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When I'm confronted with a bully or an aggressive personality, my first instinct is to deal with them in a sympathetic and understanding way, because I know that underneath the nastiness they are just hurt, damaged people who don't know any other way to relate.
But.
Sometimes this approach really doesn't work. Why? Because some bullies ONLY respect arrogance and power. They see the world as "who is up, and who is down" and approaching them in a kind, understanding manner causes them to interpret your approach as "weak". When, of course, you're not being weak at all - you're trying to get to the core of the issue. But that doesn't matter to an arrogant person. They'll just take it as an opportunity to take advantage of someone "foolish" enough to make themselves vulnerable.
If I have to, I will fight back with my own arrogance. But I really don't prefer to do this, and it actually makes me sad to use this method. It bothers me because I feel like I'm only adding to the problem. If I choose to match their "I'm better than you" attitude with my own, what is actually gained in that situation? Nothing. It just fosters more competition. The bully learns nothing and I have to act in a way that goes against who I really am.
I feel like this is the reason why hatred runs rampant in the world today, because no one wants to let down their guard for even a second and allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to actually work things out. People are so afraid of looking "weak" that they'll do anything to avoid it - even if that means avoiding the truth of why they're so afraid in the first place.
But you can't always walk away. Sometimes the arrogant person or bully is at work, or in your family - someone you have to deal with on a regular basis. You can't walk away from everything.
But you can't always walk away. Sometimes the arrogant person or bully is at work, or in your family - someone you have to deal with on a regular basis. You can't walk away from everything.
You can more than you think. Just refuse to engage. More effective than you think.
Example at work with a bully: "I cannot deal with you when you are like this. Come back when you are more calm."
On family, it's even easier.
"Get back with me when you are calmer."
It puts the whole "get calmer" monkey on their back.
When I'm confronted with a bully or an aggressive personality, my first instinct is to deal with them in a sympathetic and understanding way, because I know that underneath the nastiness they are just hurt, damaged people who don't know any other way to relate.
But.
Sometimes this approach really doesn't work. Why? Because some bullies ONLY respect arrogance and power. They see the world as "who is up, and who is down" and approaching them in a kind, understanding manner causes them to interpret your approach as "weak". When, of course, you're not being weak at all - you're trying to get to the core of the issue. But that doesn't matter to an arrogant person. They'll just take it as an opportunity to take advantage of someone "foolish" enough to make themselves vulnerable.
If I have to, I will fight back with my own arrogance. But I really don't prefer to do this, and it actually makes me sad to use this method. It bothers me because I feel like I'm only adding to the problem. If I choose to match their "I'm better than you" attitude with my own, what is actually gained in that situation? Nothing. It just fosters more competition. The bully learns nothing and I have to act in a way that goes against who I really am.
I feel like this is the reason why hatred runs rampant in the world today, because no one wants to let down their guard for even a second and allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to actually work things out. People are so afraid of looking "weak" that they'll do anything to avoid it - even if that means avoiding the truth of why they're so afraid in the first place.
Thoughts welcome...
I think recommending anger management counseling usually either stops these types in their tracks or at least takes them by surprise for awhile before they become hostile again. But then you can recommend it again when they do! Say they are proving your point. LOL..but it is true! They probably need it, but of course they are never wrong and seldom admit it. You really can't teach these types, so the reason they learn nothing is because of their stubbornness and arrogance. There is not much you can do except laugh at them afterwards.
Hopefully, it is not a co-worker or a relative. I never assume they are hurt, though they could be. They have a responsibility to be civil just like the rest of us. I avoid them like the plague in my personal life whenever possible. I broke a (weak) friendship with one of those types eight years ago (one sided friendship at that and really more a strong acquaintance at best). When they were wrong, they made excuses and should be forgiven immediately; different story when it was me (far fewer times) it was like the world ended for them. I have never regretted the decision and another friend that went to high school with that person supports me on it.
These types tend to be hypocrites, too. Life is too short! They are best avoided if possible.
When they were wrong, they made excuses and should be forgiven immediately; different story when it was me (far fewer times) it was like the world ended for them.
These types tend to be hypocrites, too. Life is too short! They are best avoided if possible.
I've seen this, too. It's the sense of entitlement that bullies have - the sense that "I have the right to treat people this way because I'm just better than they are". They can't see past the end of their own nose, and their view tends to be black-or-white, all-or-nothing. Whenever I see someone like this, I know they're horribly insecure at the core, but they would never admit that. What cindersslipper said about wanting to see you upset is dead-on. They want to feel that they have power over you. It's so sick.
You can more than you think. Just refuse to engage. More effective than you think.
Example at work with a bully: "I cannot deal with you when you are like this. Come back when you are more calm."
On family, it's even easier.
"Get back with me when you are calmer."
It puts the whole "get calmer" monkey on their back.
This is so true, I've known bullies at work, and sometimes the best way to speak to them is to say "I'm not going to talk to you until you have calmed down" and walk away.
Though one bully at a job I had to flat out tell her "stop talking about me or I'm just going straight to the higher ups." Our boss was passive aggressive and wasn't any help!
But you can't always walk away. Sometimes the arrogant person or bully is at work, or in your family - someone you have to deal with on a regular basis. You can't walk away from everything.
Sure you can. If the person is a work bully, you can always find another job and quit. It's a free country. You don't have to stay in a hostile working environment.
If the person is a family member, you can cut off contact with that person.
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