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I haven't spoken to my dad and stepmom in three years; the reason being primarily him. In the last decade he became a real blank-hole, and I got sick of it. He acts like I am a dissapointment because I am different from him. We don't have a father-son relationship; it feels more like a professional, very formal and cold relationship. He does several things that bother me; every year he goes to the Outer Banks to go windsurfing, and he passes by me every time but does not stop to visit. He never reaches out to me; I'm always having to reach out to him. I cannot have a conversation with him unless it's about something he's interested in, and never once takes an active interest in my interests, and that goes back to that treating me like I let him down. He denies that we are anything alike, nevermind the fact that people mistake us for brothers. Much of this started when he got engaged to my stepmom.
I also harbor a lot of anger and bitterness towards him. I was the result of a one-night-stand. I didn't meet my father until I was eight, and the story I was told by my other stepmom (his first wife) is that she had to convince him to be a part of my life. If I was ever to knock someone up, not only would be a huge part of that child's life, but I wouldn't shut up about how much we look alike.
This week, my stepmom e-mailed me, and I really want to reach out to her. She is an absolute sweetheart, and frankly I wonder what she ever saw in him. I want very much to be reunited, but I want to do it more for her than him; frankly, if they ever split she'd be in my life while I cut him out entirely. I want to lay everything out on the table so that we can begin healing. One of those things that I want to say is that he become a major douche-nozzle after they got married, but I don't want to make it sound like I blame her for his actions. What would be the best way to do this?
You do what you gotta do, reaching out and reuniting with him and your stepmom. If he doesn't want to be a part of your life, let him know that the feeling is mutual. In the end, he's still your father no matter what, so do not hate him; that goes without saying.
Toxic people do not belong in your life, regardless of their relationship with you. He has been hurtful to you throughout the years, and it's likely this will never change.
If you want to pursue a relationship with your stepmother, do it! Just make sure to have boundaries around not talking about your father. It's easy for relationships like that to become toxic mainly because you might feel the need to talk about him often. He is the link between you two, really.
You can start healing now without laying it all on the table. It's obvious he doesn't care what you think so telling him these things will just make him "win." He wants to frustrate you and make you feel poorly about yourself. Being happy for yourself is the best way to move on.
Really, there is no nice way to say your father is a DN without making it seem like your stepmother was the catalyst for this behavior. This might sour your relationship with her.
You say you still harbor a lot of anger and bitterness toward him. Communicating to someone when you're feeling an extreme is not a good idea. Regardless of what you think of him, you won't feel any better. Just my thoughts since being estranged from my own parents.
What a complicated situation. I'm not sure where to start.
You state that you harbor anger and bitterness towards him, in part because you didn't meet him until you were eight. There may be a lot more to the story than your biological parents told you. Did your father even know that you existed? Some unwed mothers do not even tell the fathers right away, if at all.
OTOH if your father was very, very young or married at the time it is likely that having a one night stand resulting in a child, and possibly/probably 18 years of child support may have really been disruptive to his life. That is no reason for him to be a jerk to you but it may help explain his thinking.
Does he have other children born in wedlock? Seeing them every day and raising them with a loving spouse may have caused him to act more loving towards them. If he doesn't have other children maybe he truly hates being a father and never, ever wanted to be a father (then, of course, he should have used contraception).
What good would it do to call him names or "lay everything out on the table"? I suspect that it would make matters even worse. Perhaps just email your stepmom back and make arrangements for all of you to meet to have a nice lunch together or something.
Good luck to you.
I'll be very honest, it has been my experience that most children born of one night stands have very, very limited contact if any with their biological fathers. It is sad but that is the reality.
PS. I don't mean to sound harsh but perhaps it would be better to find other males, such as male relatives of your mother, older friends & neighbors, professors or business friends to act as a mentors or "father figures" to you. Again, I don't mean to be blunt or harsh but even children born into established relationships/marriages may end up with crappy, deadbeat or non-existent fathers.
I am so sorry but you may need to face the facts of your situation. I am assuming that you are an adult so you have had at least ten years for your father to build a relationship with you and he has not done that. Keep in contact with your stepmom/s if you desire to do that.
Last edited by germaine2626; 11-30-2013 at 07:29 PM..
Reason: added PS
You don't owe this guy anything. If you'd like to have a relationship with your stepmother, go for it.
Your father sounds like a very messed up and unpleasant guy. It sucks you got stuck with a crappy father, but trust me, you're not alone.
So go ahead and contact your stepmom. Keep things polite and formal with your dad. I honestly don't think there's any benefit in confronting him, because he sounds like he's fundamentally broken. He's not going to see your point. He's not going to apologize. He's lost in his own brand of crazy. Don't give him the weight of significance in your life, and you'll be much happier.
Sometimes we get ideal parents, and sometimes we don't.
Honestly, after reading your post, I would not advise reaching out to your dad. It really sounds like you're chasing an ideal that you really never had.
Your dad sounds like a textbook narcissist. He probably never will give you what you need.
Your stepmom is a grown woman; if you want to reach out to her, go for it.
You've mentioned two stepmoms. Is your mom in your life?
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