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Old 12-02-2013, 10:34 AM
 
7,496 posts, read 9,726,980 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
The kids who are texting at the table would just as soon not be there, anyway. So creating more tension to ruin the day by denying dinner to anyone who texts is just going to end up with a tug of war - with kids preferring to not eat and then the parent wars start . . . "get in here and put that phone away" etc.

There could be an hour set aside as "text free" - that might work. But you can't tell a 27 year old he/she isn't going to use his/her cell phone when they are the ones paying the phone bill.

So that is not going to change a thing . . .
Well maybe not getting invited to dinner a couple of times would change their mind. A couple of holidays home alone with their cell phones and no dinner might do wonders since most people are not conditioned to handle being alone.

 
Old 12-02-2013, 10:38 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,046,730 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110 View Post
I don't agree. It's often more effective coming from someone who is NOT the parent, as there is an element of embarrassment to it, and sometimes rude people need to be mortified for them to change their behavior. My sisters would back me up on it if it came to that.

If people start arguments with their table companions, and it's your house, you get to put your hand up and say, "Not today, please."

If it's at someone else's house, you are free to say, loudly, "So, how 'BOUT those awful Giants, eh? Can't BUY a win this season!" or excuse yourself, get up, and walk away. If it's at the table, take a bathroom break. If it's at a buffet, take your plate into another room where there is more agreeable company. That's what I've done.

Or, you can do what I did this year, and not go. I enjoyed a nice, peaceful, quiet day with my pet and a computer game on Thanksgiving rather than listen to my SO's uncle's ignorant political commentary.

People need to learn to speak up or take a stand when others subvert or ruin holidays. Stewing in it and then complaining about it to other people in the family or on a message board after the fact will not get any real results.

My own family doesn't have these problems, and sometimes when I read threads like this, it boggles my mind. Who raises these clueless, self-absorbed people?
Evidently you have not had to deal with folks with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder.

Good for you.

Most families have some mental health issues and there is no curtailing the behaviors with a smart comeback or a change in subject.

If the enabling behavior has been on the part of the elders in the group anything other than walking on eggshells means a powder keg explosion. Some people disengage (text, watch tv, read a book) rather than getting sucked into the drama.

So grats that your family has no such folks in it.
 
Old 12-02-2013, 10:38 AM
 
12,544 posts, read 12,475,698 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Osito View Post
Well maybe not getting invited to dinner a couple of times would change their mind. A couple of holidays home alone with their cell phones and no dinner might do wonders since most people are not conditioned to handle being alone.
That, too, but they need to know why. People who have their phones up their behinds 24-7 generally are too self-absorbed and oblivious to take hints. I would just say, "We're giving you a pass this year because last year it seemed you really didn't want to be there. No worries."

"What do you mean, I didn't want to be there?"

"Well, you hardly spoke to anyone and you were on your phone at the table. So this year you're free to spend the holiday with whoever it was you were texting with last year and would have preferred to be with."

Guilt trip? Maybe. But that's part of the fun of being grandparents, parents, aunts, or uncles, and always being one step ahead of the kids. Rank has its privileges.
 
Old 12-02-2013, 10:38 AM
 
Location: Canada
9,045 posts, read 8,298,162 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by I'm Retired Now View Post
My mother, age 84, feelings were hurt on Thanksgiving.

For the first time in years, the extended family were all together for Thanksgiving in New Jersey (just outside of NYC). Mom and Dad are getting on in the years and we don't know how many more holidays we will have with the them in the future. They were looking forward to seeing and TALKING to the Grandchildren at Thanksgiving.

But once the event started no matter how hard we tried we could not get the teens and "20somethings" eyes off of their SmartPhones and to their relatives who wanted to talk to them face to face. Us parents could have done better but they said you had to pick your battles, most of the younger relatives, ages 12-30 did not even want to be there.

So on Thanksgiving day, most of the kids and young adults (ages 13-30) spent most of their time looking at their SmartPhones and texting. Very few of them said anything to their other relatives face to face using actual voices.

Grandma complained when most of them spent most of the time at the actual Thanksgiving dinner table texting. But her complaints fell on deaf ears.

(On Friday we all went into Manhattan and saw lots of other families having Friday's version of Thanksgiving Dinner at Buco di Beppo, a popular place for large family dinners, spending most of their time texting and not talking to their family.

What a sad state of affairs!
So "how hard" did you try anyway? There are plenty of things we don't want to do in life but that's the way life is, and the earlier kids learn that, the better. Why was the disrespect allowed?
 
Old 12-02-2013, 10:40 AM
 
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It was so quiet at Thanksgiving. The only sound was the fingers on the SmartPhone.

I would have much preferred some arguments and outspoken comments.
 
Old 12-02-2013, 10:41 AM
 
Location: Melbourne, Australia
9,781 posts, read 16,184,264 times
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It's sad that they didn't seem to appreciate or even want to spend time with their grandparents. What is their relationship with them?
 
Old 12-02-2013, 10:43 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,046,730 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Osito View Post
Well maybe not getting invited to dinner a couple of times would change their mind. A couple of holidays home alone with their cell phones and no dinner might do wonders since most people are not conditioned to handle being alone.
Dysfunctional families love creating the drama. If it means creating the drama due to cell phones, then that will be the topic.

Folks who have to deal with craziness w/ family members would typically much prefer to be at home with their cell phones or with their sane friends.
 
Old 12-02-2013, 10:45 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,046,730 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110 View Post
That, too, but they need to know why. People who have their phones up their behinds 24-7 generally are too self-absorbed and oblivious to take hints. I would just say, "We're giving you a pass this year because last year it seemed you really didn't want to be there. No worries."

"What do you mean, I didn't want to be there?"

"Well, you hardly spoke to anyone and you were on your phone at the table. So this year you're free to spend the holiday with whoever it was you were texting with last year and would have preferred to be with."

Guilt trip? Maybe. But that's part of the fun of being grandparents, parents, aunts, or uncles, and always being one step ahead of the kids. Rank has its privileges.
Remember: for a lot of folks, texting while around family members is simply a way to disengage . . . that is the whole point. They don't want to interact. Perhaps the past has taught everyone that engaging only leads to judgmental remarks from aunts, uncles and grandparents . . . or "baiting" or "teasing," all of which are unpleasant when you are 13.

Of course, that might not be the OPs situation at all . . . just throwing it out there.
 
Old 12-02-2013, 10:46 AM
 
12,544 posts, read 12,475,698 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
Evidently you have not had to deal with folks with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder.

Good for you.

Most families have some mental health issues and there is no curtailing the behaviors with a smart comeback or a change in subject.

If the enabling behavior has been on the part of the elders in the group anything other than walking on eggshells means a powder keg explosion. Some people disengage (text, watch tv, read a book) rather than getting sucked into the drama.

So grats that your family has no such folks in it.
Mental health issues? Rudeness is not an issue of mental health. It's an issue of poor breeding and child-raising.

And if you (in the general) are an adult, you can act like one, and not kowtow to spoiled offspring who are adults themselves. If they want to make a stink about paying for their phones and therefore feeling like they should be able to use them at someone else's dinner table, then they are adult enough to be reminded that there is a time and place for everything, and again, your house, your rules.

Powder keg explosion? Come on. Who is going to yell and scream at an 84-year-old woman?

As for enablers, people who enable deserve what they get. Yes, it is that simple. You teach people how to treat you.
 
Old 12-02-2013, 10:46 AM
 
Location: In the Pearl of the Purchase, Ky
7,373 posts, read 12,906,554 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nodpete View Post
Apparently there were no adults there, if there had been, a simple "Put your phones away, NOW" should have been sufficient. But then you wouldn't have been a buddy to your brats. Show some authority !
That's the problem, Nodpete. Most parents don't want to tell their adult children anything like this because they're afraid they'll tell them no. A few years ago my wife and I had a family camping trip. One thing we told the kids was no cell phones. 3 did anyway. I asked them to stop and they stopped using it, in front of me. I took care of the matter. That night while most were gone to take a shower, I went in the tents, took the cell phones, and locked them in my car. Made them mad but I don't care. Family time is family time. No phones allowed and I wasn't afraid to make them mad!
When they came down for Thanksgiving, last year and this year, when it was time to eat, there weren't any cell phones being used!
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