Is my mother crazy? (father, person, member, children)

[rosettastoned]

Okay, maybe the thread title was exaggerating quite a bit.

But maybe it wasn't?

First off, I just graduated high school and I'm kind of at a standstill/rough patch in my life right now. I won't get into why, but one thing that is certainly overwhelming is....dealing with my mother.

It seems like we can't compromise anything. I've tried to in the past, but the best she can do is accept my viewpoint and subtly ignore it. I try to take a rational and logical approach based on what makes sense to me, and while I'm willing to admit I'm wrong if a better viewpoint is presented, almost anything I suggest gets turned down because according to her "she's the parent, and she pays the bills, therefore she has the say, blah blah". It also seems like she stays in her comfort zone no matter what, and if so, she doesn't realize how that could affect me and other members of my family.

I won't knock her too immaturely - I'll admit, I could be helping out around the house more, like cleaning - which adds to her anger and stress (I'm battling stress/depression at the moment) Also,she works her ass off to support me and my younger sister, and she does have PTSD which might be clouding her judgements - but if i can recall, she was always kind of a worry wart, prone to making her irrational - just never to this intensity. After her divorce about 3 years ago, it seems like she's trying to come of as this authoritative, powerful figure - coming off as rude, at times, which I don't think she realizes.
A lot of this is substantially putting me off, and making me really feel like cutting her out of my life for good, if I move out, since it seems like no matter what I do or say, it will be irrelevant. But a part of me is skeptical. A part of me feels bad, and I feel like a jerk, judging her constantly, and even getting into explosive arguments with her. Which is why I ask you, the general public - is it just me? Am I wrong to think she's being a total irrational, Mod cut. ?

I'll provide more details about certain situations I've been in with her:

-She quite a bit overreacts about things that are trivial.
-I can't leave the house after 9:30-10pm, despite being of legal age. Apparently according to her, I'm not responsible yet because I fail to listen to her or help out around the house. I might see why the latter is reasonable - but I've had mental health problems which have gotten in the way as well. Still, her reasoning isn't the best way to measure someone's responsibility or potential.
-She started sleeping on our living room couch every night. This affects me, because I have loopy sleeping patterns and I find myself needing to go downstairs every so often. She tells my sister it's because she's afraid someone will break in to our house (which I think is a little more unlikely because we live in a twinhouse-apartment complex) but when I ask her, she gives me the same crap reason "because its my house, I pay for everything!" She never had this problem before, why a sudden change? I also asked her when she started doing this, and she said it was because her room was a mess. Still, inconsistent.
-A few months ago I accidentally broke our home computer. I offered to fix it and even take it to my technical school IT class so maybe my instructor could take a look at it, but she refused. I explained the logic to her that these people had lots of experience going through computer files and recoveries, and she could save money, which would be crucial considering her financial situation. But she was afraid that they would see files my father left on the computer. Plus she thought it would break again. Instead she threw it out, and depleted her income buying a laptop.
-I was just starting to overcome my social anxiety/borderline agoraphobia, and was making some friends. One night I asked her if I could go over to a friends house for a couple hours. She then says I can't because I don't know them well enough to go over, or in other words, I have to get to know someone well enough at a social setting like school, to a certain degree in order to visit someone. Then I ask her how Mod cut do middle aged people get to know each other, if they don't attend a consistent social setting like school? Like say they meet at a concert or cafe? I mean, you could exchange numbers and go to attractions together. But is there really a common risk with going over to someones house? She then says, through family, or mutual friends - which clearly isn't always the case.
-The day after we discussed that, I got invited to Atlantic City by some friends for a day, and was fed up - so I left without telling my mother. She then freaks out a few hours after I left, keeps my sister up, driving her around to look for me, proclaims to her that she's afraid that I could be getting raped (which was totally Mod cut immature).
-One day I told her I was wanting to take up playing music as a hobby, and was thinking about buying some instruments - and she tells me she thinks that's unrealistic. How Mod cut is playing in a small band, at the least, unrealistic?
-This summer, we all went on vacation with our moms side of the family to visit my uncle. She feels the need to set up a counseling session with my counselor + my sisters counselor to discuss a vacation plan, rules, what to expect, etc. All of that could have been discussed at home in 5-10 mins, rather than a half an hour. I ask her why she needed to do this, she told me it was a comfortable decision on her part. Staying in her comfort zone.
Then, on vacation, I apparently broke a ton of those rules - one of them leaving the general vicinity of her and family on the beach, because I had to use a porta potty. I even told members of my family where I would be going IN FRONT of my mother - it didn't matter if they were okay with it, it only mattered if she was - and she berates me. Other funny things that happened on vacation include her cleaning the kitchen of the rental house, and returning a few hours later to a moderate mess, which led her to complain when no one was around but me and my sister - which was kind of rude because it seemed like she was acting like it was her kitchen, when it clearly wasn't. Also we were determining where to sleep, and I remember proclaiming to my aunt how much I liked a bedroom containing an outdoor porch. My aunt then suggested I should ask my grandmother if I could have that room, probably under the assumption that she would prefer that room. I did, and she was okay with either outcome. But my mom finds out, and then says I'm trying to "manipulate" my grandmother! It wasn't a big deal to me if i could have that room or not, but according to her, I'm disrespecting her rules because of things like this.

My sister tells me funny stories about her too. Like:

-One time she was in a counseling session with her mother about something. And my sister is waiting in the lobby and there's this old black guy waiting as well. Mom plus her out of the lobby (sounds overprotective?) but not only for THAT, but to also prove a point to her about how "she's right" about something, because "she's the parent" blah, more irrational Mod cut reasoning. I don't remember what happened afterwards, but if I can recall, the counselor somewhat disagreed, leading mom to get upset/defensive.
-There's this kid on her bus that starts all sorts of stuff, joking around, really hyperactive - from what she tells me. Apparently a bus driver quit because of him. But when she tells mom...mom wants to talk to the school district to attempt to get him removed. I would agree with that, if only the kid was severely threatening or hurting somebody - which the kid hasn't done yet. So I personally think that's nosy - plus, the world is full of Mod cut young adolescent boys raging with hormones. It sounds normal to me, but of course she has to take it a step further.

So, is it just me? Is she really unreasonable? Or am I just a bitter son?

Mod note: Changes in red have been made by me. PJSinger

[Bayarea4]

I'm sorry about all your problems with your mother. How old are you? You mentioned that you are "of age." Then perhaps the best solution is to get your own place or move in with roommates. As long as you live in your mother's house and expect her to support you and clean up after you, you are giving her permission to treat you like a child. So do whatever you have to do to become a functioning, independent and self-supporting adult. I had a toxic home life, too, but I left home at 18 and never looked back.

I'm guessing that your post would probably get more responses if it were posted in Non-Romantic Relationships.

[elnina]

^^^ Exactly! Are you 18 now? Move out and make your own decisions. They will be good or bad, but they will be yours and you will learn from mistakes.

BTW: I don't think your mother is crazy or unreasonable. She is just a parent, and she try to protect her family. You will learn that (and understand) when you became a parent.

What about writing a post without cursing? Not enough vocabulary?

[todd00]

Your mom has some difficult on going problems she doesn't seem to be managing well and you also have some troubles with stress and depression. It seems the situation is making ya both worse. Your mom being overprotective, well things do happen, read the paper. Young women do get abducted, the recent case in Dallas, the case in Cleveland where the women were held for 10 long years are just two examples. She maybe taking it to an extreme level with the very early curfew but I doubt she is doing it with the intent to make your life miserable.

How about trying to be more help around the house? See if that helps any. She may feel like she is overworked and under appreciated. Maybe offer to take her to dinner when you have some funds saved or buy her a little gift to show her you appreciate her making a home for you and your sister. Are either of you on meds? You mentioned counseling, is that something you do together? So you are in school now? How long before you finish? You need to be making your own plans for the future. So try to let some this roll off your back.

I think the situation is like the old song, it's a little bit you and a little bit me. You need to be more adult, help around the house, do the best you can to lend a hand. I know it can be hard with depression and anxiety, I have it too. Don't fight with her, that just makes it worse with more things said in the heat of the moment. If you want your opinion heard better to do it in a well thought out and reasonable letter. One that addresses the fact that you are of age and would appreciate being treated like a young adult rather than a child of about 13. It's all how one says things as to the reaction you get back. So choose your words carefully in letter and when speaking to her. If you assert more responsibility around the house maybe she will give you more respect and treat you like an adult. Tell her you understand she has problems too and you love her. Kindness and empathy get people much further than angry words. Good luck to ya both.

[cremebrulee]

Hi
Sorry your having these problems, but believe me, they are nothing compared to the real word out there. Don't want to make your situation sound trivial, but if you really want to know what your mom is going thru, get out there and get a job and your own place.
It isn't easy....plus raising children at the same time....

and yes, if you living there, then help her around the house, for nothing, period. There is no reason why you can't help her cook, clean, laundry, etc.

yanno, when you go thru a divorce, it is painfully like a death...and now, your faced with going forward, changing around everything about you and to boot, dealing with kids.

It ain't easy sunshine...believe me....so, if I were you, get going and help her around the home, and make certain your sister does to.

Take some initiative, and clean...and do laundry at least. If she is working full time, and raising children, she has no personal quiet time for herself to unwind. And that in itself can be so difficult and believe me, nothing she is doing is receiving the credit she deserves for trying...

You may not like what she has to say, but it is her home, and while in that home, you need to follow her rules.

Cut her a break and just do things for her. When you grow up and have your own children, believe you me, you will find out how "it ain't easy"

If you help her around the house, it may change her entire outlook....on her way home, from work, she now has to put it in high gear...so she's thinking about what to make for supper, how many loads of laundry she has to do, iron, grocery shop, run you and sibblings around....being a mother especially working full time, is not easy, nor is it rewarding.

So, get off your duff, and stop complaining and give her a much deserved hand around the home.
and I don't mean to sound authoratative, but it's just the way is should be hun....

If I were your mother, believe you me, you'd be helping out a lot!!!!!

[G-fused]

you have too much time on your hands.

[purehuman]

rosettastoned...It's good that you've graduated high school...now you just have to persevere and find a job. Once you have you can move out and get your own place...until then, you should respect your mom, help her (by not leaving her "moderate" messes) especially when you know she is under a lot of stress, and "works her ass off" to support you and your sis.....and not being upset that she cares about you a great deal...it's kinda cute the way you say she "depleted" her income by buying a laptop...isn't that HER decision to make?..it is HER money lest you forget..instead of telling her you'd fix the computer you broke, why didn't you just take it, then and there, and get it fixed?..that's what responsibility is
..hope every thing turns out good for you and your mom rosettastone, sounds to me like she genuinely cares a GREAT deal about you, and you should feel bad for "judging her constantly"... I think you should be helping her out (you and your sister) a lot more than you are..she shouldn't have to do ANY of the cleaning with you gals in the house .Just your saying you left a "moderate mess" tells me you being very immature , and your mom's argument that you are irresponsible is absolutely right.

[purehuman]

Originally Posted by G-fused

you have too much time on your hands.

Too bad she doesn't use it helping around her home.

[cheryjohns]

Originally Posted by purehuman

Too bad she doesn't use it helping around her home.

LOL - I thought that, too. Less time complaining - more time helping out.


Actually, I have an issue with the term "helping out. That sounds like I went over to my neighbor's house and vacuumed. If I did it in the house I lived in, it would be known as "doing my fair share".

OP - When you reach true adulthood, you have to have all the responsibilities, not just the privileges.

I feel bad for your mom, not you.

[nowitsshowtime]

Sounds like your mom is over protective, which isn't necessarily bad, she is just concerned. You have your own battles that also seem to be consuming you. I think she wants what is best but is stressed out about her situation, and I would try to chip in around the house more.

I find myself sort of getting in the same situation when I try to keep the house clean and my roommates start to get things dirty, I can easily lash out with "It's my house, I'll do what I want" type of mentality. If they chipped in, we would both have more respect towards each other.

You're at a chronologically tough time in your life, where your mom has to let you be responsible, you have to prove that to her, and there is that teen angst (most likely, most of us go through it). I would try to get a job and look into moving out, or going to college. That space is usually enough to recreate a bond that used to be there. Crap I sound like an old person now.
Good luck.