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you need to stop comparing yourself to other people.
that is really the secret.
i know in this society, not being married or having kids, people treat you differently.
but that is really their problem not yours.
you need to focus on what makes you happy.
just remember there are many unhappy people married and divorced and long to be single.
I know so many people who are married with kids and are miserable. Marriage and kids are not a guarantee for happiness. The divorce rate in the US is about 50%. In the past year, 2 couples close to me have seperated because "they aren't happy" however I'm sure there's things that went on that I'm not privy to. Mostly it's the women who feel unfulfilled for some reason.
I think you need to just keep putting one foot in front of the other, do things that are fun for YOU, and if you meet a great person to marry, wonderful. If you don't, your life can still be fulfilling and happy.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by goodlife36
I've recently turned 40 and I am really having a tough time. I made some radical changes to spice things up but things have not worked out like I hoped. Most people my age are married with children. I am working on improving myself both physically and spiritually but I feel like I am missing something. I enrolled into graduate school but it does not seem to be working out. I am just wasting money. I am trying to find purpose but I do not know which direction I should be headed. How do you measure yourself when you are 40+ without a partner, children or a high powered career?
I don't have a partner (though I date), children (don't want any) or a high powered career. A couple of years older than you. How do I measure myself? I don't I never thought about doing so. I live independently. Have a job I like in a field I want to work in. Travel, a bigger trip overseas every two years and the other year a domestic one. Have plenty of hobbies. I don't even know what I'd be measuring? Never thought about it. A purpose? How about enjoying your life? What more do you need?
I've recently turned 40 and I am really having a tough time. I made some radical changes to spice things up but things have not worked out like I hoped. Most people my age are married with children. I am working on improving myself both physically and spiritually but I feel like I am missing something. I enrolled into graduate school but it does not seem to be working out. I am just wasting money. I am trying to find purpose but I do not know which direction I should be headed. How do you measure yourself when you are 40+ without a partner, children or a high powered career?
Frankly, you look at yourself like a diamond in the rough. I can't tell if you're male or female but it doesn't matter... people of both genders who reach middle age without being married or having kids often complain that they can't find anyone who is similarly free of baggage. Most "available" people who are in their mid-30s or older are divorced and/or have children that'd be coming into the relationship. You are one of the few who are not so encumbered. This means that someday, someone similar is going to find you and start singing the Hallelujah chorus because, after finding SO MANY people who have tons of baggage, finally there's you with very little.
Just keep doing what you want to do, and keep searching for a mate. There are plenty of people out there who are looking as well.
I've recently turned 40 and I am really having a tough time. I made some radical changes to spice things up but things have not worked out like I hoped. Most people my age are married with children. I am working on improving myself both physically and spiritually but I feel like I am missing something. I enrolled into graduate school but it does not seem to be working out. I am just wasting money. I am trying to find purpose but I do not know which direction I should be headed. How do you measure yourself when you are 40+ without a partner, children or a high powered career?
Plenty of good advice in the comments here.
I haven't any to add, just that I can relate to OP.
I'm childless (by choice), divorced, and 40-haven't a career as I'm on disability, so I'm out of the mainstream by that measure.
I assess my lot in life with how my intellect appraises my circumstances, by the tenor of my emotional state, and by how my body feels (comfortable or not).
I try not to make comparisons with other people & what their lives seem to be like, but it's hard to keep from being exposed to that information in our culture.
I try to mind my own business, be kind to others, and focus on whatever constructive activity/interest seems worth my while (motivating).
I was almost 41 years old when I got married. At the time, it wasn't what I was looking for. It's just something that happened; it's a good fit.
No kids either, and again...just something that worked out that way.
My GAWD.....the stuff that I would hear from my late 20's right up until I was 40 or so:
Don't you want to be married?
What's the matter......you don't like kids?
Look, I'm glad that my parents decided to do the "normal" thing and get married in their 20's and have all of us offspring out of the house by their 50th birthdays.
But I'm also glad that I don't have to worry about saving for someone else's college education instead of my retirement.
I am not looking for dating advice. I want to know how other people in my bucket view themselves. I have done most of the things on my bucket list and I do not know where to go from here. There are plenty of people that are married with children and aren't happy but it monopolizes their time. Maybe I should learn how to just be.
You need to find things to do that you love. I would like to have more time to help the elderly or animals. Volunteering makes me feel needed and shows me that I have it pretty good. Find a cause that you support and get involved. You won't have time to worry about might be missing in your life.
Many years ago I was in a spot where I wasn't happy with myself and what I was doing. I wasn't really living the life I wanted, but I was getting by just fine, and sometimes that's the biggest spirit-killer of all. You're afraid to upset the apple cart because you're not actually miserable, but you're not where you want to be.
So I didn't 'find what I love' (tried that, it wasn't cutting it), instead - I went for something so completely out of my comfort zone that I think my family worried about my mental stability. But the thing is - my comfort zone wasn't working. None of the things I thought I liked were really helping me achieve what I wanted. I had to seriously shake things up, and boy did I. My rational was that if I didn't like it, at least I learned from it and knew myself a little better.
Well, that was the best thing I ever did for myself. It was tough, I didn't like every minute of it, and something I questioned why I was doing this. The rewards have been immense. I am much happier and far more positive than I ever realized I could be.
"Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?" -Mark Twain
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