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The next day I got a call that she didn't "connect" with my friends and basically wants to spend time with me one on one. She then proceeded to imply that one of my friends has a substance abuse problem (not true).
She crossed the line with the remark about your friend.
True story - Several years ago I met a date at a local MD racetrack for a day at the races. At the time we lived 50 miles from each other. Even though I never made a firm commitment I had every intention of giving her a ride home (she took the train to get there). And there was the strong possibility of us getting together to spend the night.
I ran into a friend that happened to attend the races that day. She made a remark on his skin color so the date ended right then and there. I told her off and dropped her faster than a NY minute. I hung out with my friend the rest of the day.
That was your escape and it still can be. Tell her flat out you thought about what she said about your friend and find it unforgivable. I would also mention the other reasons too.
I agree with poster Oh-Eve. Be upfront, honest, and to the point. Your move.
Im more of the type that I would just ease away. When she calls to get together, be busy. If she wants you to send more resumes, say you just dont have time. I see no reason to totally cut someone like that off at the ankles, that can create more drama than frankly you need or deserve. Just....stop....
I wouldn't just disappear and cut her off without an explanation. It's not like you two had an argument or anything that would warrant an immediate cutoff.
Write her a letter ---NOT E-MAIL. Explain your feelings as you outlined in your OP. Tell her she is draining the life from you and that you cannot help her because she always finds an excuse not to help herself. Tell you you'll be more than happy to reconnect with her once she has picked up the pieces of her life and is working again but in the meantime, you do not wish to speak with her, see her, or emai/Facebook, etc.
After that? Take no more calls, take her off your Facebook, Instagram, etc., do not answer the door if she stops by.
I don't think you need to completely cut off contact, at least as abruptly as some have suggested. Just make yourself less available, don't return calls till you want to, stop offering assistance or a shoulder to cry on. She's heard your advice. Give her a chance to really need to follow it.
And if by chance she pulls it together, you can allow your friendship to warm up again.
I have a colleague who has been unemployed for an extended period of time (9 months). Honestly, she was overpaid in her previous role and is now coming to grips with some of the harsh realities of this economy. She is low on skills and high on what she thinks she is worth.
I gave her odd jobs and have lent a few hundred dollars once at the beginning of this cycle (not since). She always finds excuses why she can't go to a restaurant and wait tables or apply to jobs at Macy's over the holidays-- bottom line, she thinks she is too good for these roles and would rather just complain and ask for handouts. Meanwhile she drives a Mercedes and wears $500 shoes. I suggest selling some of her high end clothing online, and she wants me to spend hours showing her how. I don't have the time, energy or inclination. She pressures me to send around her resume (we are in the same field) and I have done so, but her expectations are unrealistic. When she gets a bite, she finds a reason why she can't take the job or go to the interview. The story is starting to sound very tired.
Recently she had a birthday. I was going out for dinner that night with a group of friends, so I offered to treat her. I had a moment where I felt badly for her-- alone on her birthday, no income, etc. She came, and we behaved as we normally do, which is to say we had fun, ate and drank at a nice place. The next day I got a call that she didn't "connect" with my friends and basically wants to spend time with me one on one. She then proceeded to imply that one of my friends has a substance abuse problem (not true).
I am about to cut off all contact. Suggestions for what to say or how to approach?
Why disassociate w/her because she told you like it is? You have odd friends and one of them is an addict.
You don't like what she said because it's the truth. Give her kudos for that and respect her boundaries and simply don't include her w/your loser friends. She doesn't like them, she doesn't have to. Unemployed or not she sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. Geez...
Koale
I have a colleague who has been unemployed for an extended period of time (9 months). Honestly, she was overpaid in her previous role and is now coming to grips with some of the harsh realities of this economy. She is low on skills and high on what she thinks she is worth.
I gave her odd jobs and have lent a few hundred dollars once at the beginning of this cycle (not since). She always finds excuses why she can't go to a restaurant and wait tables or apply to jobs at Macy's over the holidays-- bottom line, she thinks she is too good for these roles and would rather just complain and ask for handouts. Meanwhile she drives a Mercedes and wears $500 shoes. I suggest selling some of her high end clothing online, and she wants me to spend hours showing her how. I don't have the time, energy or inclination. She pressures me to send around her resume (we are in the same field) and I have done so, but her expectations are unrealistic. When she gets a bite, she finds a reason why she can't take the job or go to the interview. The story is starting to sound very tired.
Recently she had a birthday. I was going out for dinner that night with a group of friends, so I offered to treat her. I had a moment where I felt badly for her-- alone on her birthday, no income, etc. She came, and we behaved as we normally do, which is to say we had fun, ate and drank at a nice place. The next day I got a call that she didn't "connect" with my friends and basically wants to spend time with me one on one. She then proceeded to imply that one of my friends has a substance abuse problem (not true).
I am about to cut off all contact. Suggestions for what to say or how to approach?
It's not hard..simply make yourself unavailable..Don't take her calls and do not respond to texts, emails, instagrams, twitter, etc. This person exemplifies toxic. Good luck
She crossed the line with the remark about your friend.
True story - Several years ago I met a date at a local MD racetrack for a day at the races. At the time we lived 50 miles from each other. Even though I never made a firm commitment I had every intention of giving her a ride home (she took the train to get there). And there was the strong possibility of us getting together to spend the night.
I ran into a friend that happened to attend the races that day. She made a remark on his skin color so the date ended right then and there. I told her off and dropped her faster than a NY minute. I hung out with my friend the rest of the day.
That was your escape and it still can be. Tell her flat out you thought about what she said about your friend and find it unforgivable. I would also mention the other reasons too.
I agree with poster Oh-Eve. Be upfront, honest, and to the point. Your move.
Wow, that seems kinda harsh considering she took a train 50 miles to see you for the date. Even if she is racist (and you never made a "firm commitment", whatever that means)..I think it was a pretty rotten thing to do...to just abandon her there.
I have a colleague who has been unemployed for an extended period of time (9 months). Honestly, she was overpaid in her previous role and is now coming to grips with some of the harsh realities of this economy. She is low on skills and high on what she thinks she is worth.
I gave her odd jobs and have lent a few hundred dollars once at the beginning of this cycle (not since). She always finds excuses why she can't go to a restaurant and wait tables or apply to jobs at Macy's over the holidays-- bottom line, she thinks she is too good for these roles and would rather just complain and ask for handouts. Meanwhile she drives a Mercedes and wears $500 shoes. I suggest selling some of her high end clothing online, and she wants me to spend hours showing her how. I don't have the time, energy or inclination. She pressures me to send around her resume (we are in the same field) and I have done so, but her expectations are unrealistic. When she gets a bite, she finds a reason why she can't take the job or go to the interview. The story is starting to sound very tired.
Recently she had a birthday. I was going out for dinner that night with a group of friends, so I offered to treat her. I had a moment where I felt badly for her-- alone on her birthday, no income, etc. She came, and we behaved as we normally do, which is to say we had fun, ate and drank at a nice place. The next day I got a call that she didn't "connect" with my friends and basically wants to spend time with me one on one. She then proceeded to imply that one of my friends has a substance abuse problem (not true).
I am about to cut off all contact. Suggestions for what to say or how to approach?
I can understand becoming very weary when dealing with someone in her situation.
Basically it sucks to be her and she is not able or willing to see her reality, as of yet anyway.
If you truly feel you must "cut her off" then do it as honestly but compassionately as possible.
I'd say something like...
Roz, the best relationships are those in which the people involved help one another to grow and be the best they can be. I feel as though you and I are no longer doing that for one another. I mean you no harm and wish you well as you move through this struggle and strife, but I can no longer go through it with you. I'm saying goodbye, even though this is very hard and uncomfortable for both of us. Please don't try to contact me anymore, I won't be available.
I don't think you need to completely cut off contact, at least as abruptly as some have suggested. Just make yourself less available, don't return calls till you want to, stop offering assistance or a shoulder to cry on. She's heard your advice. Give her a chance to really need to follow it.
And if by chance she pulls it together, you can allow your friendship to warm up again.
This has been my strategy. I have been, as the months have passed, less and less likely to respond. I never call her anymore and only really accept texts when I respond at all. I have let her know that she seems unwilling to help herself. Whenever I pull back, she apologizes dramatically and profusely. She is a drama queen.
I find it highly disrespectful to just disappear, no matter how bad a person is.
If I am a person who gets cut off by someone, I would like to know why. If nobody ever tells people how unreasonable they are, how can they change?
I would tell her everything that annoys you and then cut the contact. This is how I always do it and I find it fair.
Yes this. I am going through this now. We had a great day with friends and they got into an argument and have not talked to us since. Which is fine, but tell me you no longer wish to be friends.
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