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My BFF and her daughter, my godchild, came to visit a couple of weeks ago. Godkid asked me if I regretted not having children, and I told her no. She then broke my heart by asking, "Why, because you love your money too much?" I told her that if I had kids, I would be living out of a box -- or dependent on the kindness of my mom or other family, and it's not their responsibility to take care of me and my (hypothetical) children. My history is quite complicated, but let's just say that as a divorced, single woman I have really had to struggle financially to stay afloat.
I do OK on my own now, but I realize that I have to save all of my pennies for retirement so that my family won't have to worry about taking care of me. I rent the cheapest apartment I could find and spend little to nothing on entertainment (eating out, movies, etc.) and creature comforts. I've also had health problems in the past, which might pose a problem in the future. So while it might appear that I'm flush, that's a false illusion. Not having a husband to depend on (or family with a lot of money), it's all up to me to make sure that I don't become a burden on anyone else.
How can I set the record straight, that I really don't have extra $$ to spend? I think that my BFF and godchild assume that because I don't have the financial burden of dependents, I'm doing much better than I really am.
My BFF and her daughter, my godchild, came to visit a couple of weeks ago. Godkid asked me if I regretted not having children, and I told her no. She then broke my heart by asking, "Why, because you love your money too much?"
How old is the kid? If she's quite young (elementary school age) I suspect she's picked up something from her mother or her family that relates to their opinion on your choice. You might rethink your friend's status as a BFF if she's filling her kid's head with crap like that
Whatever her age, the kid needs to be told that her opinion was very rude and not her business. Or you could use it as a teaching moment. Emphasize that money is merely a very tenuous benefit to not having kids, but most people (including yourself) choose to not have children for reasons that are much deeper and seriously considered than money.
Whatever you say, it's paramount that the godchild be taught that it is extremely ill-mannered to make people justify their life decisions. Her mother needs to address the social faux paux she makes by talking like that.
How old is the kid? If she's quite young (elementary school age) I suspect she's picked up something from her mother or her family that relates to their opinion on your choice. You might rethink your friend's status as a BFF if she's filling her kid's head with crap like that
Whatever her age, the kid needs to be told that her opinion was very rude and not her business. Or you could use it as a teaching moment. Emphasize that money is merely a very tenuous benefit to not having kids, but most people (including yourself) choose to not have children for reasons that are much deeper and seriously considered than money.
Thanks! Godchild is 14 years old, but extremely outspoken. Another (female) friend was in our company when all of this went down and later told me that she suspected the same thing you stated -- that BFF insinuated that I was better off than I actually am. I did have a talk with BFF later. I told her that although I make a lot more money than she (BFF) does, I also live in a city that costs twice as much to live, about on par with San Francisco. I think it also doesn't help that BFF isn't very good with money herself; she's quite the spendthrift.
Money was a very big reason why I didn't opt to have children -- as were my health concerns. Looking down the road at how parenthood would have affected my quality of life, I know that I made the right choice. I wasn't kidding about being homeless; having kids would have likely bankrupted me for life.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Melissa78703
My BFF and her daughter, my godchild, came to visit a couple of weeks ago. Godkid asked me if I regretted not having children, and I told her no. She then broke my heart by asking, "Why, because you love your money too much?" I told her that if I had kids, I would be living out of a box -- or dependent on the kindness of my mom or other family, and it's not their responsibility to take care of me and my (hypothetical) children. My history is quite complicated, but let's just say that as a divorced, single woman I have really had to struggle financially to stay afloat.
I do OK on my own now, but I realize that I have to save all of my pennies for retirement so that my family won't have to worry about taking care of me. I rent the cheapest apartment I could find and spend little to nothing on entertainment (eating out, movies, etc.) and creature comforts. I've also had health problems in the past, which might pose a problem in the future. So while it might appear that I'm flush, that's a false illusion. Not having a husband to depend on (or family with a lot of money), it's all up to me to make sure that I don't become a burden on anyone else.
How can I set the record straight, that I really don't have extra $$ to spend? I think that my BFF and godchild assume that because I don't have the financial burden of dependents, I'm doing much better than I really am.
I don't think you need to set anything straight with them. The BFF needs to not put you on the spot to justify your decision to be childfree. The godchild is going to be 18 and out in the real world soon and she is going to learn by herself that just bc someone don't have kids to feed does not mean that they have piles of cash lying around.
I don't think you need to set anything straight with them. The BFF needs to not put you on the spot to justify your decision to be childfree.
+1
14 is an insufferable age. The kid probably notes your discomfort with the question and feeds on it like a Dementor
The real problem is your own. You don't need to JADE Justify Argue Defend Explain
Quote:
I did have a talk with BFF later. I told her that although I make a lot more money than she (BFF) does, I also live in a city that costs twice as much to live, about on par with San Francisco.
That is JADE-ing. Like Dissenter says, you don't need - shoot, it is presumptuous of that person - to think you have to justify your choice. Even if the person is your BFF (wouldn't be mine, acting like that ) a true friend wouldn't put you on the defensive.
I suggest stock answers and bean dipping: "well, yes, I do consider myself fortunate to have this level of income. How is Godchild doing in school? She tells me she's trying out for cheerleader." (or some such subject concerning your GC)
"My income? Goodness, do you know how much it costs to live here?" Then chuckle, roll your eyes, make an airy-fairy gesture with your hands to indicate how absurd the conversation is, and change the subject.
"Wow. Money. Do you know that one of the top reasons that relationships are stressed is because of money talk? I value our friendship too much to talk about that. Let's move on to something else."
Basically, you need to throw her off that subject. And to your godchild, I'd say something like "that is a subject for adults, not kids. You clearly don't understand the background behind my choice. When you are more mature, I'll be glad to talk to you about such a personal subject." (My real choice would be to smack the brat, but I'm a childfree curmudgeon who doesn't like smartass teens )
I don't think you need to set anything straight with them. The BFF needs to not put you on the spot to justify your decision to be childfree. The godchild is going to be 18 and out in the real world soon and she is going to learn by herself that just bc someone don't have kids to feed does not mean that they have piles of cash lying around.
Those are my thoughts as well. But, I don't want my godchild to get the idea that "god will provide." My BFF and her ex-husband took that approach, and they were seriously financially hamstrung during most of the years they were married. God did not provide. Well, unless "god" is an assortment of family members who bailed them out.
I just want her to understand the value of a dollar before she gets out there on her own and makes foolish choices. No one ever told me it would be this hard; I don't think that my parents even knew. If you're not married and are only supporting yourself, it's a really tight squeeze.
I just want her to understand the value of a dollar before she gets out there on her own and makes foolish choices. No one ever told me it would be this hard; I don't think that my parents even knew. If you're not married and are only supporting yourself, it's a really tight squeeze.
::laughs:: Sounds like me with my nieces
They nod as if they appreciate my wisdom, but there's something in the tone, when they say "thanks for telling me that, Aunt Silverwing" that makes me realize there's a big fat ::eyeroll:: that happens when they turn away
They nod as if they appreciate my wisdom, but there's something in the tone, when they say "thanks for telling me that, Aunt Silverwing" that makes me realize there's a big fat ::eyeroll:: that happens when they turn away
Thanks for ALL of your advice -- truly.
At age 14, godkid really isn't going to grasp what I tell her. Right now, she's still a dependent, and it's not until you really get out on your own and start making your own money -- and having to spend it on unfun stuff like rent, bills, medical expenses -- that you realize that you actually do have something in common with all of those curmudgeons!
I always take the approach of blood or bills. If you're not related to me by blood or helping me pay my bills (i.e., my boss), you really have no business in my finances. LoL
Any monetary gift you give her from now on, preface it with a reminder to pay herself first and then use/spend the rest. Even small nuggets like that will help her learn the value of money and how to plan for a rainy day.
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) a true friend wouldn't put you on the defensive. 
)
