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Old 11-26-2013, 12:52 PM
 
Location: Bloomington IN
6,512 posts, read 7,760,277 times
Reputation: 15868

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Only you can allow some one to use you in the way you allow your mother to do e.g. the escorting, shopping, etc.

Get a job. Move out with your son. I assume you're an adult, and it's time to act like one. You're in charge of your own life. Change it or not. Either is a choice you make.
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Old 11-26-2013, 12:53 PM
 
7,310 posts, read 4,938,475 times
Reputation: 6330
Can you buy a space heater?

Unfortunately, it's her house, her rules. Moms don't compromise (I know this from experience). The alternative is being homeless, so I would learn to make concessions for her.
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Old 11-26-2013, 01:20 PM
 
32,532 posts, read 30,578,600 times
Reputation: 32341
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyHitchhiker View Post
I want my son to be happy and cannot afford to live another 30 years in a dysfunctional family but this is killing me no matter what I try.
In 30 years you'll still be with your mother?

Yikes. Most people who are as unhappy as you seem to be make plans to be out from other Mom's influence. They do what needs to be done to be self-supporting. They aren't thinking about being with her in 30 years.
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Old 11-26-2013, 02:04 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,483 posts, read 43,636,396 times
Reputation: 47246
I lived in a multi generational 4,000 sq ft house and it was just as miserable as your situation sounds. And we were paying the mortgage although my mother helped with a good down payment. She made life miserable for our kids, embarrassing them to the point they would not bring friends home. I went out of my way to make wonderful meals-she was a terrible cook- and she never complimented me. Once I asked her why and she said "OH I'm afraid if I say I like something I'll see it again the next week" WTF?

She eventually showed severe dementia and after 10 years and an almost divorce I put her in assisted living.

My advice to you is to do whatever it takes- especially growing a very strong backbone- and decide you only have one life to live and you are going to live it to the fullest without your mother. No you do not have to get somebody to take your place. have her contact caregivers to see what is involved financially and physically for her to live alone. You and your son live your own life after you get a job. You have some responsibility to the care of your mother but not to the point your own health is compromised. Maybe if she sees you are serious- it may take your leaving- you can let her know what changes have to take place but don't count on an old woman to change her ways.
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Old 11-26-2013, 02:16 PM
 
10,406 posts, read 8,381,348 times
Reputation: 19135
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyHitchhiker View Post
She's not buying the food...I am. I do the cooking. And, no, I am not happy when someone else does my laundry nor is my son happy when his shirts get ruined. I make a little money online and in odd jobs when she doesn't have/want to go somewhere.

Buy an inexpensive locking chest or trunk and keep the dirty laundry in it until you can handle it yourself. Or just get a lock for your bedroom door, and do the same. Laundry problem solved, though your mother won't like it.
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Old 11-26-2013, 02:18 PM
 
10,406 posts, read 8,381,348 times
Reputation: 19135
I read in another of your posts that your son is nine (or perhaps ten by now) years old. Do you really plan for him to be living with you and your mother when he is 39?? Think about it...
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Old 11-26-2013, 02:32 PM
 
3,965 posts, read 3,195,644 times
Reputation: 12887
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyHitchhiker View Post
Can't get a job unless I can get someone to take my spot here. She refuses to do her own shopping, go out of the house without an escort, and she doesn't cook anymore.

Her house, her rules applies to a limit when it was to be "our" house and a home for my son.
You have no "spot" there. How old is she? 50's? 60's? She can shop. She can cook, I know 8 year olds that can cook. She isnt cooking because you are, she isnt shopping because you are.

Suck it up, or move.
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Old 11-26-2013, 02:37 PM
 
32,532 posts, read 30,578,600 times
Reputation: 32341
Quote:
Originally Posted by aliss2 View Post
Well, you choose to be in this situation. Feel free to gripe all you want, but you've made the choice. Obviously there is some codependency going on here.
The OP also made the choice to let her son pick the city. If there's no decent public transportation, and she has to walk 3 miles to the store, that happened because she decided a kid was going to make the decision on where to live.

Last edited by DewDropInn; 11-26-2013 at 02:45 PM..
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Old 11-26-2013, 02:38 PM
 
1,373 posts, read 2,473,688 times
Reputation: 1426
This can't be life! Why you complaining? Seems like you are having babies in your mothers house which is a no no. Why are you a single parent? Why did you not wait untill marriage then you could reproduce all you want & blow up the heaters. Your mother is a nice woman I would have kicked your ungrateful behind out!
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Old 11-26-2013, 02:40 PM
 
1,373 posts, read 2,473,688 times
Reputation: 1426
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
I lived in a multi generational 4,000 sq ft house and it was just as miserable as your situation sounds. And we were paying the mortgage although my mother helped with a good down payment. She made life miserable for our kids, embarrassing them to the point they would not bring friends home. I went out of my way to make wonderful meals-she was a terrible cook- and she never complimented me. Once I asked her why and she said "OH I'm afraid if I say I like something I'll see it again the next week" WTF?

She eventually showed severe dementia and after 10 years and an almost divorce I put her in assisted living.

My advice to you is to do whatever it takes- especially growing a very strong backbone- and decide you only have one life to live and you are going to live it to the fullest without your mother. No you do not have to get somebody to take your place. have her contact caregivers to see what is involved financially and physically for her to live alone. You and your son live your own life after you get a job. You have some responsibility to the care of your mother but not to the point your own health is compromised. Maybe if she sees you are serious- it may take your leaving- you can let her know what changes have to take place but don't count on an old woman to change her ways.
This is NOT the same situation though. Seems like YOU were paying the bills primarily mortgage. Here the situation is reversed OP is a lych a very fertile one at that!
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