Parental Pressures, Not Allowed to be Myself

[Tinawina]

Get away from your family. Make getting a job and an apartment a priority. As long as you live with them, they will continue to work on your self esteem. You need some distance.

It doesn't matter how old you are when you have a baby ( why 28? Odd) as long as you are financially stable and in a stable relationship with a responsible person when it happens. Since you know you want kids, maybe you can use that as your motivator? The faster you get out into the world on your own, the faster you'll begin to figure out who YOU are without all the negative chatter and be ready for a real relationship of the type that is worthy of children.

Anyway, people have no control over what family they are born into. But at some point, we all need to take whatever positives we've gotten from those that raised us, ditch the negatives, and go off and make our own lives. Your turn kiddo. Move on to the next phase of adulthood.

[StarryMcNight]

No, we are not Asian. We are 100% Caucasian. Although, my mom does comment on how she appreciates the way Asians raise their kids, haha.

[StarryMcNight]

I am considering going for a teaching certificate, yes. However, my BF and I moving to another state, so I'm waiting to get it in that state.

[Dayton Sux]

Agree with the others....

1) job first...keep looking....and considering the situation it's good that you are moving to another state to put some distance btw you & negative family.

2) child AFTER marriage and job. Totally not-responsible (& lets "dad" off the hook) if you become an unwed mother. Just..no.

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by StarryMcNight

This may be slightly long...

I have always been somewhat of a shy, quiet, odd duck. I am smart academically, and have always done well at my jobs. I just happen to have outside interests that are slightly outside the mainstream, such as anime, black clothes, emo music, etc. I also have always struggled to make close friends.

But that's beside the point. Since I was little, I was pushed and pounded to "go to university." I have never been good at or interested in math or science, but I do love languages, writing, and art history. Basically, I was destined to pick a major that was not as practical as it could be, if I did end up going to university.

My mother has always had negative things to say about every female friend I have ever had. In middle school, my main friends were a pair a girls who loved rock music, skater boys, and going to concerts. They didn't do drugs and they didn't mess around with boys, they just loved music and the alternative rock culture. My mom couldn't stand them, especially one of them, who she predicted would end up "a druggie and unwed mother." Although that girl never got into drugs (as far as I know), she did end up getting pregant- on purpose- at age 20 with her steady boyfriend. I found out of FB, and, shocked at how much my old friend had grown up, I told my mom later on at dinner. She responded by tsk tsking and saying, "That girl was always slutty, and now she's an unwed young mother, and the baby will suffer."

In high school, I befriended a girl who was not all that bright, but still very kind. Mom actually really liked her for the most part, but warned me that she was not smart enough to go to college, and would thus be encouraged by her parents to latch onto a man.

Anyway, I went to college at a university far from home, but had a panic attack due to loneliness and came back home. While I took a semester off, my parents and younger brother (yes, even my brother) shamed me, and called me a failure just because it looked like I wasn't going to get "a college degree." I even got texts from my brother when I was out with a boyfriend that said, "You idiot. Not finishing school. Don't get pregnant."

So, I went back to a local university and finished my Bachelor's degree in Child Psychology with a high GPA, over a 3.5. However, I have since struggled to find a job that will allow me to pay my bills. Now I am belittled by parents AND brother for not having a good job. I majored in what interested me, and while working with children during my degree, I fell in love with them and wanted to become a mother myself. My mom shuns the idea. She said, "Young mothers are miserable, and only have babies because they are not smart enough to do or think about anything else." She bashed one of my boyfriend's sisters, who got pregnant at 20 with her steady boyfriend, and said, "I guarantee you the baby will suffer. Please don't be like that, Starry. Don't shame the family by getting pregnant before 28."

I'm just frustrated. She told me to go to college and get ANY degree, because only losers don't finish college, and now that I did get a degree that won't get me a decent job, she and my brother laugh at me! Not only that, she constantly warns me to not get pregnant before I'm almost 30 with my boyfriend, because it'll be shameful and she didn't raise me to be like trailer trash.

I'm just so frustrated. I can't win with her. I almost wish we weren't a rich family, and just middle class.

Of course, she also bashes my style of dress, my love for anime, and says that Hot Topic is nothing but a store full of trash.

Any suggestions on how to deal with my family?

You know what? Once you hit 21, it's your life. Take possession of it.

And your degree is not the limiting factor in your life. If you aren't managing to deal with your mother at age 30, then the limiting factor in your life is your assertiveness. Take it from someone who majored in English. By the time I hit 30, I was doing pretty well in my professional life.

In short, the first time your mother made you feel bad about yourself in your adult life, it was her fault. Every time after that, it was your fault because you allowed it to continue.

I suggest distance. Not push her out of your life entirely. Just remain conveniently busy in your work and your personal life. Commit to nurturing your career, whatever that is. Just choose a direction and bend your energies towards it. Network your ass off. Take a second look at your business wardrobe and revise accordingly. You'll be amazed what happens.