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Old 09-08-2013, 02:57 PM
 
3,245 posts, read 4,370,829 times
Reputation: 2541

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sgoldie View Post
I thought I wrote the OP's statement except it isn't my son but my bf's who lives with us, same age. ... has had only a half dozen jobs over the yrs none for more than a month or two and I suspect most he was fired from.
Your post seems to have more validity than the OP, so I'll reply to you.
Either give your BF a "him or me" ultimatum, and stick to it, or shut up & bear it.
It's not your house, so you can't order him to leave. Then, you go!
If you can't, then you have placed yourself in the same situation as him = living off your BF.
In FL, he can survive in the warm weather. Millions of other bums do.

 
Old 09-08-2013, 03:00 PM
 
Location: Somewhere extremely awesome
3,029 posts, read 2,463,780 times
Reputation: 2318
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zen Dragonfly View Post
Whether you are right or wrong I do not know. But to state categorically what "nobody would" do this or that means that you've known every single parent with adult child still at home and none of them, except for OP, put up with their adult child's disrespectful behavior.

I've known families where parents just couldn't separate themselves from their overgrown "babies". I am guessing as long as both parents worked, the problem wasn't as visible and probably did not affect them financially as much; but now that one of both parents retired (I am guessing here), they see the effect their son's presence has on their lives, and, possibly, their fixed income does not stretch as far as regular earnings did. They are no longer able to support him.
When I wrote "nobody would," I meant it in the "I don't believe this" way, not the "it's not possible" way. But it's not like sweeping generalizations never appear on C-D.
 
Old 09-08-2013, 03:03 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,856,609 times
Reputation: 8956
Why all of a sudden is this intolerable?

Weird.

I don't believe this is a real post at all.


 
Old 09-08-2013, 03:06 PM
 
Location: Beautiful hills
248 posts, read 401,371 times
Reputation: 506
Sharks With Lasers,
 
Old 09-08-2013, 03:12 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,042 posts, read 17,354,477 times
Reputation: 41397
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chaofan View Post
Cancel your cable TV, stop paying for his cell phone, clothes, and anything else you're paying for for him. Prepare/order whatever food you want, he can take it or leave it. Do not react if he objects. Don't try to appease him. Don't try to please him. Play music at top volume while he is sleeping during the day or start a construction project during the day. Make life in your house so boring and uncomfortable he will choose to leave.

If you are unwilling to give him an ultimatum and throw him out to fend for himself, your only other options are to change the locks on the house if he ever does go out, or just move and leave no forwarding address.

People can only take advantage of you if you let them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
At one time I would have said just kick him out but really there may be mental illness issues or you've let this be the habit so long that he is crippled in emotional ways.

If he's never held a job before, it's not going to matter one iota what his high scrhool grades were or that you want him to have a high paying job, at this point, he's going to have to take any kind of job that he can.

I would do what I do for an 18 year old that seems to just want to lay around playing x-box and getting fussy about my food that he's eating. End it.

I would not wash his clothes, I would not prepare him meals at all and I would definitely stop ordering meals for him. There would be peanut butter and bread available in the home but nothing more. No more new clothes, and I would seriously consider cutting the free internet service. If he drives, I'd put an end to that privilege also. No cash ever.

In this way you can begin to wean him. Cut off ALL non-essentials. If he wants anything that even hints of a non-necessity, he can start figuring out how he's going to earn money outside the home to get those things. Stop doing all parenting of him. He's still living in your home so you didn't kick him out onto the streets but it's going to become less and less pleasant for him.
There has been some excellent posts listed.
Please get help ASAP, yes, you should have kicked him out 15 -20 years ago but better now than 15-20 years from now.

I just noticed that you are already in your mid sixties, Imagine being 80 or 85 years old having to work a full time job to support your 58 year old son who still just sits around the house playing videogames, using the internet that you pay for, eating the food that you purchase, you fix and don't forget that you are probably doing all of the cleaning, too.

Will you have the physical strength and good health to put in 40 or 50 hours a week of work just so that your son has the newest videogame, new clothes, food, a place to live, someone cleaning up after him. a cell phone plan, the internet? If you aren't looking forward to doing that then you better do something NOW!

PS. Another alternative is to sell your house, move into a senior living apartment and use any left over money take a wonderful vacation---just the two of you.

Your son has leeched off of you long enough. Go out and enjoy YOUR LIFE.

Last edited by germaine2626; 09-08-2013 at 03:25 PM.. Reason: added PS
 
Old 09-08-2013, 03:22 PM
 
Location: Long Island
8,743 posts, read 12,190,584 times
Reputation: 5048
I'm a proponent of letting your kids live with you after graduating but that's only if they have a goal to save while working their 1st full time job to try and move out. At late 20s if they're still in the house then they're simply freeloading. I know - what's done is done. At this point, he is only going to start out small in my opinion and it needs to interest him. You said no McDonald's-types. What degree does he hold and what has he done in the past?
 
Old 09-08-2013, 03:23 PM
 
Location: here
24,839 posts, read 30,089,193 times
Reputation: 32406
You did him a huge disservice by allowing this for 20 years. I was going to write that you need to give him an ultimatum and a deadline, but then I thought, what kind of job is he going to get? No one will hire a 38 year old with zero work experience or education. This is a very difficult bed you've helped make for the 3 of you.

Perhaps if you can convince him to seek mental health treatment, there will be some sort of volunteer work or job training program he can get into.

At this point, after 20 years of doing what he's doing, I wouldn't expect much from him. It is likely nothing will change, ever.
 
Old 09-08-2013, 03:31 PM
 
Location: The Greater Houston Metro Area
8,988 posts, read 14,673,335 times
Reputation: 14876
I call bulls**t. It didn't bother the OP for 20 years -it's not bothering her now.
 
Old 09-08-2013, 03:32 PM
 
Location: On The Road Full Time RVing
2,342 posts, read 2,909,985 times
Reputation: 2224
Quote:
Originally Posted by mandln View Post
I need some advice. My son just turned 38 and he refuses to get a job and move out of the house. Since graduating from high school, he has done nothing but sit on the couch, watch television, and play Xbox. He is also very disrespectful to my husband and I, and he yells at us for little things like if we order him the wrong kind of food or if I ask him to do something around the house like make up his bed or wash the clothes. He sleeps until 3 in the afternoon every day and stays up all night. I have told him to get a job but he refuses and says he hates working and that he won't do it. I can't just kick him out because I know he will end up on the street or in a homeless shelter. My husband and I are in our mid 60s and what we are afraid of more than anything is that we will die at some point and he won't be able to take care of himself. He is an intelligent man and made mainly As in high school, so he isn't stupid but he just won't get a job. How can I motivate him to work and become independent? I would prefer something that pays enough for him to live on his own, so he can't just work at a McDonald's. He's probably too old for the military and I know he would refuse to sign up for it even if he could. I just really need some ideas as this has been going on too long.
If you and your husband die in a few years then what will he do.
He will lose everything and be a bum on the streest or worse in Jail.

It's time he learn how to take care of himself which is not your job
as parents to make him lazy and mistreat you.

Don't let him yell at you and make him leave and get out on his own.
.
 
Old 09-08-2013, 03:45 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 88,542,478 times
Reputation: 39866
Quote:
Originally Posted by mandln View Post
I need some advice. My son just turned 38 and he refuses to get a job and move out of the house. Since graduating from high school, he has done nothing but sit on the couch, watch television, and play Xbox. He is also very disrespectful to my husband and I, and he yells at us for little things like if we order him the wrong kind of food or if I ask him to do something around the house like make up his bed or wash the clothes. He sleeps until 3 in the afternoon every day and stays up all night. I have told him to get a job but he refuses and says he hates working and that he won't do it. I can't just kick him out because I know he will end up on the street or in a homeless shelter. My husband and I are in our mid 60s and what we are afraid of more than anything is that we will die at some point and he won't be able to take care of himself. He is an intelligent man and made mainly As in high school, so he isn't stupid but he just won't get a job. How can I motivate him to work and become independent? I would prefer something that pays enough for him to live on his own, so he can't just work at a McDonald's. He's probably too old for the military and I know he would refuse to sign up for it even if he could. I just really need some ideas as this has been going on too long.
I'm sorry, are you for real?

You are actually going to come here and try to tell people that for 20 YEARS now you have let your adult son live with you and do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING but sit on the couch, play and eat?

REALLY?
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