209,728 times
Reputation: 40830
I'm a little confused by your post.

But in general it is better to speak up, even if it is slightly later, than to keep it bottled up inside or for the family to think that he was OK with what they did.

Perhaps, an email from him saying, "I did not say anything last month when xxx happened because I was just so shocked and surprised that you would do xxx without consulting me first that I was speechless (or blindsided). I wanted to make it very clear that ... (whatever, he wants to make clear)".

Good luck to you.

BTW, if they feel bad that they haven't paid you the money back, even if it was almost 10 years ago, they should start paying it back right now.
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Old 08-12-2013, 01:59 PM
 
1,373 posts, read 2,470,654 times
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Speak up. IMO say it in person not in an email as its then forever eched in stone.
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Old 08-12-2013, 02:39 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
5,137 posts, read 8,660,626 times
Reputation: 6108
Smile Thanks....

I just think my husband always think I'm the one to speak up and I'll take care of it but in this case, it's his family and he should be the one.

The other side "lent" their family member to come down and stay with my FIL - first, it was pleasure; now, it's more companionship for both. (They do not have a place for her to return to in the north - all been discussed now). So, I have always believed initially, they held it against us that she (their mom) was here with her brother.

(Their feeling: she should have been with them up north taking care of their children - which she had done for years - but she was now in her 80's, children were older (10 years ago - ages 10 thru 18) and maybe she felt she could come down here).

(The mother of these children is a SAHM).
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Old 08-12-2013, 02:48 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,899 posts, read 17,209,728 times
Reputation: 40830
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bette View Post
I just think my husband always think I'm the one to speak up and I'll take care of it but in this case, it's his family and he should be the one.

The other side "lent" their family member to come down and stay with my FIL - first, it was pleasure; now, it's more companionship for both. (They do not have a place for her to return to in the north - all been discussed now). So, I have always believed initially, they held it against us that she (their mom) was here with her brother.

(Their feeling: she should have been with them up north taking care of their children - which she had done for years - but she was now in her 80s children were older (10 years ago - ages 10 thru 18) and maybe she felt she could come down here).

(The mother of these children is a SAHM).

Am I correct that the SAHM & her children, and other relatives, were grumpy because an 80 something year old Grandmother went south to help care for & provide companionship for her brother rather than stay up north to continue to provide free babysitting for children of a SAHM?

What jerks. The more that I read C-D the less I care for people.
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Old 08-12-2013, 03:02 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
5,137 posts, read 8,660,626 times
Reputation: 6108
Smile You read correctly.....

That is true. She (the 80 year old - now 92) is an amazing woman.

She has a large family - they love her but there is not a place for her up north at this time or the foreseeable future. (They did try it for 3 months - hard on all).

This is what I have always thought -
OK, if they needed care for FIL, XXX times so many hours, etc.

(She wanted to come down - warmer weather, etc - and was a help. After a while, I just quit asking about it but I have a feeling this is what they (relatives) think).
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Old 08-12-2013, 04:47 PM
 
Location: SoCal
6,055 posts, read 9,483,757 times
Reputation: 5771
But back to your original question ...

Your husband is an adult, and it's his issue. You can sure offer to help him deal with it. But be sure to get his OK first if you decide to take action 'on his account', because it's his issue.
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Old 08-12-2013, 08:25 PM
 
Location: Temporarily residing on Planet Earth
658 posts, read 1,292,891 times
Reputation: 392
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bette View Post
Trying to not get upset about something - my husband was blindsided on something on a personal level and he has not spoken up. It's a family issue and by him not speaking up, it appears he is OK with it but he is not.

He felt he did not have the chance to speak up and I e-mail to this other part of the family that may have provoked this - just wondering if I should say something (in an e-mail) or not.

This other side of his family owes me some money and will never pay me. It has been discussed and the comment was "oh, well, we feel really bad about that" - there is a reason why I think this has not been done but it's a long ago debt and I've quit counting on it. They are fine with me, as least I think so, and it's like this is all forgotten in the past (it was from 2003).

My husband really didn't push the issue back then and I feel what just happened could have the same result if we don't speak up. (It's something we have been trying to get done but now, it was done behind my husband's back).

(Been married to this family for close to 30 years; two children) so it's not like it is a new relationship. (This involves his side of the family - not mine).
You should speak up. Don't let yourself be a pushover or you're just inviting people to walk all over you.
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Old 08-13-2013, 04:01 PM
 
12,883 posts, read 15,360,866 times
Reputation: 14824
From your post I assume you've lent money again to the same ones never paid you back before. If that's the case, you know what to expect. I can't see how they could have "blindsided" your husband on that...all he had to do was say no...If you "get involved" there'll be people upset. So weigh the good with the bad...if you let it go, at least consider it a lesson learned this time, cause last time you didn't. and don't make the same mistake again.
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Old 08-13-2013, 07:47 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
5,137 posts, read 8,660,626 times
Reputation: 6108
Smile Not the case

Issue mostly resolved. Does not concern funds being lent recently. Had to do with some paperwork already done properly which was being redone at a cost of others' time and effort when it did not need to be done.

Even my FIL put his own name wrong. So, here we go......but no more issue. My husband had the chance to speak up, get the document and make sure it was correct. That's all he wanted.

Done. Thanks to all who made me feel like I wasn't going crazy.

Last edited by Bette; 08-13-2013 at 08:01 PM..
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