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Old 11-28-2013, 09:58 PM
 
1,866 posts, read 2,253,679 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mizzlea View Post
I graduated from college a couple years ago. The last few months in school, I was upset, anxious, and depressed about college and the future. I didn't have the "typical college experience". I commuted to school, I made very few friends, had no job lined up, loans piled up. Because of all those things, I decided I would not attend the graduation ceremony. My mom wasn't happy to hear that and insisted I go so I decided to go anyway. After the ceremony, I asked her to go out to eat with me. It was a Friday afternoon. She said no because she was tired from the ceremony and had to go care for her mother. (My grandmother had been sick for a few years and my mom was her caretaker but there was someone available to care for her that day.) The rest of the day I felt pretty miserable and I spent a few days crying like a baby.
I guess you could say it's my own fault for not having my own friends and making my own plans. Or you could say I should just get over it. But every time I think about it, it still makes me sad even though it's been a few years. I still feel like my mom should have made a small effort to do something special on my graduation day. Especially when she knew I was feeling so unhappy. My mother and I have a pretty good relationship. The topic came up today and my mom was surprised that I would even bring this up. I even teared up about it. She thinks I'm being ridiculous and I should just be thankful that I graduated. Am I being petty?
Don't worry, mine didn't do anything for me either. My grandmother was proud and that was all I needed. It's your day so do what you want, but no, I don't think you are being petty. It's a lifetime achievement that you want your family to be there for.

 
Old 11-28-2013, 10:07 PM
 
Location: East of Seattle since 1992, originally from SF Bay Area
29,517 posts, read 54,065,915 times
Reputation: 30736
My parents showed up for the graduation ceremony as did my "future-in-laws" but there was no party. And that was in the late 70s. Even then people were expected to graduate from college, it's not a big deal. Parties were more for the groups of friends/roomates. I was also a college commuter but remember having get-togethers a few times for a few drinks after finals, but most of the time we left school and went to work or home to study.
 
Old 11-28-2013, 11:24 PM
 
2,839 posts, read 4,969,248 times
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I have to agree with the others, in the grand scheme of everything that goes on in life, a party wasn't that important. Who would she have invited? You said yourself you had no friends...

At some point you have to let things go. Be glad that's (apparently) the worst thing that ever happened to you.
 
Old 11-28-2013, 11:52 PM
 
16,487 posts, read 21,015,724 times
Reputation: 16171
Quote:
Originally Posted by mizzlea View Post
I graduated from college a couple years ago. The last few months in school, I was upset, anxious, and depressed about college and the future. I didn't have the "typical college experience". I commuted to school, I made very few friends, had no job lined up, loans piled up. Because of all those things, I decided I would not attend the graduation ceremony. My mom wasn't happy to hear that and insisted I go so I decided to go anyway. After the ceremony, I asked her to go out to eat with me. It was a Friday afternoon. She said no because she was tired from the ceremony and had to go care for her mother. (My grandmother had been sick for a few years and my mom was her caretaker but there was someone available to care for her that day.) The rest of the day I felt pretty miserable and I spent a few days crying like a baby.
I guess you could say it's my own fault for not having my own friends and making my own plans. Or you could say I should just get over it. But every time I think about it, it still makes me sad even though it's been a few years. I still feel like my mom should have made a small effort to do something special on my graduation day. Especially when she knew I was feeling so unhappy. My mother and I have a pretty good relationship. The topic came up today and my mom was surprised that I would even bring this up. I even teared up about it. She thinks I'm being ridiculous and I should just be thankful that I graduated. Am I being petty?
Well at this point, years later, yes I would say you are being petty. I can understand why you were upset that nothing special was done for you. I think at the very least your mom should have gone out to eat with you at some point. I think I would express to her your fewelings and then leave it alone and let it go. Many years ago I got married. All of my family live in another state, but it was my first marriage and I was the oldest child and they were all invited of course. NO ONE from my family attended my wedding. All of my husbands family and other relative of his came as well, some from other states. This upset me a great deal and did for many years. I finally realized it was said and done, nothing could be changed about it, and it made no sense to hold onto those feelings, so I didn't.
 
Old 11-29-2013, 12:02 AM
 
Location: Tulsa, OK
2,572 posts, read 3,512,569 times
Reputation: 2387
Quote:
Originally Posted by mizzlea View Post
I graduated from college a couple years ago. The last few months in school, I was upset, anxious, and depressed about college and the future. I didn't have the "typical college experience". I commuted to school, I made very few friends, had no job lined up, loans piled up. Because of all those things, I decided I would not attend the graduation ceremony. My mom wasn't happy to hear that and insisted I go so I decided to go anyway. After the ceremony, I asked her to go out to eat with me. It was a Friday afternoon. She said no because she was tired from the ceremony and had to go care for her mother. (My grandmother had been sick for a few years and my mom was her caretaker but there was someone available to care for her that day.) The rest of the day I felt pretty miserable and I spent a few days crying like a baby.
I guess you could say it's my own fault for not having my own friends and making my own plans. Or you could say I should just get over it. But every time I think about it, it still makes me sad even though it's been a few years. I still feel like my mom should have made a small effort to do something special on my graduation day. Especially when she knew I was feeling so unhappy. My mother and I have a pretty good relationship. The topic came up today and my mom was surprised that I would even bring this up. I even teared up about it. She thinks I'm being ridiculous and I should just be thankful that I graduated. Am I being petty?
Is this a joke??? You need to put on your big girl panties and get a life!

Last edited by okie1962; 11-29-2013 at 12:16 AM..
 
Old 11-29-2013, 12:43 AM
 
12,575 posts, read 13,984,589 times
Reputation: 34459
Quote:
Originally Posted by okie1962 View Post
Is this a joke??? You need to put on your big girl panties and get a life!
Lawdie! Yes. Still "tearing up about it" years later. The mother is right: Ridiculous.

Mizzlea, life is gonna whup you big time across the side of your head, if you don't grow up and move on fast.
 
Old 11-29-2013, 05:59 AM
 
Location: North Carolina
2,657 posts, read 7,169,781 times
Reputation: 4297
Quote:
Originally Posted by mizzlea View Post
I am now gainfully employed and I am thankful for that. Sadly my grandmother passed away since then. Also, my mother lost her job but I've been very helpful to her financially.
I don't hold a grudge against her for this, that would be silly. I just wish she would acknowledge my feelings and understand how I was feeling at the time.
Perhaps if the circumstances had been different: no sick parent, no weariness and worry that comes from being a caregiver, your mother might have focused on you and your accomplishment.

You say you aren't holding a grudge, but your definition must be skewed. "I just wish she would acknowledge my feelings and understand how I was feeling at the time" - she doesn't and won't. Likely because she was in a tiring caregiver role and is in a different life stage. Reaching middle age, one looks back and discovers a lot of things to regret, be sad about, wish you had changed. In 20 years, you'll be looking back and realizing that not having a graduation party is one of the more trivial events for which you wish a do-over.

Best to just move on and concentrate on helping your mom get back on her feet. Job hunting in middle age is not a fun pursuit. Your unspoken resentment shouldn't be clouding your relationship
 
Old 11-29-2013, 06:09 AM
 
Location: Little Pond Farm
559 posts, read 1,208,433 times
Reputation: 496
Petty? I don't think so. Graduating College is a big deal and one that should be celebrated. When my son graduated HS, his father being the narcissist he is, told his side of the family not to attend the graduation or a party I planned on having for him to celebrate. It was a life/relationship altering experience for my son who even now 4 years later is hurt by his fathers actions. A nice lunch would have been a gesture that could have made your day and after the grind of college, you deserved your moment. MY AH ex didn't even attend my Daughters College Graduation and I will never forgive him for doing that to her.
 
Old 11-29-2013, 07:10 AM
 
Location: North Carolina
2,657 posts, read 7,169,781 times
Reputation: 4297
Quote:
Originally Posted by meekocat View Post
This is too good to not respond to. Just to put it out there, Mom thinking Kid is being ridiculous is the bigger problem. Mom may have learned from it but would it have killed her to just say I am so sorry I had no idea it was so important to you!
That's what struck me as well. If this was just a one-off; mom generally doesn't have a sneering attitude toward her kid's feelings; then I'd just brush it off as weariness and worry from her caretaker role. That shouldn't be discounted by the OP as to the reason for her mother's attitude. If it develops into a pattern, or if the mother has always dismissed and diminished her daughter's feelings as whiny, puling and not worth validation, then I'd say that an assessment by the daughter of her relationship with her mother needs to be examined.

An attitude I have tried to maintain about this board is that people come here looking for advice and validation - basically asking the lot of us to be armchair psychiatrists, at times. It would probably be better if they wrote to Dear Abby or one of the other advice columnists, but they want an instant response and come here. We're being asked to take on a very big responsibility. That's what I try to keep in mind in considering a response. Of course, it is also up to the OP to know how to filter genuine attempts to guide and give advice from the responses that are simply opinion and prejudice.
 
Old 11-29-2013, 08:08 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,888 posts, read 17,196,676 times
Reputation: 40787
I was thinking about this thread late last night.

I'm wondering if the OP was asking more about "missed signals" between her and her mother than this specific incident. Occasionally one of my children or husband will bring up a situation from the past and we will talk about it as a learning experience. Usually, it is something where the communication got screwed up and we will discuss what to do next time.

One of us will say "I had no idea that you meant XYZ. I thought that you meant ABC" and we decide that the next time each of will be clearer or will honestly say "You are missing the point. I really need/want/feel XYZ" or "This thing is very important to me right now."

It isn't because the person has been obsessed with that specific situation it is more that there was a mix-up and the person uses that situation as an example to help prevent future mix-ups.

-----

Sometimes my family will even do a little "trick" to gauge how important something is to the other person. It sounds really dorky but it works for us. Let's say my husband wants to go to an event and I don't (or vice versa) we will put a point value on it. My husband might say "Going to this football game, with you, is 9 out of 10 in importance to me". So, my 4 out 10 for not going is superseded and we go.

It sounds even dorkier now that I wrote it down, but it really works. Saying "I will enjoy it a 2 out 10" is much more graphic than just saying "I don't want to go". And saying it is a 8, 9 or 10 shows just how important it really is to someone. We may only do this once every few months but when we do use this trick it has been very helpful.
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