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I was/am in your sons position. Biological father walked when mom was pregnant. I'm not gonna post my feelings online but as far as the posters on this subject? Most people posting were not in your sons situation and are clueless on his feelings. Hell I'm in the same position for over 40 years and my feelings and thoughts are completely different than his. Or maybe the same. You won't know until you get it straight from him.
I can tell you I would want to know who my father is. I don't want money love affection or his remorse. I don't hate the man. I don't even know who he is.
I know his name and the city he lived in. But it's a common name in a big city in a foreign country
Good luck to you. I can tell you there is resentment, anger and confusion especially when I was young. Now not so much
My advice is make sure you WANT. To be PART of his life from now on and take him with all his good and bad points. You don't get to say anything. If you are doing it for some selfish fill in some blank to sleep better at night stay away
This is not that difficult. Go see him. YOU made the choice to leave way back when. Let HIM make the choice whether to let you back into his life. It's NOT about you OR her. It's about him. Don't worry if you are met with anger and resentment. It's normal under the circumstances but, remember, you aren't the only one getting older and wiser.
Either way, you bring closure to all. Certainly she is old enough to understand, you old enough to try, and your son old enough to make a decision.
IF he takes you in, become a REAL part of his life. Re-live his youth patiently so all his demons of abandonment are brought to an end. It might help him appreciate that he indeed has a father (biological) and that his father does care and didn't completely walk away for good.
IF he doesn't, leave a door open for him. Smart money says he will come back when HE is ready and frankly, that's all you can hope for. It's a defining moment in your character. And while we are not here to judge you (hey, we weren't you way back when), we certainly can understand your rationale.
Go see him. All 3 of you probably need this and maybe the outcome will be better than you think. Now, or in the not-so-distant future.
I agree and I'm not understanding why he has to go through the mother? I think he really needs to leave that woman alone. I am sure at this point he is dead to her. If this was a minor child or even if he was between 18-21 I could understand but he is 24.
Fine I understand that the op doesn't want to ruin his life or make the mother angry if she has lied. The thing is that being a single-mother doesn't make you a saint so if she lied than that is something that she has to deal with. If the mother lied when would that 24-year-old "child" ever be old enough to know the truth? When he is 40 or 60? If she lied to him she didn't have the right to do so no matter what her intentions were.
Asking for an intro from the mom would be a huge favor to the OP and frankly he doesn't deserve S.ugar H.oney I.ce or T.ea from this woman. So be a man and don't hide behind her skirt expecting her to soften the blow for you. You don't deserve it! Don't ask her to build the bridge for you. Do it yourself...trust me a 24-year-old man isn't worried about a strange 64-year-old man kidnapping him or something like that. The op is one who needs to be a little bit worried if anything because if that young man is angry he might get his butt kicked and he would deserve it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lenora
This "kid" is 24 years old. Indeed, we know nothing about him other than his age. He could be a man who has served years fighting in Iraq or Afghanistan. He could have a wife and children. And yet, you believe the OP should run this by his Mommy first?
Everyone but the son had a choice in the matter.
"She even phoned me to tell I was the father of a boy and sent me a picture of the baby, but when I ignored it, she phoned again saying he would never know who his father was."
The son has a right to know the identity of his father AND the right to choose whether he would like to speak with him. It is time to stop infantilizing this man.
One of my high school teachers was in your son's shoes. His father walked out of his life before he was born. He mentioned to his class a few times during the school year that he would really like to meet his biological dad.
This may seem little off topic, but if you make a successful contact with your son, please share your medical history with him. So that he is aware of his own family's medical history.
You wronged the young man's mother. You abandoned a 21 yr old woman who wouldn't abort your child, leaving her to raise a child alone. You didn't send her money, even though you had plenty. You OWE her, big time. Even if that young man got hit by a car tomorrow and died without you ever having met him, you still owe HER big time. A good place to start, as I said before, is to give HER 100K no strings attached, to partially compensate for all the back child support you would have owed her had she chosen to go after you for it. So send her a check with a letter telling you how sorry you are, that you were a selfish idiot, that you can never make up for it, but that you are giving her the money as back child support. Include your phone and address so that she can contact you if she wishes. And if she cashes the check, and doesn't call, you still did the right thing.
I bet he doesn't want to do that but he would have no problem asking her to help him out with an intro to the son.
Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist
You wronged the young man's mother. You abandoned a 21 yr old woman who wouldn't abort your child, leaving her to raise a child alone. You didn't send her money, even though you had plenty. You OWE her, big time. Even if that young man got hit by a car tomorrow and died without you ever having met him, you still owe HER big time. A good place to start, as I said before, is to give HER 100K no strings attached, to partially compensate for all the back child support you would have owed her had she chosen to go after you for it. So send her a check with a letter telling you how sorry you are, that you were a selfish idiot, that you can never make up for it, but that you are giving her the money as back child support. Include your phone and address so that she can contact you if she wishes. And if she cashes the check, and doesn't call, you still did the right thing.
You wronged the young man's mother. You abandoned a 21 yr old woman who wouldn't abort your child, leaving her to raise a child alone. You didn't send her money, even though you had plenty. You OWE her, big time. Even if that young man got hit by a car tomorrow and died without you ever having met him, you still owe HER big time. A good place to start, as I said before, is to give HER 100K no strings attached, to partially compensate for all the back child support you would have owed her had she chosen to go after you for it. So send her a check with a letter telling you how sorry you are, that you were a selfish idiot, that you can never make up for it, but that you are giving her the money as back child support. Include your phone and address so that she can contact you if she wishes. And if she cashes the check, and doesn't call, you still did the right thing.
I don't send money to people I haven't spoken with for 24 years. That is something that we can discuss later. I've already said I'm available to do whatever they wish.
OK I did not read through all of these posts, but the OP keeps saying things like "it's his choice" and "let him decide" if he wants me in his life, etc.
If he wants to find you he will. Don't appear out of nowhere and force him to decide!
People find long lost relatives all the time thanks to ever-advancing communication and technology. If he knows basic info about you (name, previous addresses, age, etc.) then he can keep searching on the internet and other means to find you.
Like you said you don't know the whole story. It could be he thought you were dead. It could be that another man raised him and he believes that man is his biological father. It could be he was told about how you abandoned him and his mother because you just don't care. With those possibilities it is a terrible idea to approach this young man you think is your son.
You have spurned the idea of therapy, but you need to try it. Through that you might learn ways to stay away from this young man and his home, or you might even learn more appropriate ways to contact him. You haven't been through what this man has been through, so you need others--professionals--to show you a better way of dealing with this.
Before you contact anyone, you should have a private investigator give you background on the family that was abandoned so many years ago. I do not mean a complete dossier, but knowing who is married, where they live, etc. can help to frame the approach. The son may not live at the mother's address, but may have been visiting on the occasions that you saw him. She could have a husband and other children, and while you may think it is honorable to enter the discussion with her, you may be better served by not going through her. What does the son's birth certificate list in terms of father? That would be a key question to know if he has an inkling as to who you are in the grand scheme of things, as he would have had to have seen the name. Before you drop in on their family, and likely cause a disruption, it would be best to know how you fit into the picture.
Yes, my name is in his birth certificate. I told her I wouldn't want anything to do with the child but I come from a time when there was a big stigma around being the child of an 'unknown' father. It was meaningless in the end, I know, but it was what I thought I should do.
I will leave the letter in her mail box tomorrow and see how it goes. What do you think I should/shouldn't mention? How to approach her?
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