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Old 09-09-2013, 03:37 PM
 
Location: Northern Illinois
2,187 posts, read 3,598,929 times
Reputation: 6336

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Quote:
Originally Posted by rosettastoned View Post
Okay, maybe the thread title was exaggerating quite a bit.

But maybe it wasn't?

First off, I just graduated high school and I'm kind of at a standstill/rough patch in my life right now. I won't get into why, but one thing that is certainly overwhelming is....dealing with my mother.

It seems like we can't compromise anything. I've tried to in the past, but the best she can do is accept my viewpoint and subtly ignore it. I try to take a rational and logical approach based on what makes sense to me, and while I'm willing to admit I'm wrong if a better viewpoint is presented, almost anything I suggest gets turned down because according to her "she's the parent, and she pays the bills, therefore she has the say, blah blah". It also seems like she stays in her comfort zone no matter what, and if so, she doesn't realize how that could affect me and other members of my family.

I won't knock her too immaturely - I'll admit, I could be helping out around the house more, like cleaning - which adds to her anger and stress (I'm battling stress/depression at the moment) Also,she works her ass off to support me and my younger sister, and she does have PTSD which might be clouding her judgements - but if i can recall, she was always kind of a worry wart, prone to making her irrational - just never to this intensity. After her divorce about 3 years ago, it seems like she's trying to come of as this authoritative, powerful figure - coming off as rude, at times, which I don't think she realizes.
A lot of this is substantially putting me off, and making me really feel like cutting her out of my life for good, if I move out, since it seems like no matter what I do or say, it will be irrelevant. But a part of me is skeptical. A part of me feels bad, and I feel like a jerk, judging her constantly, and even getting into explosive arguments with her. Which is why I ask you, the general public - is it just me? Am I wrong to think she's being a total irrational, Mod cut. ?

I'll provide more details about certain situations I've been in with her:

-She quite a bit overreacts about things that are trivial.
-I can't leave the house after 9:30-10pm, despite being of legal age. Apparently according to her, I'm not responsible yet because I fail to listen to her or help out around the house. I might see why the latter is reasonable - but I've had mental health problems which have gotten in the way as well. Still, her reasoning isn't the best way to measure someone's responsibility or potential.
-She started sleeping on our living room couch every night. This affects me, because I have loopy sleeping patterns and I find myself needing to go downstairs every so often. She tells my sister it's because she's afraid someone will break in to our house (which I think is a little more unlikely because we live in a twinhouse-apartment complex) but when I ask her, she gives me the same crap reason "because its my house, I pay for everything!" She never had this problem before, why a sudden change? I also asked her when she started doing this, and she said it was because her room was a mess. Still, inconsistent.
-A few months ago I accidentally broke our home computer. I offered to fix it and even take it to my technical school IT class so maybe my instructor could take a look at it, but she refused. I explained the logic to her that these people had lots of experience going through computer files and recoveries, and she could save money, which would be crucial considering her financial situation. But she was afraid that they would see files my father left on the computer. Plus she thought it would break again. Instead she threw it out, and depleted her income buying a laptop.
-I was just starting to overcome my social anxiety/borderline agoraphobia, and was making some friends. One night I asked her if I could go over to a friends house for a couple hours. She then says I can't because I don't know them well enough to go over, or in other words, I have to get to know someone well enough at a social setting like school, to a certain degree in order to visit someone. Then I ask her how Mod cut do middle aged people get to know each other, if they don't attend a consistent social setting like school? Like say they meet at a concert or cafe? I mean, you could exchange numbers and go to attractions together. But is there really a common risk with going over to someones house? She then says, through family, or mutual friends - which clearly isn't always the case.
-The day after we discussed that, I got invited to Atlantic City by some friends for a day, and was fed up - so I left without telling my mother. She then freaks out a few hours after I left, keeps my sister up, driving her around to look for me, proclaims to her that she's afraid that I could be getting raped (which was totally Mod cut immature).
-One day I told her I was wanting to take up playing music as a hobby, and was thinking about buying some instruments - and she tells me she thinks that's unrealistic. How Mod cut is playing in a small band, at the least, unrealistic?
-This summer, we all went on vacation with our moms side of the family to visit my uncle. She feels the need to set up a counseling session with my counselor + my sisters counselor to discuss a vacation plan, rules, what to expect, etc. All of that could have been discussed at home in 5-10 mins, rather than a half an hour. I ask her why she needed to do this, she told me it was a comfortable decision on her part. Staying in her comfort zone.
Then, on vacation, I apparently broke a ton of those rules - one of them leaving the general vicinity of her and family on the beach, because I had to use a porta potty. I even told members of my family where I would be going IN FRONT of my mother - it didn't matter if they were okay with it, it only mattered if she was - and she berates me. Other funny things that happened on vacation include her cleaning the kitchen of the rental house, and returning a few hours later to a moderate mess, which led her to complain when no one was around but me and my sister - which was kind of rude because it seemed like she was acting like it was her kitchen, when it clearly wasn't. Also we were determining where to sleep, and I remember proclaiming to my aunt how much I liked a bedroom containing an outdoor porch. My aunt then suggested I should ask my grandmother if I could have that room, probably under the assumption that she would prefer that room. I did, and she was okay with either outcome. But my mom finds out, and then says I'm trying to "manipulate" my grandmother! It wasn't a big deal to me if i could have that room or not, but according to her, I'm disrespecting her rules because of things like this.

My sister tells me funny stories about her too. Like:

-One time she was in a counseling session with her mother about something. And my sister is waiting in the lobby and there's this old black guy waiting as well. Mom plus her out of the lobby (sounds overprotective?) but not only for THAT, but to also prove a point to her about how "she's right" about something, because "she's the parent" blah, more irrational Mod cut reasoning. I don't remember what happened afterwards, but if I can recall, the counselor somewhat disagreed, leading mom to get upset/defensive.
-There's this kid on her bus that starts all sorts of stuff, joking around, really hyperactive - from what she tells me. Apparently a bus driver quit because of him. But when she tells mom...mom wants to talk to the school district to attempt to get him removed. I would agree with that, if only the kid was severely threatening or hurting somebody - which the kid hasn't done yet. So I personally think that's nosy - plus, the world is full of Mod cut young adolescent boys raging with hormones. It sounds normal to me, but of course she has to take it a step further.

So, is it just me? Is she really unreasonable? Or am I just a bitter son?

Mod note: Changes in red have been made by me. PJSinger
Well son, here is the plain news which all of us over 30 know already - when you live under your parents roof - you follow their rules, no if's, and's or but's about it. If you're so unhappy - get a job and get out - when you pay for your own stuff you will have the freedom you desire. So, you're of age (18 I take it) out of high school - why aren't you working or looking for a job?
"I'm battling stress/depression at the moment) Also,she works her ass off to support me and my younger sister" = what do you mean - you"re battling stress/depression - what in the hell are you stressed over? You don't do anything around the house, don't contribute anything, still got to go on a vacation that you didn't have to pay for. Your mom works her ass off to support you and your younger sister - and you can't understand why she gets angry or upset with you for doing nothing to help her in any way?? You want to go visit friends at 10 at night - why can't you see them during the daytime - since you're not doing anything constructive? She is sleeping on the couch to that you can't sneak out or in without her knowing about it- she apparently doesn't feel she can trust you - and trust is an earned commodity BTW. You want to buy musical instruments? How are you going to pay for them or do you expect her to? She is the breadwinner - it is her house and her roof and therefore her rules. Legally - she is not obligated to provide you with anything further than she already has. She went through a divorce 3 years ago - and yet she has managed to provide a home for you and your sister, while working full time, and so yes of course I'm sure her personality has changed. Her world changed and she had to adapt to do the parenting of two people. You could change this whole situation so easily - either by pitching in, and quit being so critical of her and whining about yourself, OR (and I vote for this one)...go out there and find yourself a job, get a place of your own - on your own - don't expect her to pay for it or run to her when you need help - and see how easy it is for anybody in this day and age, in this economy, to try and make ends meet without getting crap from someone who knows absolutely nothing about responsibility - and is not ready to learn yet. Grow up young man, cut your mama some slack, and start figuring it out for yourself like the rest of us did....geez already
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Old 09-09-2013, 03:42 PM
 
458 posts, read 538,676 times
Reputation: 495
Quote:
Originally Posted by G-fused View Post
you have too much time on your hands.
People with too much time on their hands needs to cut Facebook from their diet.
Facebook makes you fat.
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Old 09-09-2013, 03:42 PM
 
Location: Hampstead NC
5,516 posts, read 5,040,174 times
Reputation: 13915
Your mom sounds just like mine! Everything was always such a big freakin deal she never saved any thing up for when it was truly important. Sure there were times when she probably was being reasonable but it was hard to see her point of view when she was screaming at me for something I didn't do or couldn''t have known was against the rules. She would have also not wanted me to sleep in the room with the porch, sure that I would invite boys in or sneak out. I was SO not that kind of kid. She was psycho paranoid about bad things happening to me or bad choices for YEARS and although I was not 100% reliable I was never out smoking or drinking or having sex. She continued to be weird, controlling and angry until shortly after I got married, then she was just resigned to having lost me. Now she is still weird, controlling and angry but I live farther away. I still can't stand her.

And guess what, My mom has a diagnosed personality disorder. I'm glad you are all in counseling because it sounds like she needs it. What does your counselor say about the family dynamic? Can you increase your meds? No need to battle this out alone.

You have no idea what is going on in your mom's head, so I will advise, like the others, to pull more weight around the house and stay out of her business. Maybe she had reason to believe your dad had stuff on the computer she didn't want anyone to see, etc. Don't second guess her judgement if it really doesn't directly affect you.
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Old 09-09-2013, 04:20 PM
 
18,291 posts, read 23,418,375 times
Reputation: 34216
dont do any seances in that house, enough crazy ...to attract a whole asylum..


you ever walk a dog, and the dog sees a park across the busy road, the dog is pulling at the leash, to run across the road-but knowing that you hang on tighter and scream at the dog to calm down?? (you know if you let the dog go, it will run across the street and most likely get hit by a car, and you wont forgive yourself)
well, parents do the same with kids...
even tho you are an adult, your mother doesnt want to let go- she still wants to protect you..

here's a thought, instead of a test of wills, hug your mom out of the blue- thank her for all she has done....

i think she will start letting go, if it wasnt a constant tug of war.
to be treated like an adult, you need to act like an adult,,

dont nitpick at her,,and if she does with you,,,let it go..
dont second guess her motives,,adults have a weight and burden, kids cant relate too- financially, work-wise, and responsibilities..

work on your own personality,,,start small,,be positive, be enthusiastic, help out around the house
if you are struggling with depression.....then start jogging every night...not a cure, but self therapy- releases endorphins- will make you feel better..

go buy your mother something she likes -that she wont buy for herself...
and keep yourself busy when you are alone with her..productive busy!!!

many mothers and daughters are like two cats,,, you got about 5 minutes before they start growling at each other
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Old 09-09-2013, 07:02 PM
 
2,839 posts, read 4,971,299 times
Reputation: 3702
I don't see why being stressed out means you can't help her around the house. Get up and clean, and then spend 1-2 hours a day looking for a job.

Then get a job, save up money, and move out. Yes your mom is crazy, and? What are YOU going to do about it?
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Old 09-09-2013, 07:07 PM
 
Location: here
24,839 posts, read 29,990,170 times
Reputation: 32387
I don't think your mom is crazy. It sounds like she has some anxiety issues, perhaps. Bottom line, if you're an adult, move out.
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Old 09-09-2013, 10:11 PM
 
Location: South of Oz & North of Shangri-La
7,129 posts, read 4,096,283 times
Reputation: 3081
No one has mentioned this, but, in addition to her problems. she possibly could be entering or in menopause. That takes usual stress and fears and amps them up to unbelievable proportions. I know that I have talked to young people who were complaining about how their mothers are so strange and some of the (to them) bizarre behavior. Automatically, I ask them their mothers' ages. Often, they are well within that age range.

I started when I was in my early 30s and struggled for decades with the various problems. I know I didn't have it as tough as many women because my mother had been through it and was the first one to recognize my symptoms. She knew women who had to be committed because of the effects of "the change". Knowing that she had weathered it gave me additional strength.

This is just a suggestion, of course. She might already have enough problems to deal with.

She does sound as if she is carrying a heavy load and trying to cope with a lot, including keeping her children in a good home. Remember that parents can see dangers that you might be oblivious to; I was wise enough to listen to them though my younger sister was a challenger. She ended up in some situations that could have truly been fatal. It was as if someone was watching over her that she managed to come through unscathed. At least she was brave enough to speak with my mother and say, "You were right."
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Old 09-10-2013, 05:23 AM
 
26,323 posts, read 24,422,016 times
Reputation: 16002
Your life is at a standstill, b/c that is your choice to be where you are. Who in the world in this day and age, isn't suffering from depression?
your mother is doing the best she can do, perhaps it isn't perfect, perhaps it isn't how you want things to be, however, she is doing her best, which is more then you are doing.

If you think life is easy, and your right, then leave, get out there and get a job, and stop tearing your mother apart for doing the best that she can do.

You see things differently now, but wait, wait until you have your own daughters, it isn't easy and your whole perception of life will change, or at least I hope it does.

your mother could be your best friend....if you are suffering from depression, then do something about it, and I hope you are not hooked on any type of medication.

We all have a tough life, some worse then others, and there is someone always worse off then you. Other people have survived and you can to.

Your mother has provided for you, by doing the tough job that she is doing, and what are you doing to help her. You keep making excuses for yourself, not to see her side of the story.

If she didn't care about you, she'd allow you to not only have your way, but to run the streets and do what ever you want to do.

Take a look at the projects in huge cities were kids have no parenting, they don't have parents that care about them or even know how to be parents. They sit on their butts all day, doing drugs and drinking all the welfare money away, make their kids parent their sibblings, clean, shop, and do not care if there is food on the table, or decent clothes on their kids backs. They don't care that their kids are being shot at, they don't care that their kids are the ones doing the shooting. They don't care that their boyfriends are beating and sexually abusing their kids....there is no structure what so ever in those homes.

So, I suggest, to you, if life is so bad for you, then leave, get out and get a job, and your own apartment and get a taste of what your mother is going thru....b/c you are not doing a darn thing for her...and you could...you could be helping her out big time...and you refuse.

Your whole life is ahead of you, your still young, and have no idea what it's like out there....no one is coming down on you for your thougths and feelings, everyone here is trying to help you...life ain't easy....right now, this is very small potatoes compared to what is in store for you, if you don't wake up. We all have to do things we don't like to do...period. And there isn't anything in this world you can't do if you put your mind to it, if you want it bad enough...however, it's all up to you, your choices and no one else. It's time you take the bull by the horns and become a little more responsible and realistic.

If your mother is over protective, your very very lucky she loves you the way she does.
Your lucky she is fighting with all her might to put food on the table and pay the bills.
No relationship is perfect, not a marriage, not a friendship, not a son/father relationship, not a mother/daughter relationship. When ever you have two people involved, there is always going to be disagreements, it's how you react, how you are able to allow others, b/c you can't always have your way, and it's all about prioritising little things compared to big things, is it worth even arguing about, or is it simply easier to just do it, period.
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Old 09-10-2013, 01:11 PM
 
1,263 posts, read 2,760,504 times
Reputation: 1880
Quote:
Originally Posted by CFoulke View Post
Well son, here is the plain news which all of us over 30 know already - when you live under your parents roof - you follow their rules, no if's, and's or but's about it. If you're so unhappy - get a job and get out - when you pay for your own stuff you will have the freedom you desire. So, you're of age (18 I take it) out of high school - why aren't you working or looking for a job?
"I'm battling stress/depression at the moment) Also,she works her ass off to support me and my younger sister" = what do you mean - you"re battling stress/depression - what in the hell are you stressed over? You don't do anything around the house, don't contribute anything, still got to go on a vacation that you didn't have to pay for. Your mom works her ass off to support you and your younger sister - and you can't understand why she gets angry or upset with you for doing nothing to help her in any way?? You want to go visit friends at 10 at night - why can't you see them during the daytime - since you're not doing anything constructive? She is sleeping on the couch to that you can't sneak out or in without her knowing about it- she apparently doesn't feel she can trust you - and trust is an earned commodity BTW. You want to buy musical instruments? How are you going to pay for them or do you expect her to? She is the breadwinner - it is her house and her roof and therefore her rules. Legally - she is not obligated to provide you with anything further than she already has. She went through a divorce 3 years ago - and yet she has managed to provide a home for you and your sister, while working full time, and so yes of course I'm sure her personality has changed. Her world changed and she had to adapt to do the parenting of two people. You could change this whole situation so easily - either by pitching in, and quit being so critical of her and whining about yourself, OR (and I vote for this one)...go out there and find yourself a job, get a place of your own - on your own - don't expect her to pay for it or run to her when you need help - and see how easy it is for anybody in this day and age, in this economy, to try and make ends meet without getting crap from someone who knows absolutely nothing about responsibility - and is not ready to learn yet. Grow up young man, cut your mama some slack, and start figuring it out for yourself like the rest of us did....geez already
I agree completely.

OP: Move out of your mom's house. Some distance will do you both good, and you're an 18+ high school graduate. Get a job and pay your own way in life.

If you're having trouble finding a job on your own, join the military. I think the Army would teach you a lot.
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