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Old 11-26-2013, 02:13 PM
 
4,104 posts, read 3,757,765 times
Reputation: 11235

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If your name is on the birth certificate, he could have found you a long time ago if he had wanted to. You don't send money to people you haven't spoken to in 24 years? Even if, without any financial help from you, they raised your son, with whom you now want to have contact? There is NOTHING that you can say, no way to approach this woman, after what you did to her. But it doesn't sound like you're thinking about the woman - you're just using her to try to get at your son, when you really have no business intruding on their lives unless you first do something really big to make amends for how you harmed them. Honestly, if I were in her position, and got a letter 24 yrs later from someone who had done what you did, I'd take it to court and get a no contact order for stalking.

 
Old 11-26-2013, 02:22 PM
 
1,373 posts, read 2,473,085 times
Reputation: 1426
Quote:
Originally Posted by aliss2 View Post
Ridiculous.

The man is on the birth certificate - if she tried to apply for welfare, the state would have hauled his ass into court and demanded he pay. She has appeared to have raised this child to majority without state assistance. She did not take him to court. WHERE do you get sugar daddy fail from that?

I was dumbass girl at 21 too, most of us normal upstanding grown women were. That's part of growing up. You aren't 21 anymore, what's your excuse for your ignorance?
Why you mad boo? Did I touch a nerve? You sound like a scorned babymama yourself.

I'm not understanding what was in it for her to lose her youth & bring a baby all by herself except of course the logical explanation would be that OP seemed to be doing financially well at that time. I have seen this scenario all too often, young girls getting pregnant on purpose by a sugardaddy just to use their baby for child support. Only her case was sugar daddy fail.

I''m not saying OP was right he is also a scumbag.
 
Old 11-26-2013, 02:24 PM
 
Location: FLG/PHX/MKE
7,288 posts, read 13,461,699 times
Reputation: 11575
Obviously you have nothing to lose by meeting him. Just be prepared for the possibility that he might tell you to shove off. After 24 years you're no more than a distant relative.
 
Old 11-26-2013, 02:25 PM
 
416 posts, read 638,110 times
Reputation: 293
Do what is best for the child, now an adult, and stay away. You have nothing to offer him. You abandoned him and his mother, failed to provide any child support, you weren't there to comfort him when he scraped his knee or got sick.

Now the honorable thing to do was figure out what a third of your income was for the past 24 years and mail a certified check to the mother.
 
Old 11-26-2013, 02:25 PM
 
1,373 posts, read 2,473,085 times
Reputation: 1426
Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
If your name is on the birth certificate, he could have found you a long time ago if he had wanted to. You don't send money to people you haven't spoken to in 24 years? Even if, without any financial help from you, they raised your son, with whom you now want to have contact? There is NOTHING that you can say, no way to approach this woman, after what you did to her. But it doesn't sound like you're thinking about the woman - you're just using her to try to get at your son, when you really have no business intruding on their lives unless you first do something really big to make amends for how you harmed them. Honestly, if I were in her position, and got a letter 24 yrs later from someone who had done what you did, I'd take it to court and get a no contact order for stalking.
Name can't be on the child's birth certificate unless he signs which he obviously did not. Why do people on this site think you can just randomly plaster a man''s name on a birth certificate like that. Then geez every body would claim Mitt Romney as their baby daddy. You need permission people!
 
Old 11-26-2013, 02:31 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,483 posts, read 43,636,396 times
Reputation: 47245
You have no right to approach him. You should first go to his mother to let her know you want to approach him but you want to know what he was told about you. His mother should be the one to do any explaining of the circumstances and tell him if she wants to. I think she should tell him you are in the area and give the young man the option of meeting you. But do not just appear in his life without some warning from his mother.

This has come up in the parenting forum from time to time. In fact there is one now about a father in prison who now wants to correspond with a child he deserted before prison.

I strongly believe it should be the young man's choice if he wants any contact with you and not your choice. Be prepared to reimburse his mother for his education and support for all the years you deserted them.

Ask the mod to put this in the parenting forum and you will get some interested responses. Go the far right top corner where the red triangle with black mark is. Hit it and then ask mod to move the thread.
 
Old 11-26-2013, 02:32 PM
 
1,373 posts, read 2,473,085 times
Reputation: 1426
OP while sending money is a good idea, I'd go with a paternity test first. Most people tend to stick with a certain ""type"". Look at someone we all know Kim K, now the baby Kim K could have had with Ray J or with Kanye West would NOT look so different. Would be same skin color, hair color, eye color etc, would probably be both good singers etc.

Make sure this baby is yours. And if its yours you better start paying baby!
 
Old 11-26-2013, 02:38 PM
 
7,364 posts, read 13,192,470 times
Reputation: 8940
Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamMessMaker View Post
I will leave the letter in her mail box tomorrow and see how it goes. What do you think I should/shouldn't mention? How to approach her?
You're going to leave a letter right on the holiday? Uh no, let them enjoy this coming holiday without you impeding on her/their thoughts.
 
Old 11-26-2013, 02:46 PM
 
Location: Alaska
5,356 posts, read 16,316,438 times
Reputation: 4023
Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamMessMaker View Post
I will leave the letter in her mail box tomorrow and see how it goes. What do you think I should/shouldn't mention? How to approach her?
I would start it with a simple apology, saying you're back in town again and acknowledge that she has a right to still be mad at you. I'd ask to speak to her either in person or over the phone to discuss the possibility of meeting her son. If she chooses to meet with you let her pick the time and place. Of course, include your phone number.

If, after a few days, she doesn't contact you, I'd give her another letter reiterating your desire to meet him. Request a meeting with her to give you any ground rules she'd like you to follow. Let her know you respect her for raising a son, but he should be the one to decide if he wants to meet you. Assuming it's a small town neighborhood, let her know there's a good chance you'll run into him at some point.

Don't go into any detail as that should be left for a meeting. Be prepared for him to refuse contact with you, but ask to hear it from him and not just his mother. If you do meet with his mother, be humble and acknowledge your past mistakes.
 
Old 11-26-2013, 02:58 PM
 
Location: Austin
12,081 posts, read 6,898,025 times
Reputation: 13332
Perhaps search your soul first and analyze if you have the bravery to make the amends you will have to make and the strength to have a giving (not taking) relationship with this young man?

If you really think you are willing to do whatever it takes to attempt a relationship after soul searching, perhaps call his mother and ask her if she will have coffee with you. If she will, consider asking her if stepping into a relationship after a quarter of a century would be good for her son before attempting any contact.
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