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Old 09-13-2013, 07:22 PM
 
18,110 posts, read 19,872,841 times
Reputation: 26532

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Quote:
Originally Posted by carnivalday View Post
A good deadline is not to do it. You havent heard from him in 15 years, only reason you've heard from him now is he needs a free place to stay. You already told him about the poor job market, only reason he's looking in Dayton is that he found a free couch to crash on; he doesnt care if he gets a job or not.

Remember, NO is a complete sentence. Much easier doing that then removing him later when you're tired of supporting him.

This^^^^^ all of it.
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Old 09-14-2013, 03:12 AM
 
Location: PORT ANGELES, WA
806 posts, read 2,022,061 times
Reputation: 770
Blame it on your lease. Just say that you would have to pay extra for him and the cat to stay and you cannot afford that.
Try to part ways with this person. Sounds like he is going to try to suck you into feeling bad for him..
I had a similar person dump his problems on me. He never took any of my real life advice. Still broke, looking for work..
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Old 09-14-2013, 09:46 AM
 
2,539 posts, read 2,908,882 times
Reputation: 2742
Definitely don't offer to let him stay with you for any length of time. He sounds more like an fair-weathered acquaintance than a long-term "true-blue" friend to you. From what I gather here, reading most of this thread and your other replies, I think you should keep him at arms' length so to speak, very distant.
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Old 09-15-2013, 06:06 PM
 
Location: "Daytonnati"
4,245 posts, read 5,965,663 times
Reputation: 2967
The deed is done.

The most recent e-mail/v-mail was for me to look at an apartment for him (sort of incrementally wrapping me into his business), since the landlort required someone to actually look at the place...etc etc. He obvioulsy didnt pay attention to my e-mail telling him to shoot me an e-mail after he gets settled in Dayton.

He left a number with his V-mail, & I called him on Friday. He told me he (but not in so many words) he wanted to stay here while looking for an apartment/job. I told him "No"". I also told him best wishes on his job hunt, but, no. And then I said 'Good Bye' and hung up. I wasn't rude. Just quite and with an even voice..a simple "Farewell", Good Bye, not GOOD BYE! (damnit). A lot of silences in that phonecall.

So now, for me, he returns to the past, to past memories of my early years here in Dayton.
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Old 09-15-2013, 06:15 PM
 
1,035 posts, read 1,644,773 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HokieFan View Post
Agree with this post.

OP, if you agree to let him (and his cat!) stay with you - do NOT take any money that can be construed as rent. Once you take rent money from him, he is considered a tenant and you would have to go through the lengthy and difficult legal process of evicting him. If he doesn't pay rent, he is considered a guest - and you can kick him out of the house and change your locks at any time.

I've also heard (and I'm sure it varies from state to state), that if someone resides and receives mail at an address, they are legally considered a resident of that address. Tread carefully - you could end up with a roomie that will take considerable time and expense to evict.

Maybe I'm coldhearted and a little cynical, but I wouldn't even consider it. The first time it's brought up, I would say "Sorry. I can't accommodate you."
This.
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Old 09-15-2013, 06:46 PM
 
3,955 posts, read 3,183,098 times
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Good deal! You did yourself the best favor that you could have. How much do you want to bet he doesnt come to Dayton now?
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Old 09-16-2013, 01:52 PM
 
15,254 posts, read 16,769,309 times
Reputation: 25416
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dayton Sux View Post
The deed is done.

The most recent e-mail/v-mail was for me to look at an apartment for him (sort of incrementally wrapping me into his business), since the landlort required someone to actually look at the place...etc etc. He obvioulsy didnt pay attention to my e-mail telling him to shoot me an e-mail after he gets settled in Dayton.

He left a number with his V-mail, & I called him on Friday. He told me he (but not in so many words) he wanted to stay here while looking for an apartment/job. I told him "No"". I also told him best wishes on his job hunt, but, no. And then I said 'Good Bye' and hung up. I wasn't rude. Just quite and with an even voice..a simple "Farewell", Good Bye, not GOOD BYE! (damnit). A lot of silences in that phonecall.

So now, for me, he returns to the past, to past memories of my early years here in Dayton.
You did great. Do not look back and do not change your mind.
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Old 09-17-2013, 06:33 AM
 
18,856 posts, read 31,604,866 times
Reputation: 26107
You did the right thing. Believe me. Sounds harsh, but sometimes you have to have personal boundaries. And you sort of knew this might be a problem...some people, you know it would be very time limited, a week or two, and out. This guy was moving in with his cat...a whole different story.

A friend of mine got in a situation like this, and basically had to get a storage unit, and move the guy's stuff out for him, and gave him the location of the homeless shelter. They stayed friends, but she told him, his time was done living with her.
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Old 09-18-2013, 06:21 AM
 
Location: "Daytonnati"
4,245 posts, read 5,965,663 times
Reputation: 2967
The way I see it this freindship was over when we lost contact with each other and he only bothered to look me up when he needed a place to stay in Dayton. That continued to **** me off and probably was the big deal-breaker here, for me.

While I wonder what he will do now I don't wonder too much about that...more thinking what I'd do if I was in his shoes. He would have been homeless in SF if he wasn't able to crash at his parents, but he has postponed that for maybe a year or two.

Back when he was talking about moving here, I did a bunch of research on local economies and employment as well as apartments, and sent it to him warning him off from Dayton as a place to look for work.

He told me that his hoped-for online medical records gig meant he wasn't place-bound, and I told him then even less of a reason to locate here.

The ironic thing is that according to the most recent figures Dayton has a shrinking economy, and the PA city closest to him, Williamsport (he was living between Corning NY and Williamsport PA), actually has a fairly healthy economy...so if he was going to look for work his best bet would have been close to his parents, where he was staying before he had his falling out! How ironic is that?
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Old 09-18-2013, 07:25 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,004 posts, read 10,005,469 times
Reputation: 19438
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dayton Sux View Post
I posted a bit on this last year.

Long story short. Old aquaintance who I hadnt heard from in 15 years or so is wanting to move back to Dayton.

He is long term unemployed (over a year I think), and was staying w. parents in backwoods PA while taking some sort of online course in medical records management/transcription, but had a falling out, and is now staying with brother & sister-in-law in NW indiana, and was trying to find work in Fort Wayne. No m

Now he emails/voicemails me that his sister-in-law has allergic reaction to his cat and is going to have to leave brothers house, and is wanting to look for work in Dayton (he is looking online).

I had communicated with him last year, when he first got in touch with me, that he should not consider looking for work in Dayton due to the poor job market, but apparently he is willing to chance this.

He hasnt come right out an asked but I suspect he wants to couch surf with me until he finds both a job and an apartment (he is looking for both).

So I am wondering what is a good deadline for this, as in "I can put you up for one month", or something like that. My big concern is that this turns into some sort of indefinite roommate thing, where I support this guy for months while he looks for work in a tight job market..
It bears repeating DS....depending on the laws in your area, allowing him to move into your apartment could make him a "legal tenant", which could make it an absolute nightmare to get out of your place. Years ago, I would have said, "Imagine yourself in his situation. What would you have others do for you?" Unfortunately, over the years, I have had to learn the hard way, not to put yourself out there for just anyone.

Good grief, this friend hasn't been in touch with you for 15 years, and he's hinting around about coming to LIVE with you? Yeah, I'd be supportive, but not put myself in a horrible situation.
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