Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I agree with the others that what he is doing is completely wrong and the behavior needs to be stopped before he turns to worse activities.
However I wonder, has anyone tried sitting down and going over his finances with him? If he keeps having "emergencies" that simply indicates that he doesn't have enough money coming in to cover what is going out. The question then is why. Maybe someone can show he ways he can have SOME of the extras he wants within the budget he has and help him decide which to cut out. If he then needs more money each month it is up to your mother if she chooses to fund them, once she sees how he is spending his money I'll bet she tells him "no way" and locks up her cards...especially if he is spending the money for fun things and leaving her without money for groceries (and possibly putting her in serious danger of getting stranded somewhere).
I say he gets one chance to straighten out and if he keeps it up then call the cops (and be prepared to have the locks changed so he can't try to come back in and take bigger things to sell to get revenge).
I
However I wonder, has anyone tried sitting down and going over his finances with him? If he keeps having "emergencies" that simply indicates that he doesn't have enough money coming in to cover what is going out.
I'm flummoxed at how you would set up a budget with a man who has no income.
Though I agree they need to sit down with him and explain how financial planning works. Perhaps they have not been clear enough about this in the past.
Also, perhaps a police officer could explain to him the legal process. That might be enlightening as well. Credit card companies take a dim view of those who run up charges on other people's cards.
Would you allow anyone else to do what he is doing? No.
So how would you stop it??
^^^This. If it were my money, I would report him to the police. If the behavior continued, I would stop paying for anything of his and demand that he either pay rent or GTFO. When I was in college, I went to school full time, worked full time, and managed to have a decent social life. (Aah, to be young again!) He's just being lazy. He's an adult, and if he chooses to resort to "sketchy activities to make money," then that is his choice and he needs to deal with the consequences of it. Stop letting him leach off of you and force him to become a grown-up. He'll either become a better person for it, or he never had that much character to begin with. Either way, at least he won't be robbing you blind.
So even though he's been told to keep out of their purses and he promises he won't do it again, he continues to do it. And this is because he sees it as "sharing?"
Get real.
Taking things after others have told you to keep your mitts off is stealing.
You might be able to pull this "sharing" business off when you are five or so, but not when you're twenty.
The reason 20 y/o lazy fools don't grow up to be 30 y/o lazy fools is that their family teaches them to behave.
If they don't, the world will.
By the way, swiping money from your Mom is out of the norm. Many of my friends have or have had 20 y/o sons. None of them report their sons rifling their purses for spending money. My son would no more fool around with my purse than he would pickpocket his Dad. If he needs money, he can ask for it.
And I cannot think of one woman I've ever known who thought it was okay for her brother to swipe things from her purse.
I didn't mean to say taking money from a family member's (or anyone's) purse was normal or OK. And I guess I was feeling a bit generous when I wrote my first post, and perhaps some of it was a reaction to all those that said thigns like throw him in jail and that he's a good for nothing. People stray and sometimes do bad things, especially at a young age. It shouldn't define them forever.
No, it's not normal and it's absolutely not OK. I was wayward at 20 and it was partly because I didn't feel connected to my family so thought I'd throw that out there as a possible reason. And if there is a deeper reason to his actions, then understanding those reasons will help with a solution. Like I said, I don't know the situation or the people well enough to say if they should take a hard line, soft line, talk to him, or involve the law.
My thought is that trying to fix someone's bad decisions by hammering them into submission usually doesn't have the effect they want. The hammering needs to be combined with understanding, guidance, and help. I can be super angry and fight with my wife, son, mother, brother, etc. but even when I am and I am showing it, they still know I'm on their side. If, when my kid is 20, he stole from me - it would be the last time he stole from me. My wife would probably get at him first actually. But, he would know that we are on his side.
G-fused, you must've never have dealt with an entitled family member. The whole thinking of "it shouldn't define them forever" is essentially the basis of the enabling behavior.
There is a problem within the family. The boy already been told multiple times not to steal over the year. The boy knows that his family is on his side... if anything, they been too "understanding", "loving". And guess what? It's not working because he still does it. And now his mother wants to pay him because she thinks it'll stop the behavior and the OP already said it won't work because once the brother runs out of his funds, he'll just revert back to his behavior.
You don't seem to get it but you'd delude yourself that if your boy ever steal from you that it'd be the last-- your two posts shows a disconnect in your thinking. You just equalized doing the right thing to "submission". You can sit there and think the whole jail thing is harsh, but get this... there are families that frown on thievery (or "sharing" and the funny thing, that's how criminals like to think of it). There is nothing loving about stealing from your own family. And the brother needs to learn that, even if it's the hard way.
And now his mother wants to pay him because she thinks it'll stop the behavior and the OP already said it won't work because once the brother runs out of his funds, he'll just revert back to his behavior.
And that's extortion. Which, I'm pretty sure, is also illegal.
I can see how he could get this way. I used to ask my mom for money (not when I was 19... but like 15) and she would say take $10 from my wallet. She says that enough times and you get to thinking you can do it without asking.
He should get a job. 2 nights a week delivering pizza will go a long way for someone who has everything else paid for.
I had a hard time being responsible with money because my parents never really set me straight . For example, when I was 19 and worked full time, living at their home, I think they should have collected rent. But they didn't, so I spent it all on stupid stuff. I made plenty to live on my own but instead had no concept of what things like rent cost.
OP - Maybe you should find a place of your own. I am saying this as someone who was living on my own in my twenties (by 19) and left a dysfunctional household to do so.
Also, scholarship or not perhaps your brother needs to leave college, get a job, get his own place, and find out what it is like to be a responsible person who pays his own way. Would his scholarship be revoked if he were arrested for stealing? Something for him to ponder.
I don't expect him to work full time or anything but I really don't think it's unreasonable for him to work even 10 hrs a week so that he can at least pay for the bus, food, and his frikkin iphone bill I dont even have an iphone.
When i was in college, sometimes I would work close to 40 hours. Granted, my grades suffered a bit but I still managed a 3.3 GPA. I don't expect him to do half of that.
Why? Why don't you expect him to be able to do half of what you did? What makes him so special?
I really don't understand why you lower the standards for this adult man. He is acting more like a young teen. It is embarrassing for him to be behaving like that. Mom is enabling but so are you, and saying you have low expectations of him, maybe he is being passive aggressive as well as lazy and entitled because no one really expects much of him anyway.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I dont even have an iphone. 
