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Old 11-25-2013, 02:28 PM
 
Location: Foothills of Northern California
442 posts, read 482,540 times
Reputation: 324

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Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyHarley View Post
How about you find out where the mom lives. Maybe the same place as the kid? And send him thousands of dollars every few months. Least you could do.

I think you said you saw them doing lawn work? Like they are landscapers? Just give them money.
A great idea ^^ You do need to assume retribution. Help correct that part too, where you didn't financially support him.

No matter what happens, start sending them some money each month. Maybe if they live apart, a little to both of them each month or what you can afford. Then add nothing is owed in return, and that meeting with you is not required. You will continue to assume responsibility for yourself either way. Remind them that you owe them greatly for abandoning them years back. That will certainly help show true remorse

 
Old 11-25-2013, 02:38 PM
 
68 posts, read 71,645 times
Reputation: 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
You have lived a self-centered existence your whole adult life, time to grow up - finally- and think about others for a change.
I'm thinking about him. I simply want to meet him and let him decide what he wants to do. He's a grown up.
 
Old 11-25-2013, 02:51 PM
 
Location: Columbia, SC
7,257 posts, read 4,386,199 times
Reputation: 8718
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
You have to decide what you're going to do??

I'm TELLING you what you should do

Do not dare approach this young man while you yourself are such a mess!

That is the HEIGHT of selfishness.

You have lived a self-centered existence your whole adult life, time to grow up - finally- and think about others for a change.
This is spot on advice that it bears repeating. If for some reason beyond my understanding you still think you should make yourself known to him, you need to do this through the mother and, probably, his father as well. I'm guessing and hoping that a man helped raise him and if so, that guy is his father and you are just some dude with a penis. At least do the wrong thing in the right way if you so choose.

The best thing for you to do is absolutely nothing though.

Last edited by Joe the Photog; 11-25-2013 at 03:00 PM..
 
Old 11-25-2013, 03:05 PM
 
68 posts, read 71,645 times
Reputation: 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2mares View Post
You made your choice back then at least have enough humanity not to screw with their lives now.
I don't want to screw his life, I just want to make myself be known now that I know where he is and he can decide for himself. I'm not expecting that he'll want to be my best friend but I would like if he could hear my story.
 
Old 11-25-2013, 03:08 PM
 
Location: The Great West
2,077 posts, read 2,006,853 times
Reputation: 4068
Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamMessMaker View Post
I'm thinking about him. I simply want to meet him and let him decide what he wants to do. He's a grown up.
Fair enough, but be prepared if he doesn't want to ever see you again or if he reacts to this with anger.

He is around my age and many people around my age who have parents that abandoned them are still bitter about it. And some people don't really care anymore.
 
Old 11-25-2013, 03:17 PM
 
68 posts, read 71,645 times
Reputation: 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
Do you really wanna just walk up to your son and say HI and crush his world? Not just will he be totally confused about you, he might be also extremely mad at his mom for maybe making up a story.
I'm sure if I try to reach him through her, she won't allow it out of revenge. That's what I fear.
 
Old 11-25-2013, 03:31 PM
 
68 posts, read 71,645 times
Reputation: 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nallia1 View Post
Yes, Eve! Thank you for stating what was burning deep within me. I feel disgust at you OP for all the years that you neglected that young boy. Years that you will never get back. I realize that you are contrite now but unless your ex- is an angel, it will be quite hard to get back into the picture with her blessing (as it sounds like you treated her very shabbily).

Hindsight is of course 20/20 and I am glad that you have decided to be a better person. Now in (or approaching) your 50s and alone, I am sure you can appreciate how empty the fast life is... I'm sorry to lay this on you like this but this is a pickle you're in and I would be doing you an injustice by sugar-coating it.
Please don't be disgusted, I'm not a bad guy, I just did what I thought was best for me at the time. You are right, I'm 64 and the come down of the fast life is depressing. I've achieved a lot professionally, partied a lot, visited over 100 countries but still, I hate coming back home.
 
Old 11-25-2013, 03:40 PM
 
68 posts, read 71,645 times
Reputation: 39
Quote:
Originally Posted by akck View Post
Before you do anything, what is it you hope to accomplish with meeting him? Do you want to become a part of his life? Do you just want to meet him once and then disappear again? Are you going to intrude on his and his mother's life? If contact happens, are you going to have it meet on your terms or his terms? Whatever you do, don't ruin his life twice.
I just want him to know who his biological father is. Of course we would meet on his terms. If we wants me to be part of his life, that's up for him to decide. If he wants to meet me, I won't leave again.
 
Old 11-25-2013, 03:47 PM
 
68 posts, read 71,645 times
Reputation: 39
I don't know who moved this but I don't think Adoption isn't the right category. We're not talking about adoption.
 
Old 11-25-2013, 03:58 PM
 
16,564 posts, read 13,986,594 times
Reputation: 20517
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
There's a good chance she told your son what you said and did. I would expect him to be indifferent at best and openly hostile at worst. If she made up a story about your whereabouts, he still might be harboring a lot of ill will that you never tried to contact him. I think the chance that he will forgive you is pretty slim.
I actually think there is a really good chance she did not tell him. Mothers want to not hurt their children and there is no way to tell a child "you father wanted to abort you" and not scar them. Most of the moms I know in this situation (all two of them) have given some version of "your father just wasn't ready to be a father, he was just young and immature, and I wanted you so badly that I was willing to raise you alone".

The OP didn't really reject his son, he rejected being a father, they are not technically the same even though they look similar from the outside.

I think the OP should send his son a letter, addressed to him, calling him by name, expressing his regrets and his gratitude to his ex for doing all the parenting. And then offer to honestly answer any questions the young man might have. And OP, be prepared for him to be very, very mad at you.
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