U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 09-03-2013, 06:22 PM
 
87 posts, read 68,157 times
Reputation: 32

Advertisements

My mother's birthday is approaching. December 21st will be 5 years since her passing from cancer.

One thing I people always say is that it gets easier. As time has passed, it seems more difficult. First it was sorrow..some anger and a bit of relief that she was no longer suffering. These past 2 years have been depression. Dark deep and unrelenting. I feel like I'm falling..

My question is when is it going to start getting "easier" to cope with this loss. After 5 years and counseling, I feel like this event just happened..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 09-03-2013, 06:36 PM
 
3,445 posts, read 5,060,294 times
Reputation: 6092
How old was your mother when she passed away? 5 years is way too long for this level of grief. Move on.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-03-2013, 06:53 PM
 
1,787 posts, read 4,976,114 times
Reputation: 1281
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vernesther View Post
My mother's birthday is approaching. December 21st will be 5 years since her passing from cancer.

One thing I people always say is that it gets easier. As time has passed, it seems more difficult. First it was sorrow..some anger and a bit of relief that she was no longer suffering. These past 2 years have been depression. Dark deep and unrelenting. I feel like I'm falling..

My question is when is it going to start getting "easier" to cope with this loss. After 5 years and counseling, I feel like this event just happened..
I'm sorry for your loss.

It will always feel like it just happened, but eventually, our memory makes the passing easier to live with. Everyone handles grief differently and there's no set time when you're going to wake up one day and the sun is going to shine. For me, it took a good five years to adjust to the loss of someone I loved. I can still cry, but at least I can talk about good memories and smile now.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-03-2013, 06:53 PM
 
87 posts, read 68,157 times
Reputation: 32
She was 58.

We weren't exactly very close. My depression stems from guilt. I'm having a difficult time forgiving myself for certain things. I do take responsibility for my actions. Its just too late to make things right. Too late for a sit down. To late to explain what I was going through.

"Sorry, I never told you, all I wanted to say.."
One Sweet Day~Mariah Carey

Its very hard to look it the mirror because of our resemblance. I constantly hear "You look just like your mom"
That doesn't help.

I'm seriously considering moving away. I'm not running. I just don't want to be constantly reminded. A new start may provide much needed distraction..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-03-2013, 06:54 PM
 
6,475 posts, read 9,926,451 times
Reputation: 10919
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vernesther View Post
My mother's birthday is approaching. December 21st will be 5 years since her passing from cancer.

One thing I people always say is that it gets easier. As time has passed, it seems more difficult. First it was sorrow..some anger and a bit of relief that she was no longer suffering. These past 2 years have been depression. Dark deep and unrelenting. I feel like I'm falling..

My question is when is it going to start getting "easier" to cope with this loss. After 5 years and counseling, I feel like this event just happened..
What kind of counseling did you have? One-on-one with a therapist? Perhaps you should seek out a grief support group if you haven't done so yet. That may be just what you need.... others going through the same process at the same time as you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-03-2013, 07:00 PM
 
1,787 posts, read 4,976,114 times
Reputation: 1281
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vernesther View Post
She was 58.

We weren't exactly very close. My depression stems from guilt. I'm having a difficult time forgiving myself for certain things. I do take responsibility for my actions. Its just too late to make things right. Too late for a sit down. To late to explain what I was going through.

"Sorry, I never told you, all I wanted to say.."
One Sweet Day~Mariah Carey

Its very hard to look it the mirror because of our resemblance. I constantly hear "You look just like your mom"
That doesn't help.

I'm seriously considering moving away. I'm not running. I just don't want to be constantly reminded. A new start may provide much needed distraction..
You can still talk to her. I believe they can still hear us. Talk to her and tell her what you want to say.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-03-2013, 07:01 PM
 
Location: 500 miles from home
30,010 posts, read 16,597,455 times
Reputation: 22583
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vernesther View Post
She was 58.

We weren't exactly very close. My depression stems from guilt. I'm having a difficult time forgiving myself for certain things. I do take responsibility for my actions. Its just too late to make things right. Too late for a sit down. To late to explain what I was going through.

"Sorry, I never told you, all I wanted to say.."
One Sweet Day~Mariah Carey

Its very hard to look it the mirror because of our resemblance. I constantly hear "You look just like your mom"
That doesn't help.

I'm seriously considering moving away. I'm not running. I just don't want to be constantly reminded. A new start may provide much needed distraction..
A change of scenery may do you good. I'm sorry that your mother died young enough that you didn't get the chance to say all the things that you wanted to say.

When someone close to you dies - no matter HOW MUCH you have done - there is still guilt. Should have done more; should have been there for the last breath . . . this is quite common and I felt it myself.

I agree that 5 years is too long to hold on to the guilt though. You mother, most likely, would want you to move on with your life and while not to forget her ~ but to honor her memory by living your very best life.

She has already forgiven you, I am sure.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-03-2013, 07:02 PM
 
87 posts, read 68,157 times
Reputation: 32
One on one and group..group was supportive, however I wasn't totally comfortable at the time discussing why our relationship had problems. I was ashamed. I see that was a possible hindrance in my therapy process..I was in denial also. I've just recently in the past year accepted responsibility for my part. Owning up is difficult at times.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-03-2013, 07:09 PM
 
87 posts, read 68,157 times
Reputation: 32
When you don't face how you really feel about something, it does catch up to you. There have been periods where I have ignored this. Acted like I was ok..Fake it til you make it..so to speak..
Well, I haven't made it.

I only made it worse..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-03-2013, 07:10 PM
 
Location: Hampstead NC
5,578 posts, read 5,096,158 times
Reputation: 14060
I'm sorry for your loss.

I can see why a group process wasn't helpful. You don't need counseling to deal with your grief, you need counseling to deal with your relationship with your mom.

And there could also be other reasons for your depression. Have you talked to an MD? considered anti-depressants? Wellbutrin did me a world of good...it gave me the mental energy to work on what I needed to work on. Maybe she struggled with depression also? Maybe you aren't as responsible for the flaws in your relationship as you think? Please don't try to do this alone.

Bless you!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top