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Old 11-26-2013, 04:51 PM
 
10,366 posts, read 8,372,005 times
Reputation: 19119

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Quote:
Originally Posted by angrymillionaire View Post
This can't be life! Why you complaining? Seems like you are having babies in your mothers house which is a no no. Why are you a single parent? Why did you not wait untill marriage then you could reproduce all you want & blow up the heaters. Your mother is a nice woman I would have kicked your ungrateful behind out!
This doesn't appear to be this poster's situation, as she and her nine-year-old son (far from a baby, much less "babies" - he seems to be an only child) and her mother decided to move in together in a smaller town than that in which she previously lived, just a few months ago.

Read her posts on other threads for a fuller understanding of her situation - you're jumping to very incorrect conclusions and being inappropriately judgmental.
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Old 11-26-2013, 06:33 PM
 
11,636 posts, read 20,394,104 times
Reputation: 12159
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyHitchhiker View Post
This situation is going to kill me. I live in a 2 bedroom home with my mother and son. I do all the cooking, cleaning, provide escort, grocery shopping, remind on appointments, etc. She bought the home because she wanted one. We moved to another state where she could afford a home because she wanted one. My son picked the city we live in. I want my son to be happy and cannot afford to live another 30 years in a dysfunctional family but this is killing me no matter what I try.

She insists on keeping the house at 62 and tells us to "put on more clothing" if we say its cold in the house for us. She wears long johns 10 months out of the year in addition to a fleece pullover and another 2 shirts.

My son will ask her to play a game and she refuses, she complains about him making too much noise, not eating enough, having a bad attitude, and other daily crap. She insists on doing everyone's laundry rather than let me take care of me and my son's stuff.

I cook for everyone then she says it's not what she wanted so I fix her something else. The town we moved to does not have a good transit system so I have to walk up to 3 miles to the store and back depending on what we want. I don't have a car or a job so it's not like I can up and leave.

Her personal habits are disgusting. I know she is my mother but one still needs to have some dignity. My son likes his school so I have to make this work.

If you live in a multigenerational household how do you do it?
Get a job and move out.
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Old 11-26-2013, 08:37 PM
 
Location: Lafayette, LA
3,360 posts, read 2,685,658 times
Reputation: 7550
This doesn't sound like it has anything to do with multi-generational living. You mother sounds like a control freak. You and your son need to get away from that. Whatever it takes.
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Old 11-27-2013, 05:19 AM
 
Location: Warren County and loving it!
5,313 posts, read 7,556,370 times
Reputation: 2880
Your mom sounds like she may be depressed. Just a hunch. When you get a chance, please talk to her doctor about this. She may feel so upset and out of control that this may be her way of retaining at least some sort of normal for herself.
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Old 11-27-2013, 09:49 AM
 
47,576 posts, read 60,509,450 times
Reputation: 22276
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyHitchhiker View Post
She's not buying the food...I am. I do the cooking. And, no, I am not happy when someone else does my laundry nor is my son happy when his shirts get ruined. I make a little money online and in odd jobs when she doesn't have/want to go somewhere.
Then get a real job with a real income and move into your own place.

At age 62, she is likely perfectly able-bodied and capable of taking care of herself. Otherwise she can go to an adult assisted living place.

Don't raise your child in a miserable home. Complaining about 62 degrees makes me think it's as much you as it is your mother. You can put on a sweater in the winter. I expect my kids to put on extra clothes in the winter also -- I keep my house quite a bit colder than 62.
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Old 11-28-2013, 02:57 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,932 posts, read 17,228,282 times
Reputation: 40926
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyHitchhiker View Post
Can't get a job unless I can get someone to take my spot here. She refuses to do her own shopping, go out of the house without an escort, and she doesn't cook anymore.

Her house, her rules applies to a limit when it was to be "our" house and a home for my son.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CraigCreek View Post
Do you have any personal income? It's your mother's house, so she gets to call the shots - to a point. It sounds as if you are being an unpaid drudge/Cinderella, and I am sure that's not what you want. But - it's her house, and if you are not paying rent, paying your share of household bills, groceries, etc. - then she is providing you and your son a home and definitely gets to say how she wants things to be.

So - can you find a job, even part-time? Do you have a bicycle, or can you find a cheap one at a thrift shop? Can you have a garage or yard sale when spring comes? Do you have a separate savings or checking account? Do you receive child support or other assistance for your son? Is your mother bankrolling you and your son at present? Do you and your son have health insurance? Is your mother on Medicare or Medicaid?

It sounds as if your situation is becoming increasingly untenable, so start doing whatever is necessary to
physically remove yourself from it. It might be quite possible to find a reasonably priced rental house or apartment close by, so you can keep an eye on your mother and help her appropriately - but your present situation is not good for anyone.

How old is your mother, and how old is your son? You mention not wanting to live as you are for another 30 years - what's up with that?? Surely your son will be grown long before then. Is it likely your mother will still be living in 30 years? What about your own future??

Is there a senior citizen agency of some kind in your community, which might offer some help? How is your mother's health in general? Is she mobile? Does she get out of the house at all? Do you have a church which could help in some way?
Quote:
Originally Posted by carnivalday View Post
You have no "spot" there. How old is she? 50's? 60's? She can shop. She can cook, I know 8 year olds that can cook. She isnt cooking because you are, she isnt shopping because you are.

Suck it up, or move.
I may have missed information that was posted in a different thread, however some things seem really "off".

Most 62 year old women are active, vital women. The ones that I know are all working full time plus being full time homemakers (cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, errands) plus traveling & have active social lives or else are retired and doing all those things. If your mother is just a manipulative b**** that is one thing. But, if your mother is disabled and unable to leave the house, unable to live alone, unable to shop or cook then that is a different matter all together. C-D has a wonderful section on Caregiving with many caring and thoughtful posters who can help you with questions about what to do when your mother is disabled. If she is disabled perhaps she qualifies for some type of community services, At her age, maybe there are also services just for the "elderly". You will also find out that on the Caregiving section that some adult children will simple refuse to help their elderly parents and in most situations that is perfectly legal.

It sounds like some poor decisions were made in the past, such as moving to a house that is 3 miles from the grocery store when you don't have a car. The past is done all you can do is try to fix the future. If your mother is disabled many cities, even very small ones, have transportation options for the elderly and handicapped. Maybe your mother can do the grocery shopping via handicapped van once a week. She may be more appreciative of what you need to do and may buy foods that she enjoys more.

Or you can find ways to help make it easier for you. Is there some service or craft that you can barter with a neighbor for the chance to ride with her once or twice a week to the grocery store? Some grocery stores even have a delivery service for a very small fee. Or maybe you can find someone on Craigslist or through a local church who can help you with occasional transportation.

There were a few great tips. If she does a crappy job of doing the laundry then just do your own. My husband is a perfectionist. After we married he discovered that I sorted clothing for washing differently than he did (ie. not "correct"). He wasn't happy with it and decided to take over laundry duty. He has been doing all of the laundry for the last 36 years. It is one less thing for me to think about. People do laundry "differently". If you don't like her way just lock your dirty clothes away until you can do them.

At our house, if you didn't like the meal that the cook made you went hungry or you fixed your own food. It didn't matter if you were 3 years old, 13 years old or 30 years old. The cook never made separate meals (unless you were a baby). When our daughter was a Vegan (no milk, no meat, no eggs, no cheese) from age 13 to when she went to college (and beyond). She made all of her own meals, unless she could share something like a salad, fruit or vegetable that I made for the family meal.

I wish you luck. It sounds like a situation that is difficult but hopefully can be fixed.
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Old 11-28-2013, 05:41 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,932 posts, read 17,228,282 times
Reputation: 40926
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I may have missed information that was posted in a different thread, however some things seem really "off".

Most 62 year old women are active, vital women. The ones that I know are all working full time plus being full time homemakers (cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, errands) plus traveling & have active social lives or else are retired and doing all those things. If your mother is just a manipulative b**** that is one thing. But, if your mother is disabled and unable to leave the house, unable to live alone, unable to shop or cook then that is a different matter all together. C-D has a wonderful section on Caregiving with many caring and thoughtful posters who can help you with questions about what to do when your mother is disabled. If she is disabled perhaps she qualifies for some type of community services, At her age, maybe there are also services just for the "elderly". You will also find out that on the Caregiving section that some adult children will simple refuse to help their elderly parents and in most situations that is perfectly legal.

It sounds like some poor decisions were made in the past, such as moving to a house that is 3 miles from the grocery store when you don't have a car. The past is done all you can do is try to fix the future. If your mother is disabled many cities, even very small ones, have transportation options for the elderly and handicapped. Maybe your mother can do the grocery shopping via handicapped van once a week. She may be more appreciative of what you need to do and may buy foods that she enjoys more.

Or you can find ways to help make it easier for you. Is there some service or craft that you can barter with a neighbor for the chance to ride with her once or twice a week to the grocery store? Some grocery stores even have a delivery service for a very small fee. Or maybe you can find someone on Craigslist or through a local church who can help you with occasional transportation.

There were a few great tips. If she does a crappy job of doing the laundry then just do your own. My husband is a perfectionist. After we married he discovered that I sorted clothing for washing differently than he did (ie. not "correct"). He wasn't happy with it and decided to take over laundry duty. He has been doing all of the laundry for the last 36 years. It is one less thing for me to think about. People do laundry "differently". If you don't like her way just lock your dirty clothes away until you can do them.

At our house, if you didn't like the meal that the cook made you went hungry or you fixed your own food. It didn't matter if you were 3 years old, 13 years old or 30 years old. The cook never made separate meals (unless you were a baby). When our daughter was a Vegan (no milk, no meat, no eggs, no cheese) from age 13 to when she went to college (and beyond). She made all of her own meals, unless she could share something like a salad, fruit or vegetable that I made for the family meal.

I wish you luck. It sounds like a situation that is difficult but hopefully can be fixed.
I just realized that the original post said that she kept the house at 62 degrees not that she is 62 years old. How old is she? Is she disabled? That may help us give better advice and more accurate suggestions.
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Old 11-28-2013, 07:14 PM
 
95 posts, read 345,175 times
Reputation: 109
She is in her 70's, has macular degeneration, on anti-depressants for the past 10 years (after a breakdown because I moved out of the house and other things), and has trouble walking straight because of the medicine she's on.
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Old 11-28-2013, 07:52 PM
 
Location: southwestern PA
20,419 posts, read 37,511,169 times
Reputation: 39036
If she is "in her 70s", why did you write this...

Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyHitchhiker View Post
I want my son to be happy and cannot afford to live another 30 years in a dysfunctional family but this is killing me no matter what I try.
?

Her health is declining. I really doubt you will have to deal with this for 30 more years.
PLUS, your son will be off to college/out of the house in less than 10 years.
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Old 11-28-2013, 08:02 PM
 
10,366 posts, read 8,372,005 times
Reputation: 19119
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyHitchhiker View Post
She is in her 70's, has macular degeneration, on anti-depressants for the past 10 years (after a breakdown because I moved out of the house and other things), and has trouble walking straight because of the medicine she's on.

How long has it been since your mother has seen the doctor and had a complete physical and work-up with labs? Clearly her meds need adjustment, if she cannot walk straight.

Are you perhaps blaming yourself for your mother's breakdown? Did she expect you to live at home with her and never leave? Was this a self-fulfilling prophecy, perhaps?

Are you an only child, and do you - and your mother - have any other relatives nearby? She sounds as if she could greatly benefit from a variety of senior services - what is available in your community?
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