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Old 09-19-2013, 12:27 AM
 
5 posts, read 6,716 times
Reputation: 20

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Hello,

I'm here because I can't seem to let go of a friendship that has been over for 2 years now. My ex bestfriend of 20 years and I had a falling out. She lost her mother to cancer and really changed after the loss. Even though the last year of our friendship (before the fall out) we had been growing apart. I had just met my now husband at that time and I think she was jealous of how well things started to go for me. She was married and was cheated on her husband. I told her I didn't agree with what she was doing and thats what started the fall out. She said a bunch of ugly things to me and I said some things back. After a few weeks I tried to call/text her. She didn't return my calls and then changed her number. So I contacted her on facebook and she told me to go to hell and that we would never be friends again.

I know she made it clear she doesn't want to be friends but I can't seem to move on. I miss her terribly and have dreams about our friendship on a weekly basis. I told my husband maybe I need therapy..she was my closest friend for over 20 years. I should be happy, I have a wonderful husband that I just married two weeks ago, a few good friends, a great family and job I like. But I still feel like my life isn't full without her friendship. I have been tempted to go to her home and knock on her door, and I know its a bad idea. I should just save my dignity and let it go. Why can't I?
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Old 09-19-2013, 12:45 AM
 
Location: California
130 posts, read 128,766 times
Reputation: 225
She meant a lot to you for a long time and it ended badly and it sounds like quickly. You didn't get closure. She was going through many changes in her life with the loss of her mother, people act out of character during periods of grief. It doesn't excuse her for cheating, I'm sure she knew it was wrong, but she probably felt ashamed and especially because you her best friend, someone she cared about and wanted to think well of her let her know that you didn't approve. I think that has a lot to do with it, she's ashamed of her behavior and you know her secrets.

You are having a hard time, because although she's hurt you, she was someone you loved and was in your life for many years. You're grieving the death of your friendship and it's especially hard, because she's still there and you have hope you can be friends again. Good Luck.
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Old 09-19-2013, 01:13 AM
 
5 posts, read 6,716 times
Reputation: 20
I'm sorry I neglected to say she was cheating for years, not just after her mother died. I didn't think I would feel so sad about this after this much time has passed.
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Old 09-19-2013, 01:15 AM
 
Location: interior Alaska
4,475 posts, read 3,313,911 times
Reputation: 13767
If she was your closest friend for two decades plus, this is one of the major relationships of your life. It's natural to feel the loss deeply. Maybe the two of you have grown apart so much that you can't still be close, or even be friends at all, or maybe she's got too much negativity for it. Maybe even if the friendship could be rekindled it would bring too much negativity to your life. But on the other hand, a lot can change over two years, too, and it sounds like that was a hard time in her life, which may bring out behaviors that people later regret.

Electronic communications lack gravity, and phone calls can be awkward and pressuring, triply so for face-to-face. Maybe consider sending a card or a letter expressing briefly but clearly your many good memories of your friendship, and that you regret having fallen out. Then if she wants to reconnect, the door is open, and if she doesn't, at least you've closed things on a less hostile note.

But before you do, ask yourself what you are really looking for, and what you want out of it. And I think it would be unrealistic to expect to be the friends you were before. But you may be able to have a new friendship, or at least a friendly disposition toward one another. Or...you may just kick off a new round of problems. So reflect first.
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Old 09-19-2013, 01:19 AM
 
5 posts, read 6,716 times
Reputation: 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by Frostnip View Post
If she was your closest friend for two decades plus, this is one of the major relationships of your life. It's natural to feel the loss deeply. Maybe the two of you have grown apart so much that you can't still be close, or even be friends at all, or maybe she's got too much negativity for it. Maybe even if the friendship could be rekindled it would bring too much negativity to your life. But on the other hand, a lot can change over two years, too, and it sounds like that was a hard time in her life, which may bring out behaviors that people later regret.

Electronic communications lack gravity, and phone calls can be awkward and pressuring, triply so for face-to-face. Maybe consider sending a card or a letter expressing briefly but clearly your many good memories of your friendship, and that you regret having fallen out. Then if she wants to reconnect, the door is open, and if she doesn't, at least you've closed things on a less hostile note.

But before you do, ask yourself what you are really looking for, and what you want out of it. And I think it would be unrealistic to expect to be the friends you were before. But you may be able to have a new friendship, or at least a friendly disposition toward one another. Or...you may just kick off a new round of problems. So reflect first.

You bring up some great points. I did send her an email about a month ago but she didn't respond. I found out threw a mutual acquaintance that someone sent her husband an email telling him she was cheating. She blames me, but I wouldn't do that. But if she actually believes that there is no way she would respond. She had some wonderful qualities as my friend for all those years but she also has some issues. One of those issues is never being able to take blame or accountability for things. She seemed to think she was untouchable. That was always a hard quality to put up with.
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Old 09-19-2013, 06:24 AM
 
Location: New Jersey
1,823 posts, read 2,398,178 times
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I went through a similar thing with my best friend. I still think about her a lot & have dreams about seeing her.
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Old 09-19-2013, 10:27 AM
 
Location: Finally escaped The People's Republic of California
11,119 posts, read 7,565,867 times
Reputation: 6217
She's afraid of you because you know all the skeletons in her closet, so she tries to keep you away....
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Old 09-19-2013, 10:35 AM
 
Location: California
4,552 posts, read 5,466,666 times
Reputation: 9608
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cali BassMan View Post
She's afraid of you because you know all the skeletons in her closet, so she tries to keep you away....
I totally agree!

Quality of friendships is important so if she would be a long time cheater in her marriage, would it really surprise you that she would also have less regard for your feelings? A person's character goes across all their relationships so in short, a cheater will cheat in other areas of their life besides marriage. I'm probably not saying that as well as it could be said, but, I hope you understand.

i suspect you are greaving the friendship you wish you had instead of the one you did have. Please, allow a new friend in who is worthy of your time and trust.
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Old 09-19-2013, 12:25 PM
 
Location: So. Calif
8 posts, read 20,173 times
Reputation: 16
Hi, I also lost a friend I had for 30 years, she actually made up a story that I said something about her MOM, who I love, and wanted nothing to do with me.
I knew she was off her meds., she was God Mother to my kids, knew my background, and all the deaths I had to grieve over.
I had to handle it like a death of a loved one. Its taken 2 years, but it sounds like you will have to for, a while at least.
The death of a Mother has profound affects on many people different ways. I know of 3 people personally that just cut themselves out of everyone's life. 2 came back.
So, my thoughts, are to let her be. If she comes back, great!! Otherwise, find a new friend. I know that sounds harsh, and truly I do not mean it to be...I understand you're pain. Dealt with it...
If you pray do so, I really do feel for you, it really hurts, and there is nothing you can do right now.
~jewelz
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Old 09-19-2013, 12:36 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 88,507,295 times
Reputation: 39856
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenelle33 View Post
Hello,

I'm here because I can't seem to let go of a friendship that has been over for 2 years now. My ex bestfriend of 20 years and I had a falling out. She lost her mother to cancer and really changed after the loss. Even though the last year of our friendship (before the fall out) we had been growing apart. I had just met my now husband at that time and I think she was jealous of how well things started to go for me. She was married and was cheated on her husband. I told her I didn't agree with what she was doing and thats what started the fall out. She said a bunch of ugly things to me and I said some things back. After a few weeks I tried to call/text her. She didn't return my calls and then changed her number. So I contacted her on facebook and she told me to go to hell and that we would never be friends again.

I know she made it clear she doesn't want to be friends but I can't seem to move on. I miss her terribly and have dreams about our friendship on a weekly basis. I told my husband maybe I need therapy..she was my closest friend for over 20 years. I should be happy, I have a wonderful husband that I just married two weeks ago, a few good friends, a great family and job I like. But I still feel like my life isn't full without her friendship. I have been tempted to go to her home and knock on her door, and I know its a bad idea. I should just save my dignity and let it go. Why can't I?

Bottom line?

You have your ego all tied up in this.

What she basically did was reject you.

And rejection hurts, no matter how twisted it can be sometimes.

Of course you "miss" her etc. - 20 years with someone is a long time.

But at the end of the day, she is the one who behaved badly. She is the one who had some major issues going on in her life. She is the one who choose to focus all her anger on you instead of where it really belonged.

It's time for you to see her for who she really is, not the glorified version of her your old memories want her to still be.

Then you have to acknowledge the rejection, the injustice of it, the absurdity of it and let it go.

Quit making the mistake of ruminating over this at this crucial time in your life. You should be focused on your new marriage and moving forward, NOT looking back
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