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All the more reason to be nice to this lady... you all know the hell she will soon be going through.
I agree with this. Don't blame the new wife for what this jerk did to his ex-wife. It's very possible for history to repeat itself in this kind of situation.
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Originally Posted by Mattie
Definitely not only aware of one side of the story. The new wife is blameless in the divorce, and I'm not concerned with couple events. I don't think he'll show up for them. This is strictly about loyalty to a friend versus welcoming a neighbor. I don't like ostracizing anybody, but our friend will be hurt.
I feel for your friend. Everyone in my family has been divorced in my family (some multiple times) and it's rough to keep ties to the exes that happen along the way, especially when you start to develop ties with the new spouse for whatever reason. Your friend is healing and every part of this is hard for her but I don't think that means you should compromise the neighborhood community for that by leaving this new wife out in the cold.
Ostracizing the new wife sounds like "mean girl" behavior. Sorry, but your friend needs to put on her big girl panties and suck it up. She's no longer a resident and new wife is and this is a residents only event. Instead of "hating" the new wife, she should pity the poor woman and encourage you to invite her. As someone else mentioned, wife #2 will be in need of support when the jerk treats her badly, too.
I'd invite the new wife AND I would tell her that you're all friends with the former wife. In a nice way. "We'll really do our best to avoid any awkwardness for you."
The first wife needs to get past it. You guys didn't cause the problem and shouldn't have to live awkward.
We live in a small (34 homes) neighborhood, and for the most part, everybody gets along. We have 3 neighborhood-wide social gatherings per year. We also have a book club that is open to all residents.
One couple broke up two years ago, with the divorce finalized last April. They both moved to new homes, and rented out the house here. The ex-wife was a lovely woman, and we have remained close. The husband is an alcoholic, and the split happened after he fell off the wagon, and became physically and verbally abusive to his wife.
Now the renters have moved on, and the ex-husband has remarried. He moved back into the home in our neighborhood this month, bringing his new wife. He also stopped paying his ex-wife's medical insurance, although the divorce papers obligate him to. His response was, "take me to court". He's a jerk.
I'm co-head of the social committee. It's nearing time to send out the holiday party invites. Tonight is the book club meeting. People have very mixed emotions about welcoming this new woman, but it would be difficult to exclude her when we are a small group to start with. I'm pretty sure he won't want to attend the holiday party, so that may solve itself, but would you extend an invitation to the wife for other social gatherings(usually women only)? I know she is not from the area, so is likely looking to meet people, but our friend is still in close touch (she didn't move far), and I would hate to hurt her any further.
You simply cannot blame the new wife for the way the husband treats or has treated his ex!
It should never be awkward to show some kindness - just take the high road.
Be a good neighbor to her by including her in anything any other neighbor would be invited to. She probably really needs a friend too.
I'd invite the new wife AND I would tell her that you're all friends with the former wife. In a nice way. "We'll really do our best to avoid any awkwardness for you."
The first wife needs to get past it. You guys didn't cause the problem and shouldn't have to live awkward.
We had a book club meeting tonight, and this is pretty much the consensus. We will include the new wife on the email invite, but the ex will also be on the list. Chances are neither will come, which is fine. The ex rarely attends as it is, but we still see her several times a week.
You don't have to like or respect the new wife. You can invite her and just limit the thing and then set up a bigger private event. You don't have to invite her but if she asks about it then you have to let her know what is going on. It doesn't mean she deserves any respect from you. Nor is she also entitled to your support.
Honestly, I think your book club has a larger decision to make. Either it is an HOA club - and it needs to remain residents only. Which is unfortunate for the folks who moved out of the neighborhood, but they should understand. It doesn't mean they are excluded from private events, just the HOA ones.
OR the book club needs to be spun off into a private group and the HOA stays out of membership. That way anyone outside of the neighborhood is welcome, but you also don't have to invite/include anyone you don't want to.
Honestly, this decision is overdue in my opinion. You've already got three people who are participating and have left the neighborhood. It's really unrelated to any sort of divorce drama.
I've never understood the jealousy thing with exes. If I were the ex-wife, it wouldn't bother me that the new wife is included. That's a part of her life that is in the past. Are you assuming she will be hurt or has she stated that specifically?
I just found out that my ex-husband is engaged and the first thing I did was to congratulate him and "friend" his fiancee on Facebook. She is going to be in my son's life and I don't want to make things more awkward for him than they need to be. She seems like a lovely person.
Sometimes I think people are looking for drama by getting their panties in a twist.
I've never understood the jealousy thing with exes. If I were the ex-wife, it wouldn't bother me that the new wife is included. That's a part of her life that is in the past. Are you assuming she will be hurt or has she stated that specifically?
I just found out that my ex-husband is engaged and the first thing I did was to congratulate him and "friend" his fiancee on Facebook. She is going to be in my son's life and I don't want to make things more awkward for him than they need to be. She seems like a lovely person.
Sometimes I think people are looking for drama by getting their panties in a twist.
I've never understood the jealousy thing with exes. If I were the ex-wife, it wouldn't bother me that the new wife is included. That's a part of her life that is in the past. Are you assuming she will be hurt or has she stated that specifically?
I just found out that my ex-husband is engaged and the first thing I did was to congratulate him and "friend" his fiancee on Facebook. She is going to be in my son's life and I don't want to make things more awkward for him than they need to be. She seems like a lovely person.
Sometimes I think people are looking for drama by getting their panties in a twist.
I think the ex here would be able to be happy for her ex-husband if he wasn't doing everything he could to shirk the divorce agreement. She didn't find out he canceled her health insurance (which he is supposed to pay for 18 more months) until she went to get a prescription filled. The issue wasn't with the new wife, she may be perfectly nice. But, our friend has had a rough time due to the actions of her ex-husband, both before and after the divorce.
The book club is not an HOA activity. We can invite anybody we want.
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Sorry, but your friend needs to put on her big girl panties and suck it up. She's no longer a resident and new wife is and this is a residents only event. Instead of "hating" the new wife, she should pity the poor woman and encourage you to invite her. As someone else mentioned, wife #2 will be in need of support when the jerk treats her badly, too.
