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I might be an ignorant college student, but some of you guys be ridiculous. How can you not have friends into adulthood? Is having a wife and kids really enough to satisfy your social needs?
I wouldn't call it ignorance. You have not experienced life to the same degree that alot of people here have commented on.
When you have a wife and kids, their jobs and activities, your own career demands, keeping up a house, paying ever-rising bills, etc., you can't be surprised that people may tend to focus on self-preservation and making due with what they have rather than investing in outside friendships.
Another piece of it that people didn't discuss here is the effects of relocation on friendships. I myself have moved seven times in my adult life (due to work) and I don't have the money to spend on "going home" to see my old friends. We stay in touch, but it's just not the same. And I myself don't put the time or effort into finding new friends when we move. Not only am I more picky about my friends, but I never know how long I'll be in the area. So, I invest my time with the constants in my life (my family).
Lastly, when you're married you are in a partnership. My DW is very introverted. She had her set of friends growing up and we used to socialize with each others peer groups as we dated and got married. However, I find that making friends now will obviously involve the wife and socializing should be more of a couples thing at my age. If DW isn't really gung-ho about making new friends and booking time for this on our calendars, then I am not going to push it. In other words, I'll go do things from time to time with my "loose" friends and acquaintances, but I am not going out of my way to find couples type friendships either.
I've known people who share the same struggle related by the OP. My observation (for what it's worth) is that many times, lonely people are hyper-focused on "image" - meaning, what do I need to say/do/buy/wear/drive that will make me appear "cool". This usually leads to failure. It's amazing that when people start being themselves, stop focusing on the latest shiny trend and begin truly doing what makes them happy, friends appear out of nowhere.
I was just thinking about this earlier today. I've been trying to figure out lately why I haven't had any close friends since college. My husband and I have acquaintences, and he has his best friend who he thinks of as a brother, but that's it.
I have come to realize that I just don't want or need close friends. I have tried since college to try & re-kindle old friendships, but people don't keep in touch. I have had a couple of friends here at work, but now they hang out together without inviting me. At first it hurt my feelings, and I kept saying they must not like me. But lately, I just find my self thinking, who the heck cares??
At the end of the day, people annoy me. I am an introvert. I've come to realize the only reason I HAD to have so many close friends before, was because society told me I was a loser without them. The acquaintences I have annoy me. You have the people who cause nothing but drama, and the people who make plans and cancel them. Or you have people who only contact you when they want or need something. The BEST are the people who have no money, and end up depending on you somehow. I've had enough. I'm happy enough with my husband and when I want to see these acquaintences, I'll give them a call. If they want to be a pain in the a**, no skin off my back.
I might be an ignorant college student, but some of you guys be ridiculous. How can you not have friends into adulthood? Is having a wife and kids really enough to satisfy your social needs?
I saw things that way when I was younger, but trust me..life has taught me differently, lol. As mentioned, once you get more life experience, I can almost guarantee you will change your tune down the road.
I was just thinking about this earlier today. I've been trying to figure out lately why I haven't had any close friends since college. My husband and I have acquaintences, and he has his best friend who he thinks of as a brother, but that's it.
I have come to realize that I just don't want or need close friends. I have tried since college to try & re-kindle old friendships, but people don't keep in touch. I have had a couple of friends here at work, but now they hang out together without inviting me. At first it hurt my feelings, and I kept saying they must not like me. But lately, I just find my self thinking, who the heck cares??
At the end of the day, people annoy me. I am an introvert. I've come to realize the only reason I HAD to have so many close friends before, was because society told me I was a loser without them. The acquaintences I have annoy me. You have the people who cause nothing but drama, and the people who make plans and cancel them. Or you have people who only contact you when they want or need something. The BEST are the people who have no money, and end up depending on you somehow. I've had enough. I'm happy enough with my husband and when I want to see these acquaintences, I'll give them a call. If they want to be a pain in the a**, no skin off my back.
I agree totally..outstanding response! Don't even get me started on the Facebook nonsense, lol.
I wouldn't call it ignorance. You have not experienced life to the same degree that alot of people here have commented on.
When you have a wife and kids, their jobs and activities, your own career demands, keeping up a house, paying ever-rising bills, etc., you can't be surprised that people may tend to focus on self-preservation and making due with what they have rather than investing in outside friendships.
Another piece of it that people didn't discuss here is the effects of relocation on friendships. I myself have moved seven times in my adult life (due to work) and I don't have the money to spend on "going home" to see my old friends. We stay in touch, but it's just not the same. And I myself don't put the time or effort into finding new friends when we move. Not only am I more picky about my friends, but I never know how long I'll be in the area. So, I invest my time with the constants in my life (my family).
Lastly, when you're married you are in a partnership. My DW is very introverted. She had her set of friends growing up and we used to socialize with each others peer groups as we dated and got married. However, I find that making friends now will obviously involve the wife and socializing should be more of a couples thing at my age. If DW isn't really gung-ho about making new friends and booking time for this on our calendars, then I am not going to push it. In other words, I'll go do things from time to time with my "loose" friends and acquaintances, but I am not going out of my way to find couples type friendships either.
I might be an ignorant college student, but some of you guys be ridiculous. How can you not have friends into adulthood? Is having a wife and kids really enough to satisfy your social needs?
Some people don't need or want a large social network or any social network when they have a family to tend to.
Isolation is not always by choice. Life gets in the way. I guess that is one reason you see so many older folks at churches. And many people going to sporting events. It is a way to keep those friendships and connections fresh and ongoing.
OP, I think you are trying way too hard, and that may be making others feel a bit uncomfortable around you. Other posters mentioned "overthinking" and "neediness" and I think they're on point. "Desperation" is another word that comes to mind.
Most people's friendships form and grow organically. They aren't forced. It can be as simple as two people crossing each other's paths at the park or workplace cafeteria or whatever...they have a little chat to pass the time and suddenly they discover they have some cool things in common...which naturally segues into deeper conversation, maybe some after-work drinks...and after some time has passed, those two people are good friends with each other. Pretty simple. At no point is either person thinking "I want this dude to be my friend"...the friendship just happened by itself.
I suggest that you revise your mindset. Instead of "looking for friends", just go out and do things that interest you and things that you enjoy. Also, just socialize with people and don't have an agenda about it. Not everything needs to be goal-based or objective-based. The point here is to get to where you're happy with yourself. Others will notice that and be drawn to that. And although "interesting" is relative, you'll very likely come across as a more intriguing person in the eyes of others.
As for your thread title...
1) Kids have more of an innocence about them. That makes it easier for them to let friendships naturally occur and blossom.
2) Adults are usually more self-aware. Many are more wary of others, some become cynical, and plenty are less tolerant of others. Thus they're more careful about who they associate with. They understand that they can be judged by the company they keep. This becomes more important for those who have to maintain a certain image or reputation.
3) Building on #2, the cautiousness intensifies when one marries and has children. Some people prefer to make sure that their significant other is okay with the new friend.
4) Your typical 30 year old man will have a wife, at least one kid, a full time job and maybe a hobby. Once you factor in family-time, job-time, finances, personal health time (fitness, etc.) and the occasional get together with his existing buds to drink beer and watch football...there isn't much time left over to befriend new people.
5) Most people already have solid social networks by age 25 or so, consisting of people they met in college, work and grade school. They are content with the friends they already have. It's not that they don't want any new friends...it's just that they're happy with what they already have. The best way to "gain entry" into their circles is to be a friend and be someone worth knowing.
6) A significant majority of people in their late 20s and older are either in committed relationships or married. When these couples have time for social activities...many of them are more likely to do them with their coupled-up friends instead of their single ones. It's just emotionally easier that way. More likely to relate to each other. Less awkwardness.
I would love to make new friends but I don't really know how to go about it at my age. I get bored and live on a fixed income. Any suggestions?
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Making friends with older adults
