Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Ok, not sure if this is the right Forum, but here goes.
When I was little, I had self-confidence and felt like I was "good". As I got older, life seemed to just wear me down until the point I'm at now where I feel like I'm worthless. Truly worth-less and undeserving of good things.
A couple of things happened that I can pin point:
1) My ex-husband, while we were getting divorced said to me that he was the only who would have married me. That I "tricked" him into marrying me. That wasn't true that I tricked him but I will admit that I knew I didn't really love him when we got married. I just did it because I didn't think I could do better. I was his 2nd wife and he now on his 4th wife. He left me for wife #3.
2) I've been fired from at least 3 jobs. The last one was 2 years ago and the lady manager fired me in front of the whole department.
I've been to therapists and tried to improve my self esteem or self confidence, but the older I get (I'm in my 50's) the harder it is and the worse it gets.
I have a hard time keeping good friends because I am so insecure. I actually have days where I feel completely worthless and paranoid.
Can anyone recommend a book or philosophy or anything to help?
It seems to me that you have low self-confidence for things that are outside of your control. Certainly, you can do your part in a bad relationship and in the work place but once it's over, it's time to repair and move on.
What do you like to do? Reading, writing, hiking, photography? Do more of it and find people who have similar interests. Take walks throughout the day to uplift yourself. Do something that is entirely (and selfishly) just for you.
People don't want to be around others who are insecure, because people in general are insecure. We want to be around people who can uplift us or help us improve ourselves. And sadly, I went through a time where I was very much alone, because no one wanted to be around my negativity. So I stopped. And I was alone for a long time while I was "repairing," but I'm here now in some of the closest friendships I will ever have. What I didn't realize is how much time it would take. When people think of change, they think of the future, of the end point. They don't realize the struggle to getting to that point. Be patient and kind to yourself.
Sorry, I don't know of any books that I can suggest to you, but I would be happy to message you and talk about this more.
I don't counsel anymore so I always feel weird about trying to offer strangers advice. Consider this just a fool's opinion then I can't think of any books off the top of my head that might help but I can toss in my two cents. I find the right path towards a healthy perception of your own value starts with honest answers to the right questions.
It's great that you've already started identifying things that you feel may have contributed to this sense of inadequacy or perceived lack of worth and congrats for seeing a therapist. A couple of things, you note that when you were little, this wasn't an issue. What's the earliest point you can recall when you felt like this, either more insecure or even just more aware of yourself in a critical way?
Next, why do you believe your therapy sessions haven't helped? Do you feel something was lacking in the therapy itself or do you blame yourself for the therapy not working? Was your ex husband your first husband? What was your last relationship like before your relationship with him and how long before meeting him was it?
As for the jobs, why do you think you were fired? Do you believe it was because of your behavior or performance as a result of your self esteem issues or was it something else unrelated?
I don't counsel anymore so I always feel weird about trying to offer strangers advice. Consider this just a fool's opinion then I can't think of any books off the top of my head that might help but I can toss in my two cents. I find the right path towards a healthy perception of your own value starts with honest answers to the right questions.
It's great that you've already started identifying things that you feel may have contributed to this sense of inadequacy or perceived lack of worth and congrats for seeing a therapist. A couple of things, you note that when you were little, this wasn't an issue. What's the earliest point you can recall when you felt like this, either more insecure or even just more aware of yourself in a critical way?
Next, why do you believe your therapy sessions haven't helped? Do you feel something was lacking in the therapy itself or do you blame yourself for the therapy not working? Was your ex husband your first husband? What was your last relationship like before your relationship with him and how long before meeting him was it?
As for the jobs, why do you think you were fired? Do you believe it was because of your behavior or performance as a result of your self esteem issues or was it something else unrelated?
Absolutely this! That is how I turned myself around. I asked a very difficult question about myself and a person guided me to a book that changed my life around. I wouldn't recommend this book because that question was personal and many chapters in the book did not address my question. One did, however. So it might be confusing to another person why that particular book helped me.
Some of you gave some good advice here, I believe. It sounds like you are on the path to doing soul searching, luckygirl.
Think about it this way. What have you learned from your past mistakes? When we are older and have been around the block so to speak, we have a lot of experience that others do not yet have. I would focus on what I would want to improve in myself from my past mistakes with friends, family, loved ones and work. Maybe once you have more clarity within yourself, you can move on and put the past behind you best you can. Maybe some counseling can help as well, have you tried that?
1) Yes, he was my first and only husband. I never wanted kids and at this point, I"m not even interested interested in marrying again. Before him, I had a string of bad relationships. I picked men for how they looked and not what they were like inside. And they usually were nice at first and then cheated and dumped me. My ex was the first guy that I thought was good looking and had a great personality. We dated for 5 yrs before finally marrying and I only did it because I thought it was time. I think he did it because he wanted a wife, and probably any one would do.
Every guy after him, I kept guys at arms length, never letting them get too close and yet, when it was over would be devistated. I'm my own worst enemy.
2) Therapy - I've had a lot. It takes long and the sessions are too short. I'm supposed to say what I want in 50 minutes. And sometimes they don't even talk back. And after years of therapy I can honestly say that I don't feel much different.
3) I know the jobs I was fired from were all jobs that I hated. Jobs that were boring and really dead end positions. The managers were also really bad. At least I thought so. I do think I deserved to be fired but it probably could have been done in a much more professional and respectful manner.
Absolutely this! That is how I turned myself around. I asked a very difficult question about myself and a person guided me to a book that changed my life around. I wouldn't recommend this book because that question was personal and many chapters in the book did not address my question. One did, however. So it might be confusing to another person why that particular book helped me.
It has been years so I don't remember the exact name of the book. My boss gave it to me. There have been many since then. If I find it I can share it with you, but I have to warn you that many people could not understand why that book helped me so much. It gave me a structure on how to build who I am and how to find out who other people are. My problem was boundaries. So not sure if that is the direction you want to take.
I find asking myself these questions valuable, you may as well:
What is going right in my life? (Everyone has good, even if you have to really reach and come up with things like indoor plumbing or a computer or waking up today.) I could keep going and never stop, there is just that much when you really look, but even on my busiest days I will do a minimum of 5 when I wake up and 5 as I'm going to sleep.
Is there some tiny thing that would change my perspective? We'll take the job issue... instead of I was fired in an awful, public way... try telling yourself thank goodness I don't work for that crazy nut who gets off on humiliating others any more.
What can I do for someone else today? Even if you feel you have nothing to give, you can offer a smile to someone who looks like they can use one, take the extra second to open the door for someone who is rushing or struggling with a stroller or their arms full, send a note or message just to let them know you care enough to say hi.
A few (simple) things that never fail to lift my spirits:
Spend time with a pet- if you can't have one of your own, go to a park or some place others take their dogs. Blowing bubbles for a dog, especially if there are kids in the mix, will get you laughing.
Watch videos of silly animals or whatever else amuses you.
Read a good story- it will take your mind off yourself and your problems, at least temporarily, and you'll be in a better place when you are done.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I can't think of any books off the top of my head that might help but I can toss in my two cents. I find the right path towards a healthy perception of your own value starts with honest answers to the right questions.
