Now That's An Obituary (girlfriend, husband, holiday, dynamics)

[cheryjohns]

The most about-face I ever saw was when I worked for a company about 25 years ago. There was a higher up that was the meanest SOB alive. One morning, a co-worker was complaining about "Mr. Smith", calling him every name in the book (all deserved, BTW). We had someone poke their head in and said "Did you hear? Mr. Smith died of a stroke last night?"

That complaining co-worker immediately got a distressed look on her face and said "Oh, no! He was the nicest man!" I almost choked.

I reminded her of some of the names she had JUST called him. Call it what it is - if they were jerks in life - they are still jerks in death.

[cheryjohns]

Originally Posted by Curmudgeon

It would appear that at least one of her children is as mean-spirited as he/she said their mother was. Nothing is served by this level of viciousness no matter how deserved.

I disagree. It may have provided some sense of closure for the abused.

[Curmudgeon]

Originally Posted by cheryjohns

I disagree. It may have provided some sense of closure for the abused.

Be my guest. However, I'm not convinced that vitriolic gestures after the person has died relieve anything for long. Besides, that level of hatred is life limiting and a huge waste of emotional energy.

[Snort]

My first thought? Is this my family?

[Csiko]

I dunno, the last time someone I hated died, I didn't really feel relieved. I kinda was just... I dunno, over it?

I look at this more like a lack of tact on the kids' part. Not saying they should have lied and said good things about a terrible person. Maybe they should have just said nothing at all so this person was forgotten. Look at all the attention this person they loathed has gotten now because of their bitterness.

Seems counter-intuitive.

[CraigCreek]

I hope this obituary (or should that be o-bitter-uary??) will be a nine-days'-wonder, for the sake of the children. I wonder if they realized how much attention it would get, how many people would question their motives and doubt their truthfulness, how much gossip would result, and how these things might detract from their healing and moving on?

Whether or not their mother was as abusive as described is not the point, nor is whether or not she deserved to have something like this written about her - she is gone, her reputation will continue to be questioned - but what about the reputations of her children? They have made themselves appear spiteful, bitter, and somewhat self-aggrandizing by choosing to write such an obituary and have it published. It would have been wiser to have written it out of their systems, then buried it with their mother or ritually burned it

Claiming that they wrote this to somehow help other abused children is disingenuous. Far better to have requested contributions to charities serving abused children in memory of their mother, and to have left the rest unsaid - except on the therapist's couch.

[AZDesertBrat]

Originally Posted by CraigCreek

I hope this obituary (or should that be o-bitter-uary??) will be a nine-days'-wonder, for the sake of the children. I wonder if they realized how much attention it would get, how many people would question their motives and doubt their truthfulness, how much gossip would result, and how these things might detract from their healing and moving on?

Whether or not their mother was as abusive as described is not the point, nor is whether or not she deserved to have something like this written about her - she is gone, her reputation will continue to be questioned - but what about the reputations of her children? They have made themselves appear spiteful, bitter, and somewhat self-aggrandizing by choosing to write such an obituary and have it published. It would have been wiser to have written it out of their systems, then buried it with their mother or ritually burned it

Claiming that they wrote this to somehow help other abused children is disingenuous. Far better to have requested contributions to charities serving abused children in memory of their mother, and to have left the rest unsaid - except on the therapist's couch.

I'm surprised that the newspaper even consented to publish it. My ex sister in law works at our town's newspaper and she says they would never publish something like that.

[purehuman]

Originally Posted by cpg35223

My wife had an uncle like this. This guy was a total slimeball, one who would expose himself to underage female family members and molested both his daughters. In my family, the menfolk would have gone all 19th Century on the guy out back, but her family would actually talk to him at family get togethers. And now that he's gone, you'd think the guy had been a total saint. Go figure. I don't typically heap abuse on the dead, but I'm not going to lie about my feelings either.

I agree....she was what she was...do people think the family should have lied and made something (sickly) sweet, and untrue to say?....she deserved nothing more than what she got for her obit...the truth.

[purehuman]

Originally Posted by Curmudgeon

It would appear that at least one of her children is as mean-spirited as he/she said their mother was. Nothing is served by this level of viciousness no matter how deserved.

Why is it "viciousness" when it's the truth....but it's ok when it's a lie?..the womans dead...she'll never know, and if she did guaranteed she wouldn't care. Why should the family pretend she was something she wasn't? Why does being dead absolve one of all the hurt and damage they've caused while they lived?

[timberline742]

It doesn't, but there is nothing to be gained by this. She is gone. Let it go. There is also no such thing as "closure" in relationships, you just move on one step at a time.