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Old 12-03-2013, 12:44 PM
 
11 posts, read 12,124 times
Reputation: 18

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First time poster. Not sure if this is the right section or not.

My situation:

About 3 months ago my brother came to be and told me he was leaving his wife and needed a place to stay. I told him he could stay with me. I'm charging him $350 a month. During the 3 months he has been bouncing back and forth between "I'm divorcing her, for certain" and then dating her and spending the night at here place intermittently. It's getting to the point where I'm beginning to think he needs to make a decision.

3 months of waffling on what you're going to do seems like enough time to make a decision. Should I press him for a decision or continue to allow him to keep this going?

Thanks.
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Old 12-03-2013, 12:47 PM
 
16,801 posts, read 14,467,642 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Teddygreen View Post
First time poster. Not sure if this is the right section or not.

My situation:

About 3 months ago my brother came to be and told me he was leaving his wife and needed a place to stay. I told him he could stay with me. I'm charging him $350 a month. During the 3 months he has been bouncing back and forth between "I'm divorcing her, for certain" and then dating her and spending the night at here place intermittently. It's getting to the point where I'm beginning to think he needs to make a decision.

3 months of waffling on what you're going to do seems like enough time to make a decision. Should I press him for a decision or continue to allow him to keep this going?

Thanks.
I know it's frustrating for you, but people need to break up at their own pace. My ex moved out of the house 3 times before it "stuck."

It's not as easy as some of the posters here may think to end a long marriage. In fact, it is one of the hardest things most people have to do in their entire lives.
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Old 12-03-2013, 12:52 PM
 
Location: SacTown
1,260 posts, read 993,076 times
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If he's on time with the rent and not a nuisance, I don't see a problem.
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Old 12-03-2013, 12:53 PM
 
11 posts, read 12,124 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
I know it's frustrating for you, but people need to break up at their own pace. My ex moved out of the house 3 times before it "stuck."

It's not as easy as some of the posters here may think to end a long marriage. In fact, it is one of the hardest things most people have to do in their entire lives.
Thank you for the reply. And I'm definitely leaning towards your advice. I've been through a divorce myself so I know it's not just this easy, cut and dry process. But I feel that my brother is being a bit careless and very indecisive. He has a history of that kind of behavior.
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Old 12-03-2013, 12:57 PM
 
11 posts, read 12,124 times
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Originally Posted by soy sauce View Post
If he's on time with the rent and not a nuisance, I don't see a problem.
This isn't just a tenant/landlord relationship. There's no lease agreement. But yeah, I see what you're saying. It's just that I feel I may be enabling him a little bit. He's got the best of both worlds right now. He's got a comfy place to crash away from his wife and his two stepdaughters and then he's stringing his wife along and hooking up with her when he feels like it. At least, that how it appears to me.
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Old 12-03-2013, 12:57 PM
 
2,764 posts, read 4,126,607 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
I know it's frustrating for you, but people need to break up at their own pace. My ex moved out of the house 3 times before it "stuck."

It's not as easy as some of the posters here may think to end a long marriage. In fact, it is one of the hardest things most people have to do in their entire lives.
I agree with all of this.

BUT, the brothers 3 month indecision is creating an impact on the OP's life.
We dont know the living situation, but unless the OP has a 8 bedroom house, this is likely a possible life change for the OP. Going from no roomate to a on again off again roommate ? How lomg does this go on for ? a year?

I would soon consider being firm with the brother:
"So bro, what are you doing ? Moving out? Breaking up? Moving back ? Gettin together? Should we imform the post office to forward your mail ? Is this permanent ?

Hopefully it registers that, "Oh, I may be causing a slight issue on my brother, maybe I should go back to my wife, cause I obviously cant end things yet."
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Old 12-03-2013, 12:58 PM
 
16,801 posts, read 14,467,642 times
Reputation: 37866
Quote:
Originally Posted by Teddygreen View Post
Thank you for the reply. And I'm definitely leaning towards your advice. I've been through a divorce myself so I know it's not just this easy, cut and dry process. But I feel that my brother is being a bit careless and very indecisive. He has a history of that kind of behavior.
I suspect that once one of them has someone new in their life, the back and forth nonsense will stop. But the drama won't! It might take years for them to fully detach on all levels.
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Old 12-03-2013, 01:07 PM
 
Location: If I tell you, will you visit?
888 posts, read 912,452 times
Reputation: 975
Quote:
Originally Posted by Teddygreen View Post
This isn't just a tenant/landlord relationship. There's no lease agreement. But yeah, I see what you're saying. It's just that I feel I may be enabling him a little bit. He's got the best of both worlds right now. He's got a comfy place to crash away from his wife and his two stepdaughters and then he's stringing his wife along and hooking up with her when he feels like it. At least, that how it appears to me.
Your brother is one of the first real friends you ever had. I understand what a tough decision it must be for you.

Unless you feel he is doing things to deliberately sabotage the rekindling, I would support him for now. Eventually though, he has to be able to express a plan for some sort of closure and healing. If not then he is just lingering and there will be no expectation to change anything.

Welcome BTW
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Old 12-03-2013, 01:13 PM
 
13,675 posts, read 13,514,075 times
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How bad is it affecting YOU though? If it's just mildly annoying, put up with it for the time being. But don't be afraid to draw boundaries if you are being negatively impacted.

If he's doing things that affect your nieces in a negative way, then you should speak up. Otherwise, it's just adults working through their ****.
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Old 12-03-2013, 01:15 PM
 
811 posts, read 1,035,601 times
Reputation: 1432
That's a nice arrangement to take a break from the wife for 350 a month.
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