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Old 12-05-2013, 07:21 AM
 
Location: East TN
11,046 posts, read 9,686,505 times
Reputation: 40288

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I was thinking SWF also. That was really scary! I know that you want to help her now, part of that is because you couldn't help/protect her when you were kids. You're not kids anymore and she is all grown up and has to take responsibility for her own life. I would not do anything to help her move near you. She is the competitive one and it will only get worse if she works w/ you or lives near you. She does sound like she needs therapy, but you can't make her go. She'll just have to come to that realization herself if you've already suggested it.
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Old 12-05-2013, 08:34 AM
 
7,743 posts, read 15,839,592 times
Reputation: 10451
Quote:
Originally Posted by whatisthedealwith View Post
So what should someone do with a family member like this? I have one in my own life and I am curious.
When I was discussing my MIL long ago, I described her behaviors and asked how I can deal with it, especially with a child in picture. Someone said it sounded like BPD and rec'd a book called "Stop walking on eggshells". Not only does it explain the condition, but it's pretty much on how to empower yourself against this condition. Believe me, it was an extremely helpful book and you could benefit from it as well.
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Old 12-05-2013, 01:30 PM
 
Location: In the city
1,581 posts, read 3,845,959 times
Reputation: 2417
I saw my therapist yesterday and described the visit. She got very alarmed and said that she thinks my sister is delusional, and that I need to protect myself as much as possible. My sister is also addicted to oxycontin for "pain management" and her doctor recently told her that she can no longer keep her as a patient. So I have a feeling the proverbial crap is about to hit the fan. She will require medical intervention for detox and I am not sure that she is willing or even able to understand that.

Sometimes she seems very functional but I am beginning to understand more and more that this is an elaborately created persona.

And I think the do IS the answer. I have TERRIBLE allergies.
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Old 12-05-2013, 01:34 PM
 
Location: The Greater Houston Metro Area
9,053 posts, read 17,159,653 times
Reputation: 15226
Life-threatening allergies. Be sure and use that term.

How is she going to get the oxycontin without a prescription? She may have no choice but to detox.

BTW, how did she think she was going to buy your apartment, if she doesn't even have a job? Has she got a pile of cash sitting around? How IS she supporting herself?
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Old 12-05-2013, 01:57 PM
 
Location: In the city
1,581 posts, read 3,845,959 times
Reputation: 2417
Quote:
Originally Posted by cheryjohns View Post
Life-threatening allergies. Be sure and use that term.

How is she going to get the oxycontin without a prescription? She may have no choice but to detox.

BTW, how did she think she was going to buy your apartment, if she doesn't even have a job? Has she got a pile of cash sitting around? How IS she supporting herself?
She is going to have to detox. She started telling me that her doc is under investigation and she can't get her RX anymore but then sort of changed the subject.

She works-- got her first job last year--and my apartment is a rental. I have been looking to buy a place and it came up in that conversation.
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Old 12-06-2013, 05:24 AM
 
Location: Full time in the RV
3,417 posts, read 7,770,626 times
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This is a side issue but I am wondering about something.

You said in the other thread she is living on student loans up until recently. She has 14+ years of student loans? How old is she?
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Old 12-06-2013, 09:10 AM
 
Location: NoVA
832 posts, read 1,414,513 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RMD3819 View Post
This is a side issue but I am wondering about something.

You said in the other thread she is living on student loans up until recently. She has 14+ years of student loans? How old is she?
I was wondering that too. I've never heard of someone taking 14 years for a PhD. I've heard of people starting their dissertation in the 7th year, getting drunk and not sobering up for 8 years. But I've never heard of an additional 6 years to meaningfully complete it.

To the OP:

I see two issues.

1. Your refusal to tell her like it is and take charge of your own; and
2. Reliance on a sub-par therapist to justify your feelings.

I just made myself laugh because I'm not a therapist and not qualified to say what I've just said, but I'll explain why I've said it.

1. When you catch her rifling through your crap, the "normal" reaction to finding your sibling doing that is "WTF are you doing???" followed by a swift pop in the head.

2. There's no way possible that your therapist could diagnose your sister's issues simply by talking to you.

You didn't call them your psychotherapist and so I'm running on the assumption that your therapist is like the thousands upon thousands of therapists in the US. Someone with a Master's degree and a desire to help others. But they are not qualified really to do more than just listen to you and be your friend.

Furthermore, I'd imagine a psychotherapist would be aware they're only seeing the angle from your lenses, which is not the lens of objective truth and would not offer you a diagnosis on her issues because they do not know them.

So in sum... let her move back into your town. Who cares? You still have your life to live and you're under no obligation to shelter and care for her. Stop focusing on her life and how it bears on yours because it has no bearing on yours unless you let it.

Stop letting it.
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Old 12-06-2013, 09:45 AM
 
Location: In the city
1,581 posts, read 3,845,959 times
Reputation: 2417
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrskay662000 View Post
I was wondering that too. I've never heard of someone taking 14 years for a PhD. I've heard of people starting their dissertation in the 7th year, getting drunk and not sobering up for 8 years. But I've never heard of an additional 6 years to meaningfully complete it.

To the OP:

I see two issues.

1. Your refusal to tell her like it is and take charge of your own; and
2. Reliance on a sub-par therapist to justify your feelings.

I just made myself laugh because I'm not a therapist and not qualified to say what I've just said, but I'll explain why I've said it.

1. When you catch her rifling through your crap, the "normal" reaction to finding your sibling doing that is "WTF are you doing???" followed by a swift pop in the head.

2. There's no way possible that your therapist could diagnose your sister's issues simply by talking to you.

You didn't call them your psychotherapist and so I'm running on the assumption that your therapist is like the thousands upon thousands of therapists in the US. Someone with a Master's degree and a desire to help others. But they are not qualified really to do more than just listen to you and be your friend.

Furthermore, I'd imagine a psychotherapist would be aware they're only seeing the angle from your lenses, which is not the lens of objective truth and would not offer you a diagnosis on her issues because they do not know them.

So in sum... let her move back into your town. Who cares? You still have your life to live and you're under no obligation to shelter and care for her. Stop focusing on her life and how it bears on yours because it has no bearing on yours unless you let it.

Stop letting it.

My therapist has seen her in action firsthand. When we were caretaking for my mother who died earlier this year she came to the house to talk with all of us for several hours about some of the other issues that emerged. Honestly, if you met her you would probably be able to figure out very quickly that something was very wrong whether or not you would put the same label on it.

Its very easy to say "oh don't let it bother you, just pop her in the head" but she is obviously unwell on a lot of levels and "telling her like it is" though satisfying, is not going to go anywhere close to solving the problem; in fact, it will escalate them. I don't think that her issues can be solved at this point, certainly not by me, but I wanted some perspective from others who might have a person like this in their life.
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Old 12-06-2013, 09:55 AM
 
Location: In the city
1,581 posts, read 3,845,959 times
Reputation: 2417
Quote:
Originally Posted by RMD3819 View Post
This is a side issue but I am wondering about something.

You said in the other thread she is living on student loans up until recently. She has 14+ years of student loans? How old is she?

She is 34. She is hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt from loans, but she inherited money when my mom passed away this year (we all did). Instead of paying off the loans, she is hoarding the money.

I honestly don't believe that she was in school the whole time during those 14 years, but that is what she tells everyone. We aren't stupid-- it doesn't take that long and many schools will kick you out after a time.
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Old 12-06-2013, 11:12 AM
 
Location: NoVA
832 posts, read 1,414,513 times
Reputation: 1637
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedasusual View Post
My therapist has seen her in action firsthand. When we were caretaking for my mother who died earlier this year she came to the house to talk with all of us for several hours about some of the other issues that emerged. Honestly, if you met her you would probably be able to figure out very quickly that something was very wrong whether or not you would put the same label on it.

Its very easy to say "oh don't let it bother you, just pop her in the head" but she is obviously unwell on a lot of levels and "telling her like it is" though satisfying, is not going to go anywhere close to solving the problem; in fact, it will escalate them. I don't think that her issues can be solved at this point, certainly not by me, but I wanted some perspective from others who might have a person like this in their life.
As a matter of fact, my family put the "fun" in dysfunctional and I have a sibling exactly like yours.

But perhaps, unlike your family, as a unit, we've decided to deal with her. We call her out on the BS and write her off the rest because we've realized that we've all collectively fueled her fire by not acting as a single unit and depriving it of oxygen is the only way to put it out.

We've shut the doors, closed the windows, walked away, and left her the fire extinguisher to figure out how to use.

Granted... it's taken like 15 years of her dragging us down for us to do this. We still catch her kids who are busting out the windows and making a run for it. But we're no longer inside her fire.

Good luck in finding your "fun".

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