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I was at my friends house and noticed something strange. She got married for the for the 1st time at the age of 57. It was her husbands 3rd marriage.
She has always been glowing about how she is so in love and has the perfect life.
Her husband has 2 kids from a previous marrage and both kids can't stand his new wife (my friend).
When I was at her house yesterday, I noticed her yelling at her husband. Not the usual "honey, please close the door" but in a very angry voice telling her husband to do something. She was actually quite mean in her tone of voice and I was a bit surprised at this.
At first, I noticed her husband kind of ignoring her. Almost like he was glad I there to keep her occupied or out of his hair. But when she seemed to feel that he was ignoring her, she would yell "Larry, go get the directions for the bird house NOW!!!".
This is the first time in 3 years I've seen her act this way. She grew up in an abusive home and has admited to me that in the past she's had anger issues. Not really admitting that she is abusive just that she gets angry. I thought "don't we all" and didn't think any more about it.
But when I witnessed this yesterday, it kind of blew my mind.
After she would yell at him, she would then be all sweet and lovey-dovey.
I am perplexed by this behavior.
Am I over-reacting to the normal husband-wife banter? Or is it normal to get so mad over such minor things?
If you've never seen behavior like this, I'm sure it would seem shocking.
to answer your question....if she grew up in an abusive home it is VERY likely this is how her parents talked to each other. So how would she know what is normal?
She sounds JUST like my mom, except for the lovey dovey part. My mom is demanding, bossy, critical, and yes, verbally abusive. When I moved out (I'm the youngest) and she could no longer control me, she managed fairly well for about 6-7 years, then my dad retired and she started micromanage him. My dad is generally a helpful and kind person so he has always attempted to please her. She yells at him for stuff like putting things on the wrong shelf in the fridge...dumb stuff she would never DREAM of yelling at anyone else about. But the result of her hateful behavior is that he has become extremely passive aggressive. Now that he has Alzheimers we have become rather desperate to get him put in a facility so no one will yell at him.
That is what is likely to happen to your friend and her husband. (not the Alzheimers part) Maybe this is a pattern he is used to (thus the first two divorces) so maybe this seems 'normal' to him. I was pretty passive aggressive myself for a long time and it contributed to the downfall of my marriage. It took a long time for me to unlearn those patterns of behavior.
I don't know that you can help your friend. There isn't likely a tactful way to address this with her without creating bad feelings. IMHO...continue your friendship but don't hang out with the two of them together.
Yes, he is very passive and just seems like he wants to please her any way he can. Maybe to keep the peace and prevent another divorce.
What shocked me the most is that she has always painted the picture that her life is so great & she met the most wonderful man, then I hear her "tone" and how angry she was over such a minor thing as directions for a bird feeder. It wasn't like anyone was in need of medical treatment.
I can tell his kids don't like her. Probably because she is relatively new in their lives and she feels free to tell them what they need to be doing with their own life.
Regardless, now I feel sorry for her husband because I can only see this getting worse. As the newness of their relationship wears off, their real personalities will shine through. If he is passive and she is agressive, maybe they are good for each other. Still, I don't think anyone deserves that kind of abuse from a spouse. He is 63 and looks older so it's not like he can find someone better.
I was at my friends house and noticed something strange. She got married for the for the 1st time at the age of 57. It was her husbands 3rd marriage.
She has always been glowing about how she is so in love and has the perfect life.
Her husband has 2 kids from a previous marrage and both kids can't stand his new wife (my friend).
When I was at her house yesterday, I noticed her yelling at her husband. Not the usual "honey, please close the door" but in a very angry voice telling her husband to do something. She was actually quite mean in her tone of voice and I was a bit surprised at this.
At first, I noticed her husband kind of ignoring her. Almost like he was glad I there to keep her occupied or out of his hair. But when she seemed to feel that he was ignoring her, she would yell "Larry, go get the directions for the bird house NOW!!!".
This is the first time in 3 years I've seen her act this way. She grew up in an abusive home and has admited to me that in the past she's had anger issues. Not really admitting that she is abusive just that she gets angry. I thought "don't we all" and didn't think any more about it.
But when I witnessed this yesterday, it kind of blew my mind.
After she would yell at him, she would then be all sweet and lovey-dovey.
I am perplexed by this behavior.
Am I over-reacting to the normal husband-wife banter? Or is it normal to get so mad over such minor things?
If she was acting that way when you were around, imagine how she acts when no one is there but her husband?
Yes, he is very passive and just seems like he wants to please her any way he can. Maybe to keep the peace and prevent another divorce.
What shocked me the most is that she has always painted the picture that her life is so great & she met the most wonderful man, then I hear her "tone" and how angry she was over such a minor thing as directions for a bird feeder. It wasn't like anyone was in need of medical treatment.
I can tell his kids don't like her. Probably because she is relatively new in their lives and she feels free to tell them what they need to be doing with their own life.
Regardless, now I feel sorry for her husband because I can only see this getting worse. As the newness of their relationship wears off, their real personalities will shine through. If he is passive and she is agressive, maybe they are good for each other. Still, I don't think anyone deserves that kind of abuse from a spouse. He is 63 and looks older so it's not like he can find someone better.
Just because he is 63 and looks older does not mean he has to be stuck with a woman who mistreats him.
Trust me, there are plenty of older women out there who would latch on to him in a heartbeat and treat him well.
Perhaps your friend should be the one to worry about not finding someone better.......
Just because he is 63 and looks older does not mean he has to be stuck with a woman who mistreats him.
Trust me, there are plenty of older women out there who would latch on to him in a heartbeat and treat him well.
Perhaps your friend should be the one to worry about not finding someone better.......
Yes, of course it doesn't mean that he couldn't find someone who was nice to him, but this guy has had a history of choosing women who used him.
My friend is very pretty, he's probably never dated someone who was so attractive, so I get the feeling that he does feel "lucky" to be with such an attractive person.
I don't mean to sound so superficial, but the truth is when I first met him, he looked old enough to be her father and I wondered what she saw in him. Now I'm thinking that she saw someone she could control and keep reined in.
If that were my friend I'd tell her straight that she is out of line maybe at a different time. Tell her that it's un normal.
Really? How is it your right/obligation to interfere with the dynamics of any marriage other than your own? The husband may not mind or even notice and if he doesnt care, should anyone else? It's their marriage and their relationship.
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