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Old 12-01-2013, 03:55 PM
 
Location: Dallas TX
14,993 posts, read 21,639,193 times
Reputation: 22099

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Quote:
Originally Posted by brienzi View Post
I can totally relate, yet when you say totally bizarre maybe the issues r medical. My mother has the early signs of Dementia/Alzheimer's so matter what i say it doesn't always get through. She has good and bad days and just try to be patient while keeping in mind my mom is ill, cherishing the good days..
I was thinking this may be the reason why. Sadly there aren't any good days. This was the first time she has traveled by herself isn't den years. You would think she would want to have fun and not complain about everything!
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Old 12-01-2013, 04:03 PM
 
3,737 posts, read 9,571,965 times
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Nope, don't agree it is medical. There are people out there just like your mom. Best to just limit time since you are not going to change her. She does not have to come to visit you or if she does, she can stay elsewhere like a hotel so you have an out when things are too crazy and you can take her there when it gets too much.

I often feel that toxic elders need to be treated with toddler rules. Explain issue and consequences of actions. Follow thru with consequences immediately and directly when the issue arises. For example, my mom used to gossip constantly on our phone calls and the gossip was always about people I did not know and situations that did not affect us. She hardly ever gave me any family information and I never knew what was up with the family. I finally had enough and told her that I did not want to hear gossip and if she continued I would hang up. I gave her two warnings and hung up on the next phone call. Problem mostly solved.

You have to be willing to take action and live with the results. Important to see that you mean business. In your mom's case, if she chooses it may mean no more communication. But this would be your mom's decision.

It is also good to not do this in anger as it rapidly becomes a fight and this needs to be calm, clear and with no raised voice at all. Telling her you don't want to be treated as a 5 year old is not clear enough. ps: I love the humor responses given by others and you can always put her to work. If she wants to be a maid, let her do it. Have everything ready for her to clean the bathrooms, kitchen, etc. Maybe even an apron. (but I vote for no more visits longer than 2 days.)
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Old 12-01-2013, 04:27 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 88,302,020 times
Reputation: 39844
Quote:
Originally Posted by veuvegirl View Post
Thanks all for the replies. I have given her boundaries time and time again. She just doesn't get it, and truly thinks she is doing nothing wrong. Totally bizarre.

I can't tell you how many times I told her enough, I heard you, please stop! She keeps going.
She lives out of state, so I just don't know what I will do next time.
please reread what I have already written.

You have made the mistake of continuing to engage her!

She is NEVER going to get that she is "wrong" - quit expecting that

DO NOT tell her to stop or say enough is enough - that ENCOURAGES her to continue.

You simply refuse to say anything to her. You change the subject, even if what she said was said in a question form to try to get you to engage.

You don't tell her you are giving her boundaries, you just create them for yourself, see?
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Old 12-01-2013, 04:37 PM
 
Location: Dallas TX
14,993 posts, read 21,639,193 times
Reputation: 22099
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
please reread what I have already written.

You have made the mistake of continuing to engage her!

She is NEVER going to get that she is "wrong" - quit expecting that

DO NOT tell her to stop or say enough is enough - that ENCOURAGES her to continue.

You simply refuse to say anything to her. You change the subject, even if what she said was said in a question form to try to get you to engage.

You don't tell her you are giving her boundaries, you just create them for yourself, see?
um thanks for being so condescending
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Old 12-01-2013, 04:44 PM
 
Location: Lafayette, LA
3,356 posts, read 2,681,241 times
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I don't understand the need to love and accept the terrible behaviors of a person time and time again, just because this person is your biological mother. Yes, she raised you (from what I can tell from the posts).

If there are no medical reasons for this behavior, and if it's not something that has suddenly started happening, then why does there have to be a next time? If she is as unreasonable and un-moveable as all that, disconnect from her. Yes, she gave birth to you, but that was years ago, no?

I only wish I had been given this advice long ago with my own mother. It would have saved me years of uncertainty and self-questioning.
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Old 12-01-2013, 04:47 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
2,657 posts, read 7,169,187 times
Reputation: 4297
I highly recommend reading this

Malignant Narcissists Get Worse With Age | Sagacious News Network
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Old 12-01-2013, 04:56 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 88,302,020 times
Reputation: 39844
Quote:
Originally Posted by veuvegirl View Post
um thanks for being so condescending
Wow. If you read what I wrote as "condescending" that's all on you.

I promise I had a smile in my voice and was trying to help you see the reality of your situation and how to improve it.
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Old 12-01-2013, 04:57 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 88,302,020 times
Reputation: 39844
Quote:
Originally Posted by puginabug View Post
I don't understand the need to love and accept the terrible behaviors of a person time and time again, just because this person is your biological mother. Yes, she raised you (from what I can tell from the posts).

If there are no medical reasons for this behavior, and if it's not something that has suddenly started happening, then why does there have to be a next time? If she is as unreasonable and un-moveable as all that, disconnect from her. Yes, she gave birth to you, but that was years ago, no?

I only wish I had been given this advice long ago with my own mother. It would have saved me years of uncertainty and self-questioning.

Some people just prefer to make the best of a bad situation rather than avoid the situation altogether.

Many of us aren't willing to just never see our parents again, though being with them has its "challenges".
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Old 12-01-2013, 05:05 PM
 
Location: Dallas TX
14,993 posts, read 21,639,193 times
Reputation: 22099
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Wow. If you read what I wrote as "condescending" that's all on you.

I promise I had a smile in my voice and was trying to help you see the reality of your situation and how to improve it.
Thanks, the icon had me thinking otherwise. Plus I am a bit touchy after dealing with mom!,
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Old 12-01-2013, 05:20 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 88,302,020 times
Reputation: 39844
Quote:
Originally Posted by veuvegirl View Post
Thanks, the icon had me thinking otherwise. Plus I am a bit touchy after dealing with mom!,
oh! Well, I meant the palm slapping as showing exasperation with your mom, not you
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