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I am currently living in California, so driving to las vegas only takes about four hours. We are going to stop at Bastow for lunch.
My nephew (my brother's biological son) is only five years old. My sister's in law's two kids from previous marriage are 9 and 11 years old. My nephew is living with me ATM, so it is natural for me to take him and him alone. I just don't get why do i have to take all three just because those two other kids want to go.
We are not going to gamble, I have friends living in Las Vegas. I am going to visit them, just hangout. Everywhere I go I am going to take my nephew with me. I perhaps will take my nephew sightseeing and take him to a nice restaurant. He really likes lobster and crab.
I feel obligated to take the two other kids. They are not living with me ATM at all. Obviously, I cannot say no to my sister in law because I don't want her to be stressed out even more.
Maybe I will think of something else. At this moment, Las Vegas sounds like an awful choice of mini vacation.
My nephew (my brother's biological son) is only five years old. My sister's in law's two kids from previous marriage are 9 and 11 years old.
So these are all kids who are fairly close in age who will definitely be hurt by this. Either by you excluding the older two, or by the older two deciding your policy of "only blood counts" gives them license to completely exclude their younger half-brother from everything from that point out. So the 5 year old will be stuck in a house with two older brothers he looks up to (as every little boy does older brothers) who now will hate his guts for being the pampered snowflake and will use every chance they can to get back and make him feel as bad as they felt. Terrible idea.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981
My nephew is living with me ATM, so it is natural for me to take him and him alone. I just don't get why do i have to take all three just because those two other kids want to go.
There is nothing natural about wanting to exclude children just because they are stepchildren. Or at least, nothing you should be proud of. You have to take all three because they are part of the same family and their parents have chosen to make it this way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981
I feel obligated to take the two other kids. They are not living with me ATM at all. Obviously, I cannot say no to my sister in law because I don't want her to be stressed out even more.
You should feel obligated. You should also rethink your policy of only caring about bio-children because it's incredibly selfish.
So these are all kids who are fairly close in age who will definitely be hurt by this. Either by you excluding the older two, or by the older two deciding your policy of "only blood counts" gives them license to completely exclude their younger half-brother from everything from that point out. So the 5 year old will be stuck in a house with two older brothers he looks up to (as every little boy does older brothers) who now will hate his guts for being the pampered snowflake and will use every chance they can to get back and make him feel as bad as they felt. Terrible idea.
There is nothing natural about wanting to exclude children just because they are stepchildren. Or at least, nothing you should be proud of. You have to take all three because they are part of the same family and their parents have chosen to make it this way.
You should feel obligated. You should also rethink your policy of only caring about bio-children because it's incredibly selfish.
Are you daft? The bio nephew is living with her. Why does she have to go and get them when they can just go because he already lives with her? That's utterly stupid unless she wants to do that. Lily, take the bio kid and have fun. You're not going to be causing any trouble and if resentment does happen it is the parents' responsibility to never let that happen. It's much more convenient to take the nephew who is already with you to go.
Life isn't fair and you shouldn't be pampering the stepnephews either out of pity. Their parents chose to be a family. That's their business and nothing that affects you. So yeah, it's not like one of the other parents is the one excluding them. Obviously the SIL told the other parents to guilt you or to try to offload them which isn't right at all.
You aren't obligated and you can go on the trip (with your bio nephew only) and there is nothing that these CD "saints" can do about it. So go and enjoy yourselves.
Are you daft? The bio nephew is living with her. Why does she have to go and get them when they can just go because he already lives with her? That's utterly stupid unless she wants to do that. Lily, take the bio kid and have fun. You're not going to be causing any trouble and if resentment does happen it is the parents' responsibility to never let that happen. It's much more convenient to take the nephew who is already with you to go.
Life isn't fair and you shouldn't be pampering the stepnephews either out of pity. Their parents chose to be a family. That's their business and nothing that affects you. So yeah, it's not like one of the other parents is the one excluding them. Obviously the SIL told the other parents to guilt you or to try to offload them which isn't right at all.
I KNOW!!!!!
Geeze Plus, when I was younger, my parents took all four bio kids to separate vacation all the time. We all have to learn that we are ALL special, but none of us is THAT special. We don't get our ways all the time.
why do I have to take all three kids simply because other two are step children? AM I suppose to walk on eggshell all the time ?!
Geeze Plus, when I was younger, my parents took all four bio kids to separate vacation all the time. We all have to learn that we are ALL special, but none of us is THAT special. We don't get our ways all the time.
why do I have to take all three kids simply because other two are step children? AM I suppose to walk on eggshell all the time ?!
Thanks Yellow Jacket!!!
If you actually care about this child (the 5-year-old) you won't do this. It will guarantee his brothers will resent and try to get back at him. Can you imagine how damaging it's going to be to grow up in that house with two brothers who constantly gang up on you? Put you down? Treat you badly because they resent that they are treated differently? You are talking about taking actions that will give this child a one day vacation, and then all but ensure he will have to live day to day in a worse situation. It can be very damaging on a child to be rejected by their siblings, especially so young, the effects lasting into adulthood. He may never even understand that it was your doing that turned them against him--he may just internalize it as something being wrong with him.
Heck, things go bad enough, it may even affect your brother's marriage... not uncommon in blended families. If you actually care about your nephew at all (since it's clear you don't care a whit for the other two boys), you'll think about whether you want him to go through something so stressful just to indulge your feelings about who is "family."
If you actually care about this child (the 5-year-old) you won't do this.It will guarantee his brothers will resent and try to get back at him. Can you imagine how damaging it's going to be to grow up in that house with two brothers who constantly gang up on you? Put you down? Treat you badly because they resent that they are treated differently? You are talking about taking actions that will give this child a one day vacation, and then all but ensure he will have to live day to day in a worse situation. It can be very damaging on a child to be rejected by their siblings, especially so young, the effects lasting into adulthood. He may never even understand that it was your doing that turned them against him--he may just internalize it as something being wrong with him.
Heck, things go bad enough, it may even affect your brother's marriage... not uncommon in blended families. If you actually care about your nephew at all (since it's clear you don't care a whit for the other two boys), you'll think about whether you want him to go through something so stressful just to indulge your feelings about who is "family."
I have three siblings. Growing up, my parents took us to vacations separately ALL THE TIME. How come I cannot take my nephew with me especially he is living with me at the moment?
I care about those two kids, but not as much as i care about my own nephew. Am I a bad person because of that? I don't pretend to be somebody I am not. I have always been fair.
My five year old nephew cries all the time over his dad. Those two kids don't. I don't expect them too, my bro is not their dad. Just like my feeling toward my own nephew is different from the feeling I have toward those two kids. Obviously, they don't care about my brother the way my nephew does. So this year, I am going to pamper the little one a little bit more, is it truly a crime?
Seriously?
But I do agree with the bolded. So I am going to reconsider this option.
I have three siblings. Growing up, my parents took us to vacations separately ALL THE TIME. How come I cannot take my nephew with me especially he is living with me at the moment?
I care about those two kids, but not as much as i care about my own nephew. Am I a bad person because of that? I don't pretend to be somebody I am not. I have always been fair.
My five year old nephew cries all the time over his dad. Those two kids don't. Obviously, they don't care about my brother the way my nephew does. So this year, I am going to pamper the little one a little bit more, is it truly a crime?
Seriously?
But I do agree with the bolded. So I am going to reconsider this option.
Don't worry about it. That's the parents' responsibility. Are the half-siblings going to get in a huff and whine every time they don't get their way? Life is really going to suck for them if that is the case.
I have three siblings. Growing up, my parents took us to vacations separately ALL THE TIME. How come I cannot take my nephew with me especially he is living with me at the moment?
It's different when you're dealing with a blended family situation or any situation with adopted/step/half siblings where there is the natural fear and hurt of "Am I loved as much as the other people in this family?" It simply is and there's no way to get around it. In blended family situations, extra care must be taken with fairness in order to make the family unit work. The alternative is a miserable situation where kids feel unequal and fight, which tends to cause problems between the parents as well if outsiders (like you) are treating some kids better than others. Hopefully your brother and SIL are strong enough to stand up to your idea and not allow you to hurt your step-nephews in this way. If they're not strong enough to stand together, perhaps this begins to weaken their marriage and causes your bio-nephew to grow up in a broken home. Is that what a good aunt wants?
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981
I care about those two kids, but not as much as i care about my own nephew. Am I a bad person because of that? I don't pretend to be somebody I am not. I have always been fair.
Re: the bolded. If you show it outwardly? Yes.
"Pretending to be someone I'm not" can be a double-edged sword, and is often used as an excuse for bad behavior the perpetrator knows is wrong. If you take one child and not the other two in the house, that is not behaving in a "fair" way. And what's more, I think you know that somewhere in your gut, or you never would've asked.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981
My five year old nephew cries all the time over his dad. Those two kids don't. I don't expect them too, my bro is not their dad.
Wow, you're unbelievable. You're conveniently also forgetting that the five year old is FIVE and the other two boys are preteens. They may very well be just as upset and internalizing it, or displaying it differently because of the difference in age.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981
Just like my feeling toward my own nephew is different from the feeling I have toward those two kids. Obviously, they don't care about my brother the way my nephew does. So this year, I am going to pamper the little one a little bit more, is it truly a crime?
What a dumb assumption. You can't see in their heads, you don't see them 24/7 and have no idea how they may be reacting in private around their mom versus around the mean step-aunt who favors their half-brother.
And yes, it's a cruel thing to favor one child over the others, especially in a blended family. And frankly, I think you may be shocked and regretful when you see the repercussions. One nice day with an aunt isn't really worth years of growing up in a household with brothers who exclude you every day, who team up on you, who never let you play with them, who treat you like dirt because they themselves have been made to feel like dirt.
What a dumb assumption. You can't see in their heads, you don't see them 24/7 and have no idea how they may be reacting in private around their mom versus around the mean step-aunt who favors their half-brother.
And yes, it's a cruel thing to favor one child over the others, especially in a blended family. And frankly, I think you may be shocked and regretful when you see the repercussions. One nice day with an aunt isn't really worth years of growing up in a household with brothers who exclude you every day, who team up on you, who never let you play with them, who treat you like dirt because they themselves have been made to feel like dirt.
Goes both ways DUMB assumption. I think I know the family dynamic a little more than you do?!
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