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I didn't read this entire thread but would ask this "mute" relative if he/she would like to join the family for the holiday dinner. This gives them a chance to refuse. A way out. If they do come to dinner, I would politely greet them, then leave them alone.
Yes, it could be a medical/psychological problem. Would you want your family to not invite you if you had a medical problem?
If he is being rude or disrespectful that is one thing, however, if he is just silent but listens to other conversations (even if he is sitting on the sidelines) that is something totally different. I say invite him.
PS I also have a cousin who rarely speaks. Sometimes it is only "Hello, Thank you and Goodbye" (or even less) during an entire afternoon or evening but he loves to be invited places and is a really sweet person, just very, very, very shy and quiet. He would be devastated if he wasn't invited someplace just because he can't carry on a great conversation. He is a great listener.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustinCaseIII
How do you know he wants to be invited? How can you tell?
My cousin would appear to be happy when he arrived at places, or when we came to his house, he would smile and say "Hello" and often shake your hand. He would smile and listen to conversations and softly laugh at jokes. Sometimes, he would give one word answers to questions. My cousin would appear to look sad/disappointed when it was time to leave. His parents or siblings would tell us later that he told them how much he enjoyed being at the party/celebration or how much he enjoyed having visitors come to his house.
Sometimes my cousin wasn't invited to some party or activity because of his odd, quiet behavior. he will tell his parents or siblings how hurt he felt about it. He was still pretty quiet around his immediate family but talked a lot more to them at home than he did at parties to other people.
A side point
His father only spoke German and my father only spoke English, since their wives (our mothers) were sisters we spent a lot of holidays together. Now our fathers had limited conversations with each other due to the language barrier but it was pretty obvious that they enjoyed each others company even though both of them spoke very little to each other and sometimes just quietly smiled at each other. Should we exclude their dad because he didn't speak English or should they exclude my dad because he didn't speak German? Of course, not. That is the same way that I would feel about a very quiet guest. Unless he is not talking due to being rude and giving you mean and insulting looks what is the big deal? After all there will be a lot of other people to talk to at Thanksgiving.
I find it rude when someone tries to make the man part of the family and ask him some innocent questions he looks right at him or her and does not respond. I can understand a brief response that says I am not much of a talker but to not say a word to a direct question or comment, that is rude!
I think some people here may have missed this. ^^^^
This guy isn't just being quiet......he literally ignores people even when they ask him a direct question.
Imagine how you would feel if you greeted someone....."How ya doin?"......and all you get in return is a blank stare? Especially at a family function.
This.....from a man who has friends and works in an office.
Do you honestly think when his friends or co-workers ask him a direct question he responds with a blank stare?
He is perfectly capable of at least being civil......and he chooses not to.
He is being rude..... making everyone around him uncomfortable.....and should be called on it. IMO
In my book you would be the rude one by not inviting them. Pretty a hole thing to do to family or friend. To think that he's being rude to you because he isn't talkative is ridiculous.
Man, what a hurtful thing to do. I can't imagine anyone I know not inviting a family member to a family holiday party, really hurtful dude.
I wish I could get into his head and understand where he is coming from. I thought about asking him over and over why he does not speak to anyone but thought that might end poorly.
I would:
1. Not worry about psycho-analyzing people you only have to see once a year for a brief family event like Thanksgiving. We all have weird relatives. A guy who doesn't talk is much less offensive than the uncle who gets drunk and puts the move on his cousin's wives. Learning to live and let live is an important life skill. No one is asking you to be best friends or roommates with the guy. Sharing a few slices of turkey once a year? Not a big deal. You're telling me church groups can go share a meal of sandwiches under bridges with homeless guys, or spend their Thanksgivings dishing up food at a shelter and be nice about it, and you can't just overlook a guy who doesn't say anything? Perspective.
2. Try to have some sympathy for people who have clear issues. Maybe he has a speech impediment, debilitating shyness, no social skills, some sort of issue like Aspergers, or who knows what. It's easy to say, "Well, he could just say something," when you've never walked a mile in their shoes.
3. Ask yourself what benefit you REALLY get from not inviting the guy versus just ignoring him for a few hours once a year. Maybe you get to feel smug in "teaching him a lesson" but then is that really worth the potential risk you're wrong, that clearly the guy and his wife on some level wanted to be there every year (or they wouldn't be) and your desire to prove a point excluded him from a family gathering? Try to be compassionate. Think of it as your good deed for the day.
I wish I could get into his head and understand where he is coming from. I thought about asking him over and over why he does not speak to anyone but thought that might end poorly.
You're upset and yet you've never taken the time to ask him about this issue? That seems cowardly to me.
It's your house and you can invite or not invite anyone you want.
Consider that perhaps he's a pure introvert. Being an introvert is NOT thee same as being shy. I'm a non-shy introvert. I have very little need for what seems like useless conversation so I don't engage. Generally speaking, real introverts will only join in conversations if they feel they have something worthwhile to add or if they have some interest in the topic. If no interest, then silence.
I'm the same way at times. I know it "disturbs" other people but that's not the intent.
The crazy thing is that some introverts actually like being in the heart of the action and they will go to family events and parties. They like being around people and taking in that energy. They just don't want to talk. Rather, they just want to experience.
In my book you would be the rude one by not inviting them. Pretty a hole thing to do to family or friend. To think that he's being rude to you because he isn't talkative is ridiculous.
Man, what a hurtful thing to do. I can't imagine anyone I know not inviting a family member to a family holiday party, really hurtful dude.
You misunderstand my many clarifications to my original post. He refuses to respond and just stares at anyone who tries to ask a question or get him involved in the conversation. He is rude, not shy or quiet.
Another relative asked once if he was enjoying himself and wanted to come to Christmas and he just stared at her.
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