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I posted back in August (although under a different username) about a situation in my family. I'll try to briefly describe it here:
My 20 yr old nephew, (sister's son) whom I adored, was staying with me for a couple of weeks, and during that time stole some of my gold jewelry. He also stole a necklace of my son's; a treasured item from when we were in the Caribbean many years ago, as well as several very dear pieces of his grandmother's gold (my mother). He had stayed a couple of nights with her while he was here. It was a horribly difficult situation - he had fabricated a story about a gold necklace that he "found", even showed it to me and asked me if it was real. He then took it to a pawn shop and THAT afternoon, showed me the stash of cash, smiling. "Look at what I got for that necklace!!" And I was like...wow...I guess that really was a good piece of gold. SO...he up and left suddenly and later we discovered the missing items. With the help of my son we figured out the pawn shop and found out he had stolen all this stuff....and I was just devastated. IN fact he made TWO trips to the pawn shop...so we think he was so tickled after the first haul that he decided to take more (he stayed a second weekend at my mom's so we think he just got the idea to do it again since she had such easily accessible jewelry and clearly he was getting away with it). So there were two trips to the pawn shop...with some incredibly old, dear pieces in there. Just broke my heart to see the pictures (the pawn shop takes pics) I broke down crying in the pawn shop. I made the decision to drive up to my sister's, my son came with me, I called her a few minutes from her house, told her what I had found out, and she and I confronted him. Turns out he stole a ton from her too, she had been gone the previous weekend and he hit while she was gone. His father got home that night and of course we had a lot of tears and discussion. We gave him the choice of jail or therapy. Of course he chose the latter. Ended up that he had been taking percoset, but he swore he was clean at my house...but that he just couldn't explain why he did what he did. He blew the money on just stupid sh*t...going out with his friends...that sort of stuff. (Oh, also found out he stole some percocet from my mom's house too. )
Anyway..he went to therapy for a couple of weeks, also to drug addiction meetings, every night. I think he has stopped going to those now. He is back in school (a local community college) and working 2 jobs. His mom mentions him to me, I basically have shut him out of my heart and cannot bring myself to forgive. My son has not spoken to him. My mom has not either...she of course was completely heartbroken over all of this, but says she wants to put everything behind her now in the interest of family. I have not heard a peep from him in all this time...until last night. My sis was here for Thanksgiving - just her - and we had been shopping and her son called...and she talked to him a while, and then he asked to speak to me. I didn't want to take the call, but I did. He said Hey Aunt XXXX, Happy THanksgiving...how are you...just a light conversation. I really didn't talk much, and it was probably pretty obvious to him that I was not the same. After I ended the conversation, my sister said "You know, you didn't have to take the call if you didn't want to talk to him"...and I said "That isn't the phone call that I need to get from him - I need an apology, and I sincere heartfelt talk about how he wants to be a part of my life again."
Well things just blew up and my sister says I am being unfair and that he just took his first step towards making amends and I "sh*t all over it". She was in tears, I was too...and I dropped her off at my mom's and left.
I've been dreading a visit from her as I knew that things would be hard...but I didn't anticipate this. I had wanted to tell her that I was not going to be getting a Christmas gift for him this year because I just didn't feel that I could...and I knew that she would be upset with that...but hell this blew way up, way beyond what I expected. And I do feel bad....but I don't feel that I have been unfair. She said that I have "incredibly high standards" and that I expect everyone to be perfect. This is SO untrue. But I loved that kid...took him to Europe with me and my son a few years ago, have stood up for him EVERY SINGLE TIME that his parents accused him of something (and now of course I know that they were right about him - he is a pathological liar and manipulative as hell - there have been many past issues with this kid)....and he did that to me. I felt, and still feel...so incredibly hurt and betrayed, for myself, and for my son, and my mom. That said, he has not been in any trouble since then.
One of the last things my sister said last night...I had told her that I had this big hole in me that I didn't know how to fix...that HE would have to fix it. She says he doesn't even remember taking the stuff - that is was the drugs - and that he feels terrible about what he did, every single day. And then I said.."AS HE SHOULD!" And then she said - You think it's all about you, but it isn't about you. It's about HIM.
Jeez. AM I being unreasonable? How in the hell do we ever get past this?
Last edited by Jaded; 11-30-2013 at 10:37 PM..
Reason: language
I don't know how you get past it. She is his mother and as such sees things differently than you.
You have every right to be upset.
Your issue is not with your sister, it's with your nephew and that's the relationship that needs work. If you want a heartfelt and sincere apology from him then tell him. I would suggest writing out in a letter exactly what you're feeling from the whole episode.
If you call and tell him, he will probably apologize right away and it won't feel real to you. If you write it, he will have time to let it digest and really think about your feelings before he does.
I don't know how you get past it. She is his mother and as such sees things differently than you.
You have every right to be upset.
Your issue is not with your sister, it's with your nephew and that's the relationship that needs work. If you want a heartfelt and sincere apology from him then tell him. I would suggest writing out in a letter exactly what you're feeling from the whole episode.
If you call and tell him, he will probably apologize right away and it won't feel real to you. If you write it, he will have time to let it digest and really think about your feelings before he does.
I was just contemplating sending him a text to that effect. I just feel like I might be doing it to appease his mom, and I don't think that's the right reason. I have typed it out and hit cancel 3 times now. And hell he did give us an "I'm sorry" when we went up there...but it was because he was in shock that he had been caught. He was lying through his teeth about anything he could, and was just trying to do whatever he thought we wanted to hear. That is pretty much his M.O. He is incredibly manipulative, and an amazing liar - as least that is his past history. I just don't want to fall into that trap again.
But my sister can't see it as not being her problem. I know she wants everything "better"...but it's just going to be a long hard road to get there. It will never be what it was though.
I was just contemplating sending him a text to that effect. I just feel like I might be doing it to appease his mom, and I don't think that's the right reason. I have typed it out and hit cancel 3 times now.
Take his mom completely out of the equation.
Go to the computer and start a letter. You have many strong feelings about the whole thing. A text won't cut it. Emotion gets lost in a text. A letter you can explain the whys and such for your feelings and express them in depth.
Your relationship with your sister is separate and you deal with that however you see fit.
I don't know how you get past it. She is his mother and as such sees things differently than you.
You have every right to be upset.
Your issue is not with your sister, it's with your nephew and that's the relationship that needs work. If you want a heartfelt and sincere apology from him then tell him. I would suggest writing out in a letter exactly what you're feeling from the whole episode.
If you call and tell him, he will probably apologize right away and it won't feel real to you. If you write it, he will have time to let it digest and really think about your feelings before he does.
AM I being unreasonable, and a hard ass? How in the hell do we ever get past this?
Personally, I don't think you're being unreasonable. Your trust was violated in one of the worst way possible-- and just from what you say, it almost seems that it's being shrugged off as one of those "things". I'm also inclined to think your sister is in a bit of denial, especially since this is a family holiday-- and we all want things to be rosy. She is wrong that is not about you and that it's all about her son-- well that's the kind of mentality that landed her son in trouble in the first place. She is right though... you should not have taken the call if you weren't ready.
The way to get over it? Of course you'll never know if he's "cured" until you give him a chance. Ultimately you'll have to decide when you're ready to deal with him, ready to deal with the consequences (both good or bad) that come from that decision.
Personally, I don't think you're being unreasonable. Your trust was violated in one of the worst way possible-- and just from what you say, it almost seems that it's being shrugged off as one of those "things". I'm also inclined to think your sister is in a bit of denial, especially since this is a family holiday-- and we all want things to be rosy. She is wrong that is not about you and that it's all about her son-- well that's the kind of mentality that landed her son in trouble in the first place. She is right though... you should not have taken the call if you weren't ready.
The way to get over it? Of course you'll never know if he's "cured" until you give him a chance. Ultimately you'll have to decide when you're ready to deal with him, ready to deal with the consequences (both good or bad) that come from that decision.
I agree. I wish I hadn't. I did so because I felt that she would blow up if I didn't. No winning option there. But I should have stuck to my gut and not taken it.
... I had wanted to tell her that I was not going to be getting a Christmas gift for him this year because I just didn't feel that I could...and I knew that she would be upset with that...
I don't know why everyone thinks they *must* give everyone else a Christmas gift every year?
I'm always preaching to my broke friends that they don't have to give any gifts to anyone if they don't have the extra money. A Christmas card should do nicely - it is the thought which counts! (Just give your friends fair warning that you will not be buying gifts this year and they are not expected to buy you anything. They may REALLY appreciate that!)
Anyway it is my turn to not buy any presents for anyone and just give cards this year. I have a lot of medical expenses and my bills come first. (If there is extra money, then I will give gifts.)
Bottom line: You don't HAVE to buy Christmas gifts for anyone if you don't want to. And never do that because it is expected (if you would rather not). If other people don't like it, then too bad...
Sure, and that's really an easy thing for someone else to say. I have no desire to **** off any of my family over Christmas gifts. I no longer give gifts to my niece and nephew that are well over 21...I just don't feel it's necessary to give gifts to someone the rest of their life. My sister and brother think that's wrong. My parents - yes. My son - yes. My SO - yes. That's really what I would like to crop it down to. But it's big deal to my family.
I think there is a lot of blame shifting and excuses going on your sister and nephew's part.
For one thing, you said you have "taken up" for your nephew, even to his parents, in the past. I think this set things up for your nephew to feel rather entitled with you . . . and therefore, I think he doesn't feel he has to give you an apology - you will just "understand." WRONG. Part of growing up and facing hurtful decisions we have made and making amends for bad behavior is recognizing how wrong we were.
In this instance, mother (your sister) is trying to gloss over the seriousness of son's offenses (that is BS that your nephew "doesn't remember." He remembers. And even if he doesn't, he has been informed) Your sister is trying to smooth things over and holding you responsible for accepting a non-apology as if YOU were the problem. Once again, rather than focusing on her son being a thief, your sister changes the focus and says you have too high expectations of everyone else's behavior. Well, NO! Your sister just wants an easy way out and you are not making this easy for her - and you shouldn't. So instead of focusing on how son needs to makes amends . . .she turns the tables.
So . . . I don't know how you can easily fix this b/c to be honest - it isn't yours to fix.
But if you give in and just pretend all is well, then you are playing your nephew's game and letting your sister get away with using emotional blackmail with you (putting you in the position of needing to BE NICE and FORGIVE AND FORGET so she doesn't feel bad!!!!)
I would not be fast to have a relationship with your nephew and if this means pulling back from your sister, so be it. This is not your issue; you were ROBBED. It doesn't matter that it was your nephew as far as the seriousness of that incident. He is lucky you didn't press charges and have him arrested for larceny. The fact that he is your nephew, and someone you have been kind and generous to in the past, makes it even MORE heinous. There is simply no way this young man should be in your life til he has proven he is worthy. And if that upsets your sister . . . maybe you should remind her that if it had been anyone else, they would probably be in jail right now.
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And hell he did give us an "I'm sorry" when we went up there...but it was because he was in shock that he had been caught. He was lying through his teeth about anything he could, and was just trying to do whatever he thought we wanted to hear. That is pretty much his M.O. He is incredibly manipulative, and an amazing liar - as least that is his past history. I just don't want to fall into that trap again.
