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My FIL is widowed and has been seeing a woman called Beatrice for a few years. While most of the tension has been beneath the surface, my FIL and his children definitely drifted apart after he started dating Beatrice.
Now things are better, at least with my husband and his dad. So that means we also see Beatrice more often.
I can be cordial to her for short amounts of time. I'm not really clear what her ultimate intentions are with my FIL, so I think that somewhat affects how I(and others) feel about her.
Even if her intentions are perfectly honorable, I think she is expecting something within my husband's family that they aren't really wanting. She seems like she is trying to position herself into a family matriarch sort of role, giving "helpful" advice etc. Some would say she has overstepped some boundaries.
When my MIL was still alive we had our difficulties but I made an effort because she was my husband's mom. There were definitely boundary issues which would make me leery of pursuing a relationship with someone who is seeking a "motherly role". The last time I saw her I felt like she was trying to make a step forward with wanting such a role in her behavior toward me, which made me want to take a couple steps back.
Has anyone else been in this situation? Do you think there is an obligation to try to allow such a dynamic to happen?
I honestly don't believe in obligations but I accept the consequences that follow such an attitude. If you don't want that kind of relationship with her, then don't. Just be sure to reject her advances in a respectful manner. I would also avoid saying "no" just to say "no."
It is possible that you father-in-law will marry this woman. If that happens, everyone in the family will need to try to accept her for his sake. He could be sitting around lonely and miserable and expecting your husband and his siblings to entertain him. This woman is keeping him busy and interested in life. It sounds like a good thing. Also, it sounds like you didn't like advice from your husband's mother. Maybe you just don't like people butting into your life, even when they have good intentions.
It is possible that you father-in-law will marry this woman. If that happens, everyone in the family will need to try to accept her for his sake. He could be sitting around lonely and miserable and expecting your husband and his siblings to entertain him. This woman is keeping him busy and interested in life. It sounds like a good thing. Also, it sounds like you didn't like advice from your husband's mother. Maybe you just don't like people butting into your life, even when they have good intentions.
He isn't lonely, she is almost always present and the dynamic such that he doesn't appear to be allowed to do things without her at his side.
If he wants to marry her, fine. I'm just not looking for a "mother" type relationship, rather to interact with her in the same way I'd interact with my husband's sisters. I have a mom of my own. This lady had kids of her own she can mother.
I'm not a brand new bride or new mom, so not really looking for unsolicited advice. I'm not the only one who feels that way about the advice. My sisters in law who are older than I am and are far from being new moms/new brides feel the same way.
He isn't lonely, she is almost always present and the dynamic such that he doesn't appear to be allowed to do things without her at his side.
If he wants to marry her, fine. I'm just not looking for a "mother" type relationship, rather to interact with her in the same way I'd interact with my husband's sisters. I have a mom of my own. This lady had kids of her own she can mother.
I'm not a brand new bride or new mom, so not really looking for unsolicited advice. I'm not the only one who feels that way about the advice. My sisters in law who are older than I am and are far from being new moms/new brides feel the same way.
Georgianbelle's point was, without her there he COULD be lonely.
There is no reason to take offense at unsolicited advice - what a waste of energy!
Just smile and say thank you for your concern, then move on to another topic.
Georgianbelle's point was, without her there he COULD be lonely.
There is no reason to take offense at unsolicited advice - what a waste of energy!
Just smile and say thank you for your concern, then move on to another topic.
I'm not offended, just don't want that sort of relationship. I will say this though. My father isn't living anymore. He could be a difficult and very opinionated man. He was very smart also though and had genuine wisdom to give. From the minute I was married though, and especially if he was in our house he treated my husband as an equal and never attempted to offer any unsolicited advice. If he had attempted to give unsolicited advice to my husband I'm not sure it would have been well received...but that is just a guess.
Regarding the point of Georgianbelle...yes he could be lonely, not sure what that actually has to do with the situation.
My step in law was outwardly very nice, but watch your back!
If she could make trouble , she would.
I decided hello and good bye were enough
conversation for me.
It could be worse- my now-elderly father has been with a woman for 20+ years who has done everything in her power to keep my siblings and I out of their lives. And since my father is a passive man who chooses to roll over to the dominant women in his life, he has done nothing to prevent it. We are all almost estranged from each other due to this. The woman is the instigator, but I blame my father for continuing to let it go on. He likes to pretend he is the helpless victim caught in the middle. My siblings and I hope that she dies first.
It could be worse- my now-elderly father has been with a woman for 20+ years who has done everything in her power to keep my siblings and I out of their lives. And since my father is a passive man who chooses to roll over to the dominant women in his life, he has done nothing to prevent it. We are all almost estranged from each other due to this. The woman is the instigator, but I blame my father for continuing to let it go on. He likes to pretend he is the helpless victim caught in the middle. My siblings and I hope that she dies first.
It's scary what can happen. Especially when the man
"let's" the worman take charge of his life.
Good luck.
It could be worse- my now-elderly father has been with a woman for 20+ years who has done everything in her power to keep my siblings and I out of their lives. And since my father is a passive man who chooses to roll over to the dominant women in his life, he has done nothing to prevent it. We are all almost estranged from each other due to this. The woman is the instigator, but I blame my father for continuing to let it go on. He likes to pretend he is the helpless victim caught in the middle. My siblings and I hope that she dies first.
Well I feel the fact that it seems that he is not allowed to see his family without her present is her own way of attempting to play games and manipulate.
This particular factor really doesn't impact me really, but it doesn't make me crazy about spending time with both of them either. For his actual children, not being able to see him without her has caused quite a bit of difficulty.
This particular dynamic existed almost from the start of the relationship.
It seems really strange because my MIL was not like that at all. If it was something she wasn't interested in, or was more of a "male" activity, she'd happily stay home.
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