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Old 09-08-2013, 12:30 PM
 
35,109 posts, read 40,202,457 times
Reputation: 62049

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Quote:
Originally Posted by mandln View Post
I need some advice. My son just turned 38 and he refuses to get a job and move out of the house. Since graduating from high school, he has done nothing but sit on the couch, watch television, and play Xbox. He is also very disrespectful to my husband and I, and he yells at us for little things like if we order him the wrong kind of food or if I ask him to do something around the house like make up his bed or wash the clothes. He sleeps until 3 in the afternoon every day and stays up all night. I have told him to get a job but he refuses and says he hates working and that he won't do it. I can't just kick him out because I know he will end up on the street or in a homeless shelter. My husband and I are in our mid 60s and what we are afraid of more than anything is that we will die at some point and he won't be able to take care of himself. He is an intelligent man and made mainly As in high school, so he isn't stupid but he just won't get a job. How can I motivate him to work and become independent? I would prefer something that pays enough for him to live on his own, so he can't just work at a McDonald's. He's probably too old for the military and I know he would refuse to sign up for it even if he could. I just really need some ideas as this has been going on too long.

He is 38 years old and you are just now tired of supporting him?

Give him a specific date to have a job and be out on his own and follow through. If he does not have a job and living on his own kick him out, change the locks and do not allow him back in the house.
If you bought the xbox which I am guessing you did unhook the thing and sell it.
Next time you order out order for yourself and your husband.


You can just kick him out, you and your husband have enabled him to continue to use and abuse you all these years. If he ends up on the streets so be it. Something has to teach him how the real world works and no one else out there is going to support him after you and your husband die.

 
Old 09-08-2013, 12:33 PM
 
Location: Brooklyn,NY
10,608 posts, read 13,138,122 times
Reputation: 16152
Quote:
Originally Posted by eureka1 View Post
Totally agree. Family counseling, with or without the son.
I agree with this. Him winding up homeless, As harsh a lesson as it is endangers one's life as the streets esp when sleeping rough after dark leaves you vulnerable to the elements and predators both human and otherwise. As he has been home and sheltered it's even worse for him. Counseling, Finding out first why he has no motivation to work, Earn money to contribute and experience life should be done. An adult of this age and especially one that is competent enough to make this choice must know there is a whole world out there to see and experience and the fact he has NO motivation to do this is worrisome. His parents will not be around forever and at some pint he will have to fend for himself. The older he gets the worse it will be when that time comes and he has no real world skills.

Hope things straighten out. It's still not too late to get something going for himself.
 
Old 09-08-2013, 12:36 PM
 
1,528 posts, read 1,436,059 times
Reputation: 11170
Cancel your cable TV, stop paying for his cell phone, clothes, and anything else you're paying for for him. Prepare/order whatever food you want, he can take it or leave it. Do not react if he objects. Don't try to appease him. Don't try to please him. Play music at top volume while he is sleeping during the day or start a construction project during the day. Make life in your house so boring and uncomfortable he will choose to leave.

If you are unwilling to give him an ultimatum and throw him out to fend for himself, your only other options are to change the locks on the house if he ever does go out, or just move and leave no forwarding address.

People can only take advantage of you if you let them.
 
Old 09-08-2013, 12:56 PM
 
329 posts, read 398,844 times
Reputation: 316
He need a girl friend... And move with her.
 
Old 09-08-2013, 12:59 PM
 
Location: Nassau, Long Island, NY
16,408 posts, read 28,880,032 times
Reputation: 7268
Quote:
Originally Posted by cheapcharly View Post
He need a girl friend... And move with her.
Amend that to a girlfriend who works and has her own apartment ... with these parents' luck he'll get a girlfriend with no job who will move in with the family!
 
Old 09-08-2013, 01:00 PM
 
Location: North Beach, MD on the Chesapeake
33,875 posts, read 42,085,992 times
Reputation: 43276
Quote:
Originally Posted by I_Love_LI_but View Post
Amend that to a girlfriend who works and has her own apartment ... with these parents' luck he'll get a girlfriend with no job who will move in with the family!
With her kids from a previous relationship(s) and his in the oven.
 
Old 09-08-2013, 01:01 PM
 
Location: North Dakota
7,721 posts, read 9,018,166 times
Reputation: 11083
Quote:
Originally Posted by mandln View Post
I need some advice. My son just turned 38 and he refuses to get a job and move out of the house. Since graduating from high school, he has done nothing but sit on the couch, watch television, and play Xbox. He is also very disrespectful to my husband and I, and he yells at us for little things like if we order him the wrong kind of food or if I ask him to do something around the house like make up his bed or wash the clothes. He sleeps until 3 in the afternoon every day and stays up all night. I have told him to get a job but he refuses and says he hates working and that he won't do it. I can't just kick him out because I know he will end up on the street or in a homeless shelter. My husband and I are in our mid 60s and what we are afraid of more than anything is that we will die at some point and he won't be able to take care of himself. He is an intelligent man and made mainly As in high school, so he isn't stupid but he just won't get a job. How can I motivate him to work and become independent? I would prefer something that pays enough for him to live on his own, so he can't just work at a McDonald's. He's probably too old for the military and I know he would refuse to sign up for it even if he could. I just really need some ideas as this has been going on too long.
This is what happens when you enable someone for 20 years. Kick his a** out already.
 
Old 09-08-2013, 01:05 PM
 
1,263 posts, read 2,769,334 times
Reputation: 1880
Quote:
Originally Posted by caspian65 View Post
Sounds to me like he should talk to a counselor, there are probably some deep psychological issues that need to be addressed. Depression comes to mind, which meds can help with.
Actually, I think it's OP who needs therapy. I'm not being sarcastic; no offense intended. The son gotten away with this up to age 38 because OP is feeding into it - "it takes two to tango."

I suspect OP has serious co-dependency issues that need to be addressed before she'll be able to stand up to her abusive son. And yes, his behavior is manipulative and abusive. There's probably boundary issues in OP's marriage too since she and her husband are both trapped by this dysfunction.

OP: There's a group called "Co-Dependents Anonymous" that has group therapy meetings all over the country. You should attend one and listen to the stories of other people who've found themselves in similar situations.
 
Old 09-08-2013, 01:06 PM
 
Location: Florida
2,291 posts, read 4,943,964 times
Reputation: 5236
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
He is 38 years old and you are just now tired of supporting him?

Give him a specific date to have a job and be out on his own and follow through. If he does not have a job and living on his own kick him out, change the locks and do not allow him back in the house.
If you bought the xbox which I am guessing you did unhook the thing and sell it.
Next time you order out order for yourself and your husband.


You can just kick him out, you and your husband have enabled him to continue to use and abuse you all these years. If he ends up on the streets so be it. Something has to teach him how the real world works and no one else out there is going to support him after you and your husband die.

Exactly what I would say. You and your husband have enabled him long enough.
 
Old 09-08-2013, 01:09 PM
 
1,263 posts, read 2,769,334 times
Reputation: 1880
Quote:
Originally Posted by 313Weather View Post
Counseling/professional help only works if the son believes he has a problem.

Based on what the OP describes, he seems to be in his right mind. He just expects the OP and her husband to support him for the rest of his life.
Frankly, it's a reasonable expectation given the family dynamics. If the parents couldn't bring themselves to kick out the leech son from ages 18 to 38, why would he believe they'd ever find the guts to kick him out?

He's going to live off them forever.
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