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Old 09-08-2013, 03:47 PM
Location: SE Michigan
6,191 posts, read 15,368,366 times
Reputation: 10248


Originally Posted by North Beach Person View Post
This has been going on for 20 years and it's just now bothering you? You've let him do this for 20 years?
This. I wish the OP would come back and clarify a few things.

I know a family in a similar situation. Younger son has worked for me for 8 years, now owns his own home, has really pulled himself up out of a terrible family dynamic.

His older brother is in his late 30s and has only briefly worked a time or two in his life. He is a crack addict. He has two children that he has no interest in, and has lost parental rights to. He has no income at all, and lives with his mother. Last year, the father (who is a weak and uneducated person in general) left the 40-year marriage to live with someone who would take care of him, as his previous wife had done. A main source of the conflict was her enabling and coddling of the crack-head son. Despite having little money because she now is on disability and assistance, she gives him money for smokes and drugs, and turns a blind eye to the fact he is illegally scrapping and burglarizing houses to fund his drug habit.

It is clear that the enabling mother is getting something out of this relationship. She gets to feel needed and validated and in control. As was the enabling father, until he figured an easy way out and left her. And clearly the crack-head son is getting his base needs taken care of by mommy. Who is in poor health and whatever will he do when she passes away?

Old 09-08-2013, 03:57 PM
3,721 posts, read 3,921,257 times
Reputation: 3366
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
Why all of a sudden is this intolerable?


I don't believe this is a real post at all.

Agreed and OP has not been back.
Old 09-08-2013, 03:59 PM
Location: Wonderland
44,870 posts, read 36,203,761 times
Reputation: 63531
Tell him that you are ALL going to family counseling for three months - this is mandatory. About a month into the counseling, tell him that you are expecting him to move out in two months (I am pretty sure that the counseling will bring this issue forward anyway - unless it uncovers severe mental illness, which is a whole other story). Tell him to plan for it and expect it.

Then kick him out at the end of two months. Period. It is not YOUR fault if he ends up on the streets - it's HIS fault. Besides that, he can go to the Salvation Army. He doesn't have to sleep in the street. Of course, he will have to obey the rules of the Salvation Army. He won't like that, but too bad.

Anyway, if they found out he is truly mentally ill then there may be some programs, starting with disability benefits, that he can get into. That would be your next option. DO IT. GET HIM OUT OF YOUR HOUSE.
Old 09-08-2013, 04:01 PM
Location: North Carolina
1,818 posts, read 2,199,874 times
Reputation: 2773
I know a family like this as well. The son is 31 and has never held a job in his life. He lives at home, plays on the computer and barely does chores around the house. His parents are too passive to give him an ultimatum and consequently he treats them like garbage, talks down to them, and acts like he owns the house. He uses guilt-trips and shaming tactics to control his parents. It's a sad dynamic to witness.

Ultimatum is the only way. By letting your son live with you at his age without doing anything to earn his keep, you are enabling him and crippling him as well. He will never learn the life skills and tough life lessons that the average person is forced to learn when they move out on their own and start supporting themselves. Technically he is crippling himself, but since he seems to take no self-responsibility whatsoever, you are really the one in control of the situation here.
Old 09-08-2013, 04:06 PM
47,573 posts, read 60,651,860 times
Reputation: 22283
Originally Posted by Chowhound View Post

It might be real... doubtful though.... who waits 20 yrs to complain about their son not working... what decent parent on this earth would standby and let that happen?????

All this thread does is make that parent look like a complete fool..... never mind the kid... the parents are the dummies here.......
It's more common than you might think.

I think what happens is that the child just never leaves home and gets used to not having to have job and the parents just keep thinking he or she is about to turn things around. A few years go by like this, then a few more years, then a few more and next thing you know the "kid" is pushing 40, or even pushing 50 and nothing has changed. Plus it's quite common when a child has some kind of mental illness -- not serious enough to be institutionalized but not confident enough or too manipulative to find a job.

I actually know a number of people who worry about their children because they haven't worked enough quarters to get social security and wonder how easy it will be for them to get a disability check at least when they get too old to work.
Old 09-08-2013, 04:08 PM
1,409 posts, read 808,523 times
Reputation: 2336
Originally Posted by caspian65 View Post
Sounds to me like he should talk to a counselor, there are probably some deep psychological issues that need to be addressed. Depression comes to mind, which meds can help with.
I agree. He is sleeping all day, a classic sign of depression or bipolar depression. Tell him as a condition of staying there, he will HAVE TO SEE A PSYCHIATRIST for a thorough evaluation. At least then he will get to the bottom of this and hopefuly have treatment to help him improve so that he can work. If he is not able to, help him apply for disability. But the first thing is he needs to have a complete evaluation. Let the doctor know the basics, that he has no motivation or interest in life, all he does is stay home and sleeps all day. The doctor needs that info to make an informed diagnosis
Old 09-08-2013, 04:12 PM
Location: Happy wherever I am - Florida now
3,359 posts, read 10,913,703 times
Reputation: 3843
Yeah, BigJake54, I was in the process of moving till my back went out and I couldn't move or even get up then I thought what would I do with no support network here for help? The bf doesn't expend any money on me other than what it costs him to live. I pay my own expenses and food with my limited social security. He begged me to marry him till he found out that in Fl you can't leave a wife destitute even if all your money is in a trust.

I guess what bothers me about kids like this late bloomer are that I was just the opposite. I honestly don't know how they will function in the future? They think they know a lot but have so much more to learn you can only get by being on your own.
Old 09-08-2013, 04:15 PM
Location: North Carolina
2,657 posts, read 7,187,536 times
Reputation: 4297
Originally Posted by 313Weather View Post
Counseling/professional help only works if the son believes he has a problem.

Based on what the OP describes, he seems to be in his right mind. He just expects the OP and her husband to support him for the rest of his life.
Counseling for the parents to deal with the emotional manipulation and a lawyer to map out the legal part of eviction. It may not be so easy to hoist his barnacled ass out of the house if he (as expected) would not leave.

If this isn't resolved ::: puts on Amazing Kreskin turban:: I predict that the parents will become old and frail, still living in that house with their parasitic child. The son will become the one with the power, taking their SS or pensions, massively neglecting their welfare and abusing them if they protest the treatment.
Old 09-08-2013, 04:24 PM
Location: Beautiful hills
248 posts, read 401,482 times
Reputation: 506
Originally Posted by mondayafternoons View Post
He is sleeping all day, a classic sign of depression or bipolar depression.
He is sleeping all day because he plays video games all night, it's not depression, it's a freeloader syndrome
Old 09-08-2013, 04:28 PM
Location: North Dakota
7,742 posts, read 9,037,388 times
Reputation: 11138
Originally Posted by Zen Dragonfly View Post
He is sleeping all day because he plays video games all night, it's not depression, it's a freeloader syndrome
I agree, depression is a complete copout in this case.
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