Always Go To The Funeral (spouse, person, children, sister)
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Even though still alive I mourned the loss of my father years ago. I haven't seen or spoke to him in over 11 years and the last time I spoke to him something awful happened to me due to his flippin' ego. This is a funeral I will not be attending.
Last year my 20 year old nephew died. The horror of it for everyone was too much to bear. I wrote and read something at his funeral (I refused to look at him in an open casket) and it took two valium for me to get up and do it. That is the last funeral I will ever go to.
People deal with death in their own way. Passing judgement is another form of self-centeredness.
Just saying..........
Hardly. The person in question wasn't dealing with the death at all.
To address your other point it's quite often, depending on the situation, that being judgmental is completely appropriate. In fact, I've found that people who sling the word 'judgmental' around are typically the most judgmental of all -- they just don't approve of what other people are judging at the moment. And I really don't judge people on what they're wearing or their taste in music or how they vote or a host of other things. My judgement is reserved for their attitude towards and treatment of others.
If someone picks up and leaves his wife and family to live with his mistress, are we being judgmental if we don't view him in a favorable light? If someone disobeys traffic laws or an able-bodied person parks in the handicapped space at the grocery store, are we judgmental to view that person in a harsh light? Are we being judgmental if someone knowingly spreads an STD simply because he doesn't like the preventative measures? Or what if a couple decides to have sex out in the middle of a public park frequented by children? Are we killjoys then?
Of course not, because the actions and attitudes of the person in question cause real harm, whether physical or emotional to other people. If one has a friend who dies, your relationship with that person is not over simply because his heart stops beating. You have a relationship with who he was, as well as his entire community of friends and family. So if you respect the deceased, you respect those who loved him. That's why presence matters. That's why it's utterly self-centered and immature act of omission to avoid a funeral for a friend or family member just because it's kind of a bummer.
Funerals are terrible things. They are emotionally draining. And yet you go. For you go to support the community that was central to that person's life, whether it's parents, a spouse, children, brothers, sisters, girlfriends, or whoever else. For it's not always about you, you know.
My mother was, well, interesting. And difficult. And a host of other things...her kids (my siblings and I) loved her fiercely but we also had some real issues. When she got sick, that ol' gal thought she'd live forever and would just push through her illness. She was ornery enough, that's for sure. Unfortunately, her tiny little body couldn't take the cancer and it destroyed her. It destroyed us.
Know what I was thinking about? I was wondering just how many people would show up to her funeral? I know she had a lot of friends...but I also know she could be a difficult woman...but HOW did she effect them? I was completely surprised (and honored) when the funeral home was PACKED. It made me cry more that she was really loved by these people (or at least, well liked) I thought any of the problems I may have had were just so small and her final farewell was really great as so many people thought to show up and pay their respects...not only to her, but to her kids.
So yea, it IS a bummer...someone has left this earth...sometimes peacefully, many times not. But those who remain want to know that the one who passed had a positive impact on at least a few people...it's funny but you don't think those things will matter but so often they do.
You don't go to a funeral for the dead person. You don't even necessarily go for yourself. You go for the people who loved the dead one, to support them and show them that the person they lost was loved, respected, and admired, and that there are people who cared so much about them that they're taking time to stand by the family and show them that they aren't alone on that awful day. If you really cared about the person who died, that's the least you can do for them - offer some support and strength to the people they loved, at one of the hardest, loneliest, and most painful moments of their lives. It can mean a great deal to people who really need to find some sort of meaning in that period of their lives.
You don't go to a funeral for the dead person. You don't even necessarily go for yourself. You go for the people who loved the dead one, to support them and show them that the person they lost was loved, respected, and admired, and that there are people who cared so much about them that they're taking time to stand by the family and show them that they aren't alone on that awful day. If you really cared about the person who died, that's the least you can do for them - offer some support and strength to the people they loved, at one of the hardest, loneliest, and most painful moments of their lives. It can mean a great deal to people who really need to find some sort of meaning in that period of their lives.
This. Rep for you. I'm amazed how people don't understand this, or simply don't want to.
Years ago, I was introduced to sitting shiva by Jewish friends, who comforted my husband and I during a very sad time in our lives. It's a beautiful custom in which mourners gather silently at the bereaved's home during the week following a loved one's death. The silence is very powerful, and it's something my Christian relatives found impossible. They had to talk, talk, talk, do, do, do, talk, talk, talk, do, do, do. I was out of my mind with grief, and the constant noise and activity was crazy-making. My Jewish friends just sat with us quietly and honored our sadness. I found it incredibly comforting. Funerals can be gut-wrenching, and I don't enjoy them at all, but my I've always considered my presence a gift to the bereaved. I don't go to make them feel better, only to show them that they are not alone.
Last edited by randomparent; 05-23-2014 at 11:52 AM..
You don't go to a funeral for the dead person. You don't even necessarily go for yourself. You go for the people who loved the dead one, to support them and show them that the person they lost was loved, respected, and admired, and that there are people who cared so much about them that they're taking time to stand by the family and show them that they aren't alone on that awful day. If you really cared about the person who died, that's the least you can do for them - offer some support and strength to the people they loved, at one of the hardest, loneliest, and most painful moments of their lives. It can mean a great deal to people who really need to find some sort of meaning in that period of their lives.
The loneliest point in the survivors' lives isn't the funeral. It's the following weeks when the world either avoids you or tries to sweep your loved one into the dustbin termed the "memory hole" by Orwell.
Location: East St. Paul 651 forever (or North St. Paul) .
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The girl I was seeing for the last couple months just passed. She was in her early 30s and I am in my early 30s as well. I don't really know how I should deal with it all - we were only together for a couple months but I was the last person she was ever with before she passed last weekend. Definitely shocked right now and not sure how to proceed as I didn't even ever get to meet her family. I think I am going to go to the memorial service with a card for her mom (who I met a couple times, briefly) but this is all so new to me having never really ever losing anyone close except for an uncle a couple years ago to cancer.
I just feel like I have to go, regardless of how I feel right now. Don't know how to dress, what to bring (beside my 'sympathy' card), how I should act when I'm there or who I should talk with, or how long I should stay or how early I should be. Very confusing situation to deal with right now.
Location: East St. Paul 651 forever (or North St. Paul) .
2,860 posts, read 3,385,133 times
Reputation: 1446
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223
A couple of weeks ago, I was a party to someone who said, "As a rule, I just don't go to funerals. I mean, what possible purpose could it serve? It would bum me out [Yes, she said that] and the person is dead anyway."
Didn't quite know what to say. Wish I had this article handy:
Thanks for the article. I know I have to go now. As I said, her and I were an 'item' for the last couple months and I know I cared for her and would have done anything to be there to stop what she did to herself; after reading the article I know I have to do this, for her and for her family.
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