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Old 11-19-2007, 05:57 PM
 
Location: in drifts of snow wherever you go
2,493 posts, read 3,275,673 times
Reputation: 692

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What to do. I hate this time of year. I can't bare to be around my family on the holidays for reasons I won't go into. When I was younger, I felt like I had to do it. And then one xmas my mother showed up hungover and I ended up feeling so miserable and depressed all day. I vowed I would never put myself through it again. So here we are again, this horrible time of year, and already I'm getting the pressure. "What's wrong with you? What did we ever do to you that was so horrible?" My father talks to his friends and then they feel sorry for him and so I get it from them as well, "Why don't you want to be with your family?" I have nowhere else to go, so I usually go somewhere to be alone.

Does anyone else have a toxic family? I think one of the reasons people in families go crazy is because of all the lies and denial that goes on. Some minds can't handle it. Is anybody else struggling? Send me a PM if you can't post here.
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Old 11-19-2007, 06:12 PM
 
1,727 posts, read 1,448,439 times
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I hated my husband's family - and my family was on the other coast - so I started planning vacations for the holidays, all of the holidays. (I found a lot of tricks for finding neat vacation rentals that were amazingly inexpensive). My husband once said (you might say yelled) - "sometimes I think you are doing this intentionally just to avoid my family". By then I had perfected the art of blase.
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Old 11-19-2007, 06:54 PM
 
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
6,239 posts, read 15,440,564 times
Reputation: 8108
Tell them that you got a second job, and you have to work.

Yes, my family is toxic, so I am now grateful that my mom is gone and my dad is 3,000 miles away in Florida. Even when I was growing up I'd rebel against spending holidays with my dad and his girlfriend, because it was always chaos at her place (she and her mother would be screaming at each other about cooking the turkey, etc.). Instead, I went to a friend's house. My older brother went elsewhere as well. It was a heck of a way to live, but why spend holidays being miserable?
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Old 11-19-2007, 07:19 PM
 
Location: California
11,435 posts, read 17,143,009 times
Reputation: 12499
Well here I go, my mother and Father in-law always want to have holidays at their house, I'll paint the picture, walk in the front door, the smell of dog doo hits you like a brick, the carpet is matted like someone rubbed grease on it, there are wet spots, the dogs use the furniture to wipe their butts, you better look before you sit or you may sit in dog doo, keep all the lights on or the cockroaches will come a running, the oven exploded from all the grease, don't go in the kitchen unless you have a strong stomache and never use the restroom unless your on a strong antibiotic. I'm being nice because it's worst than that. I've never ate there in over 30 years, I, along with my brother in-laws stand in the front yard avoiding the piles of dog do and drink beer to ease the pain, our wives come home sick.
One sister in-law now has the holidays at her house, it's clean and i can eat. The Mother and Father in-law throw a childish fit because they want to do it at their house, the daughters explain it straight out to them and they don't understand, their both insane.
We go to my parents, it works out nice, then stop by her sisters for a visit.
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Old 11-19-2007, 09:11 PM
 
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
10,732 posts, read 31,778,474 times
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I have a toxic family and I live FAR AWAY from them. My daughter and I will be staying here. I can't take the holidays with them. Even with lots of Xanax I wouldn't be able to take the holidays with them.

I used to hate the holidays until I realized it was the family and not the holidays.
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Old 11-19-2007, 10:10 PM
 
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,065 posts, read 4,183,059 times
Reputation: 969
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roaddog View Post
Well here I go, my mother and Father in-law always want to have holidays at their house, I'll paint the picture, walk in the front door, the smell of dog doo hits you like a brick, the carpet is matted like someone rubbed grease on it, there are wet spots, the dogs use the furniture to wipe their butts, you better look before you sit or you may sit in dog doo, keep all the lights on or the cockroaches will come a running, the oven exploded from all the grease, don't go in the kitchen unless you have a strong stomache and never use the restroom unless your on a strong antibiotic. I'm being nice because it's worst than that. I've never ate there in over 30 years, I, along with my brother in-laws stand in the front yard avoiding the piles of dog do and drink beer to ease the pain, our wives come home sick.
One sister in-law now has the holidays at her house, it's clean and i can eat. The Mother and Father in-law throw a childish fit because they want to do it at their house, the daughters explain it straight out to them and they don't understand, their both insane.
We go to my parents, it works out nice, then stop by her sisters for a visit.
I don't doubt you are being kind. Great post. It's sort of funny the crap we have to go through for family. My memories of marriage and his family holidays bring flash backs to sloppy happy drunks who were too touchy feely (like running their hands through my hair while I tried to eat), turning into mean nasty drunks if they didn't get what they wanted for Christmas. I think I just spit up a little just thinking about it.
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Old 11-19-2007, 10:17 PM
 
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,065 posts, read 4,183,059 times
Reputation: 969
Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenMachine View Post
What to do. I hate this time of year. I can't bare to be around my family on the holidays for reasons I won't go into. When I was younger, I felt like I had to do it. And then one xmas my mother showed up hungover and I ended up feeling so miserable and depressed all day. I vowed I would never put myself through it again. So here we are again, this horrible time of year, and already I'm getting the pressure. "What's wrong with you? What did we ever do to you that was so horrible?" My father talks to his friends and then they feel sorry for him and so I get it from them as well, "Why don't you want to be with your family?" I have nowhere else to go, so I usually go somewhere to be alone.

Does anyone else have a toxic family? I think one of the reasons people in families go crazy is because of all the lies and denial that goes on. Some minds can't handle it. Is anybody else struggling? Send me a PM if you can't post here.
I know it's hard to come up with an excuse that won't hurt them as much as they've hurt you. Strange how we worry about people like that. Have you ever thought of volunteering during the holidays? Then you could guilt them into leaving you alone. Or you could "win" a ski vacation away every holiday.

I have the opposite problem. Would love to be with family, but they are all over the country at Christmas and I work in public safety. I can't remember the last Christmas I had off.
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Old 11-19-2007, 10:22 PM
 
1,352 posts, read 4,227,826 times
Reputation: 580
I LOVE my family Although many of us lead different lives, have differing opinions, some are unbearable at times, others just plain get on my nerves...............but, at the end of the day, I wouldn't trade them in for the world

Many people don't have family - just be thankful that you do

P.S. We are all spread out around the country as well but we have a family reunion (all 5 generations come together) every 2 years. Even my immediate family is spread out many miles apart - but I speak to my Mother and Grandmother nearly every day; my sister, brothers, uncles, and first cousins at least 1x per week.
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Old 11-20-2007, 04:42 AM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
24,671 posts, read 58,362,608 times
Reputation: 26526
"I LOVE my family Although many of us lead different lives, have differing opinions, some are unbearable at times, others just plain get on my nerves...............but, at the end of the day, I wouldn't trade them in for the world

Many people don't have family - just be thankful that you do."

That's wonderful and it sounds as though you have a "normal" loving family with the usual quirks. Very different from someone surrounded by toxicity who dreads the gatherings.

GreenMachine, my suggestion would be to make plans in advance to be somewhere else. Why not take a Caribbean cruise, for instance? You'll meet some lovely people and enjoy all the festivities while visiting beautiful ports. Nobody should feel guilty about not liking their family. We don't choose them, we just get them. As I recall, not even the Bible demands that you LOVE your family. Honour your father and mother but even at a stretch "honour" doesn't mean "love." Treat yourself, don't abuse yourself. Cheers!
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Old 11-20-2007, 06:43 AM
 
Location: California
11,435 posts, read 17,143,009 times
Reputation: 12499
Quote:
Originally Posted by MainStreet View Post
I don't doubt you are being kind. Great post. It's sort of funny the crap we have to go through for family. My memories of marriage and his family holidays bring flash backs to sloppy happy drunks who were too touchy feely (like running their hands through my hair while I tried to eat), turning into mean nasty drunks if they didn't get what they wanted for Christmas. I think I just spit up a little just thinking about it.
Oh yeah, we had the brother in-law from hell, he always tried to pick up on everyones wives with his sad stories of how he didn't get treated right by his wife. The mother and father in-laws never got enough presents, someone had to end up arguing. all the brother and sister in-laws have calmed down as theve gotton older, but the parents have stayed the same. One of my first Christmas's with them was when my FIL and BIL got into a fight and ended up knocking down the tree and rolling on the floor beating each other, I had never seen anything like it. Oh the memories.
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