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Why are you contacting him? Why would he contact you? Most kids that age don't want to spend much time with their parents, and even less time with an aunt and uncle.
Yes. he's rude. But most college students are rude by the measurement of their elders. I used to teach undergrads and I can tell you that as a group they are self-centered, sleep deprived and nodding off at the drop of a hat, poor at planning, and don't think much further ahead than next weekend's parties. Looking back, I'm sure I was like that when I was in college. If your sister doesn't consider your lack of communication with him a breach of your duties as his "local family," why would you worry about it? She apparently talks to him and isn't worried. If they need you, I'm sure they'll get in touch. And if you repeatedly reprimand him for poor social correspondence (even if you're doing it in the nicest possible way), I suspect his visits to you will diminish in the future. It doesn't mean he doesn't like you and twenty years from now he'll remember you fondly as the uncle who gave him a hand when he was in a strange place.
My sister lives 2000 miles away and sent her son to the East Coast to college 70 miles from us. My wife and I were designated as his local family. We try to stay in touch and provide him support but this academic year he does not return our emails or phone messages in a timely manner. (We give him two weeks, after that period we consider it rude to not return our message.)
My sister thinks we are expecting too much from her son, he is only 20 and at that age not returning emails and phone messages right away is not considered rude. She says he is overwhelmed by school and social pressures from his peers. She says we should just communicate with him on his schedule. But he sent me an email and I did not respond in for three weeks wouldn't that be rude?
When we talk to him he is very friendly and he stays at our home weekends two or three times a semester. I asked him why he is slow at returning phone calls or emails and he plays dumb.
How long should we have to wait for our 20 year old nephew to return our phone calls or emails?
Why are you trying to stay in touch? He knows how to get in touch with you if he needs you, thats what I would consider being his "local family". Just being there if he needs some help with something. Not to be pestering him all the time. He's not your newly adopted son. Stop bugging the kid. He's got enough to do.
My sister lives 2000 miles away and sent her son to the East Coast to college 70 miles from us. My wife and I were designated as his local family. We try to stay in touch and provide him support but this academic year he does not return our emails or phone messages in a timely manner. (We give him two weeks, after that period we consider it rude to not return our message.)
My sister thinks we are expecting too much from her son, he is only 20 and at that age not returning emails and phone messages right away is not considered rude. She says he is overwhelmed by school and social pressures from his peers. She says we should just communicate with him on his schedule. But he sent me an email and I did not respond in for three weeks wouldn't that be rude?
When we talk to him he is very friendly and he stays at our home weekends two or three times a semester. I asked him why he is slow at returning phone calls or emails and he plays dumb.
How long should we have to wait for our 20 year old nephew to return our phone calls or emails?
I assume you mean "emergency contact"?
You also don't mention the frequency you email or call.
Let him make arrangements to stay elsewhere when he needs to. That's what "independent grown ups" do.
And let his mother manage his accommodations if he needs "help". Does he live on campus? When the semester is over and he's not permitted to stay on campus - sorry about it. Fly home, get a hotel or stay with your college buddies.
He will not get "closer" to you. He's not that type of kid and your relationship is not bonded as such, and your kindness is just an "entitlement" in their eyes.
You did a nice thing, but let them live however they want. It's not personal, some people ARE just rude and self absorbed. Even to their own parents. Your sister will figure this out as time goes by. Yes they get busy or party or whatever. You are not a priority, until they need something
I would NEVER have allowed my kid to go 2000 miles away if he were subject to being overwhelmed by school and "peer pressure" blah blah blah. There is more going on here than him just being rude. Probably he's hung over daily and/or couldn't care less! You can see this because you said "playing dumb" instead of offering up an apology or expression of gratitude at least.
Last edited by runswithscissors; 10-18-2013 at 06:22 AM..
Some real interesting responses so far. The general consensus is I should leave him alone and only talk to him if he makes an effort to talk to me. Other people think that my wife and I are pestering him. Interesting.
Yes, I remember how it was like to be 20 years old. I thought I could be rude to family and scream and yell at them and ignore their comments and questions because they were stuck with me. They could not dump me because I WAS FAMILY.
Actually we don't expect him to communicate with him all that often but do expect him to follow up and reply when we do communicate (about once a month). Why:
1) Good manners. In the adult world if someone talks to you, you talk back.
2) He expects a lot from us. When he comes to our house to stay on weekends he expects we spend our money for his food, entertainment and travel expenses. We have gone on a number of trips with him all over the local area and paid all his expenses.
3) We have been called and expected to drive down to his college and do all kinds of favors for him, like helping him move his things to storage and other activities.
4) I dropped everything to help him when he needed to set up meetings with business people I know for a project he is working on for a class.
People said we were likely not close. Not true, we know each other very well.
My wife and I help him, and provide him financial and emotional support, is it too much to ask for him to respond to our OCCASIONAL texts, emails and phone messages in a timely manner?
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustinCaseIII
Why are you contacting him? Why would he contact you? Most kids that age don't want to spend much time with their parents, and even less time with an aunt and uncle.
Do you actually know this kid? Given that you refer to him as your "sister's son" and not your nephew, I'll guess you didn't have much of a relationship with him before he went away to college. Speaking from experience, it was odd going halfway across the country to college where my extended family was and having people who I had seen maybe once a year for a few hours (and only with my parents - so most of the time, the kids were not involved in conversations) expect 18 year old me to call them and make plans. My mom reported a few complaints when I didn't immediate return voice mails and when I got the chance to, I'd often email. In college, my only free time was after 10. I didn't think most of my older relatives would appreciate a phone call at midnight when I got out of my student union meeting!
College is a busy time. Hanging out with relatives that you barely know falls under classes, homework, extracurriculars, social life, part time job and sleep. Most college boys are lucky to talk to their own parents once every other week. I only talked to my mom once or twice a week and my dad and brother MAYBE once a month.
I am going to buck the trend here & stand up for the original poster. ESPECIALLY seeing (I just read the follow-up) as how the aunt provides financial support--oh yes, the youngster is being a jerk. He's being a jerk even if the aunt/uncle don't, but being that they are, it goes double/triple--he's being a jerk. That people don't see that, frankly, is disgusting to me. If that is where our society is headed, then shame on everyone who is that way.
Frankly, I'd leave a message saying "if you don't return this phone call within 48 hours, the money stops. Stop being self-centered and pick up a phone, with all the money we give you we know you can afford one." If it makes him mad--GOOD! You got his attention the only way you know how.
Quote:
Originally Posted by I'm Retired Now
1) Good manners. In the adult world if someone talks to you, you talk back.
Exactly, and I will follow-up on that in a minute.
I understand that the youngster is 20 & experiencing new-found freedom, I remember well that when I went to college I hardly ever went home during the weekend even though home was 30 minutes away. I was "soaked in" to what was happening around me. That's the most understandable thing in the world when you are now on your own for the first time ever. You are totally preoccupied with that, and that's fine in & of itself.
However, to me, it is an EXTREMELY RUDE thing for people not to return phone calls or such in a timely manner. Period. I don't care if you're the president of Exxon, someone who has a relationship with you calls, RETURN THE FREAKING CALL. Stop being a self-centered jerk. This notion I hear that "expecting someone to call you back when they don't want to is self-centered" is a bunch of horse bologna. The reverse is true--not calling someone back, THAT is the self-centered thing to do. When you have relationships with other people, returning a phone call, especially when a reasonable time frame has been given (the aunt says she considers it rude if it's been more than 2 weeks), is just what you should do whether you like it or not. Being an adult, as this 20 year old is proudly trumpeting he is I am sure (again, I remember being 20), means you CALL PEOPLE BACK who are calling you, especially family, and ESPECIALLY an aunt/uncle who are financially helping you when you aren't even their child. They're extending themselves to you as family, GROW UP and SHUT UP with the nonsense that you're too "busy" to call back. Horse manure. You're just being a prick, that's all. To blow a caller off is rude, I DON'T CARE what anyone else says, it's just plain rude plain & simple.
On top of that, the aunt has made herself available as family to be sort of a "lookout" of sorts for the youngster since his parents are far away. That obligates him to check in every now & then whether he likes it or not. ESPECIALLY given the financial & emotional support and that the aunt isn't being "helicopter" she is only expecting occasional once-a-month "keep in touch" communicating, he is entitled to show his aunt a little respect & decency, and if I were his aunt, I'd pull my money out if he doesn't straighten out. I'd tell him "when you're paying for all of that yourself, you can act this way, but as long as I'm paying for it, you will show some decency & respect or get a full-time job & pay for it all yourself." They could hate me all day long for it, I could give a rip. Show some freaking respect.
I sound like a grumpy old man & maybe I am, but it's telling what I've noticed watching older movies, if someone doesn't return calls the person on the receiving end in those older movies will absolutely GRILL the other person "you don't know how to pick up a phone?" Given that in those older movies cell phones didn't exist or weren't common (I'm referring to movies around 1989-1992) yet people would manage to call from a workphone or payphone etc, how much more capable is one of calling now when everyone has a cellular phone? This is a degrading of etiquette as far as I'm concerned, and I don't approve of it, If that makes me a "back in the day" luddite, then so be it.
The texting thing, okay I somewhat get that, heck I communicate via text frequently as well. I'm too cheap to upgrade to unlimited minutes, instead rationing out 300 minutes all month long (that's 10 minutes a day), it may be possible that this youngster does likewise. f the aunt has a smartphone & can text, then I can see maybe the youngster, if she calls at a bad time (although it sounds like she isn't), "rejecting" the call but then hitting "reply with text" with a preset "can't talk now, will call later" or such. I own a smartphone, I know how they work, & I know full well that, properly configured with the right app & such, smartphones can easily do this, making it extremely easy for a caller to "reschedule" a call that way.
Regardless, I have a small circle of older friends/relatives who don't text and I accommodate them, rather than expecting them to become a texter after 70-odd years of age. If that is what it comes to for this nephew, then so be it. He needs to grow up & act like an adult and get over his "I don't like to talk on the phone to my family" horse manure.
This whole "he'll call when he FEELS LIKE IT," that's just self-centered bunk. You call because you're not being a PRICK, that's how it goes. If not--again, pull the money, I guarantee you the calls will get returned.
To me, unless you're in the FBI operating undercover or something, you are a prick if you don't call people back in a reasonable period of time, & I would consider 2 weeks very reasonable. Period. If you don't like to talk on the phone, frankly, GET OVER YOURSELF and accommodate your friend, or you aren't a friend and don't deserve ANY. Especially with smartphones so common, it's easy to, say, "reject" a call if the time isn't right but then pin a reminder note that will beep you later to remind you to callback later or such. There is no excuse, except just that the person is plain being a prick.
Some real interesting responses so far. The general consensus is I should leave him alone and only talk to him if he makes an effort to talk to me. Other people think that my wife and I are pestering him. Interesting.
Yes, I remember how it was like to be 20 years old. I thought I could be rude to family and scream and yell at them and ignore their comments and questions because they were stuck with me. They could not dump me because I WAS FAMILY.
Actually we don't expect him to communicate with him all that often but do expect him to follow up and reply when we do communicate (about once a month). Why:
1) Good manners. In the adult world if someone talks to you, you talk back.
2) He expects a lot from us. When he comes to our house to stay on weekends he expects we spend our money for his food, entertainment and travel expenses. We have gone on a number of trips with him all over the local area and paid all his expenses.
3) We have been called and expected to drive down to his college and do all kinds of favors for him, like helping him move his things to storage and other activities.
4) I dropped everything to help him when he needed to set up meetings with business people I know for a project he is working on for a class.
People said we were likely not close. Not true, we know each other very well.
My wife and I help him, and provide him financial and emotional support, is it too much to ask for him to respond to our OCCASIONAL texts, emails and phone messages in a timely manner?
Oh hell, that's even WORSE.
My kid attended college where my mother had a snowbird condo. The plan was "support" and she could spend more time there and they were VERY VERY close, maybe even closer than he and I! We laid out the financial ground rules very clearly.
He would call her for money. "Nan, the campus is so large everyone has roller blades" And she'd send money. Over and over.
Later he told me it was for beer. Your sister is VERY WRONG. She'll find out the hard way.
Cut it off now. In a very nice way. "It's for your own good, love you, gimme a call and stay in touch when you don't need something, BYE".
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That's an astute observation.
