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Old 12-09-2013, 01:39 PM
 
Location: Indiana
448 posts, read 619,492 times
Reputation: 248

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Quote:
Originally Posted by darrensmooth View Post
Is it clear? No not really, someone not invested in her wouldnt act so angrily about her dating other guys..but it seems you are on top of this situation and therefore dont need help with it....oh wait, your on a forum asking random strangers how to fix your life..

Good luck
I'm not asking you or anyone to fix my life, I want advice on one small part of it. And it annoys me for several reasons; 1)She broke the agreement we made 2) She's not listening to me and coming back for more advice then doing the opposite 3) I know I'm better than these guys and feel a little insulted she goes for them over me, even though I don't really want to date her at this point.
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Old 12-09-2013, 01:40 PM
 
Location: Indiana
448 posts, read 619,492 times
Reputation: 248
Quote:
Originally Posted by SOON2BNSURPRISE View Post
What you need to do is man up to this situation. You like this girl and I would bet it hurts to hear about her other crushes. I wouldn't want to hear about them either.

You need to talk with her, let her know how you feel about her. Tell her that because you are into her that you just don't want to hear about the other men she may be interested in. Lay everything on the table. I would even tell her that you see her as part of your future. Then let her know that if she isn't into you and still only wants to be friends that you are ok with that but you still do not want to hear about her other crushes. What ever you do focus on you and her.

I have a sister that kind of dated this one guy off and on and then they hit the friendszone for maybe 7 or 8 years. They were best friends and each of them knew the others SO's. This guy would ask my sister advice on everything. Finally he ended up realizing that the person he should be with is my sister. They have been married for over 5 years now.

Just got to realize what you want and go after it.
I've had this discussion twice. I agree that's the reasonable thing to do but she isn't listening.
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Old 12-09-2013, 01:42 PM
 
Location: The Great West
2,077 posts, read 2,010,998 times
Reputation: 4068
Quote:
Originally Posted by InternetTroll View Post
So you agree with me then? If I don't want to deal with this its not unreasonable for me to just drop her?

They are ****ty, she likes ****ty guys. I'm not just saying that. One of her ex's in jail, another is a junkie, and the current guy she was talking about is unemployed. She's a nice girl but she has some weird thing for people that have really managed to ruin their lives. It would be one thing if she went for normal dudes that didn't cause her drama and maybe I heard something about them once in a while, I really wouldn't have a problem with that. While I'm here with my college education and a reasonable understanding of how to take care of myself and how to treat people who treat me well and having to hear her talk about these total ****ups.
I guess I do agree with you then. You don't sound like a very good friend. I don't think it's necessary for all friends to gossip about love lives but she wants to talk to you about hers. You don't want to hear it and while you claim not to care much about her or even want her as a gf, you are still bitter that she rejected you and prefers other dudes. I wouldn't want a friend with baggage like that. So yeah, end the friendship if you can't get over these things.

Also, since when does being unemployed make someone a loser??

And one note: My username is savoytruffle. Not savorytruffle. Savoy Truffle is the name of a Beatles song.

Last edited by savoytruffle; 12-09-2013 at 01:52 PM.. Reason: messed up pronouns..sheesh
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Old 12-09-2013, 01:43 PM
 
Location: Indiana
448 posts, read 619,492 times
Reputation: 248
Quote:
Originally Posted by thatswanlady View Post
I'm really not asking this sarcastically, I promise...but isn't there a huge difference between listening to someone's problems versus being dragged in to their "drama"?

I think so. Like I said in my last post, I've had some friends with some serious relationship drama, though again, this has lessened with age and marriage. Even when we were all running around like insane love-morons, the closest of us were dragged into any drama beyond having to listen to each other vent. I still have a couple of friends who refuse to learn from their mistakes and while I roll my eyes while talking to them on the phone, I wouldn't end the friendship over it.

If she's asking you to confront her latest dude of the week, or somehow insert yourself into the situation -- then yes, I could see how you would feel dragged into the drama and that's definitely over the line on her part. But if she's just venting a little bit or asking for some advice, that's a whole different game that a friend should be able to handle. I know that I've genuinely wanted my guy friends' opinions at different points in my life, because that perspective can be quite helpful.

You only want to be her friend if she doesn't acknowledge her love life. That's not friendship. That's cordial office colleagues, and it sounds like that's all you should be.
I'd say I'm getting dragged into it because I care and I do feel a tad like this is insult to injury. True she's not totally involving me in it but she knows I don't approve of it so she should just not go there with me.

Also sure I can be her colleague but we do get along alright otherwise and do have fun together.
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Old 12-09-2013, 02:19 PM
 
3,592 posts, read 4,709,028 times
Reputation: 4735
You two can't be friends. The most sensible thing at this point to go for is colleagues-who-bear-no-ill-will-towards each other. You stay there. Even if in her immaturity or obliviousness she tries to drag you to the friendzone to listen to her woes. In a way you brought this on yourself. Agreeing to be friends and then:

1. Continuing to hope for more
2. Harboring jealousy and bitterness when she came to you as a friend to talk about a relationship in her life
3.Trying to make her honor boundaries of an agreement that you did not agree to in good faith. (if you secretly hoped she would change her feelings towards you).

Was you, attempting to manipulate the situation. I do empathize. In some ways I have been exactly where you are at some point earlier in life. Crushes hurt. Un-requited love hurts. But when we continue to set ourselves up instead of accepting what is, and moving on..that's not the other person's fault. People are entitled to their preferences. The concept of "love" should not be abused and played with, and neither should the concept of friendship. But people do it, everyday. And get hurt in exactly this way.

Learn from this, clean up the work-related part of your association with her, and keep it clean, for everyone's sake. Forget about having her as a romantic interest. No good can come from you continuing to hang on (even secretly in your heart) No socializing. No hemming and hawing about giving things a try. Just pleasant, polite, effective conversations about the work.
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Old 12-09-2013, 03:07 PM
 
Location: Living on the Coast in Oxnard CA
15,693 posts, read 26,672,250 times
Reputation: 20272
Quote:
Originally Posted by InternetTroll View Post
I've had this discussion twice. I agree that's the reasonable thing to do but she isn't listening.
Then you drop her, forget about her, and move on. I know where you are coming from. You are me years ago. The only way that this dating thing works is when both parties are on the same page. You two are in differant books. You are probably the best choice for her. You could probably make a good life with this girl. She wants to play games but it seems that you are only a sounding board to see how she can make her next move with those she chooses to play with.

If you want to continue the friedship then all you have to so is lay your cards on the table. If she doesn't follow your wishes then walk away when she brings up the boys in her life. I would say something like, look, you know how I feel about your love life and I don't want to hear it, then walk away.

Life is too short to wait on those that have differant dreams. Plenty of people dreaming about the same thing that you are dreaming about.
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Old 12-09-2013, 04:10 PM
 
3,592 posts, read 4,709,028 times
Reputation: 4735
Quote:
Originally Posted by SOON2BNSURPRISE View Post
The only way that this dating thing works is when both parties are on the same page. You two are in differant books. You are probably the best choice for her. You could probably make a good life with this girl. She wants to play games but it seems that you are only a sounding board to see how she can make her next move with those she chooses to play with
Let's say:

He is the best choice for her
He could make a good life with her

None of this means much if she does not find herself attracted to him, and I think it's idiotic when a person pushes for a romance and continually has their advances rebuffed. The girl is not wrong or bad because she is not attracted to him. She is entitled to what she prefers in a guy.

We don't know if she wants to play games or, actually has trust in that the guy really does want to be a REAL friend, she confides in him. Attributing evil motives to her (as if she is lying awake at night thinking of ways to hurt him) is not very helpful and since we don't know the couple, we do not know whether it is true, either.

It's is NOT okay to pine for a girl and after time, finds she does not return your feelings to start thinking awful things about her simply because she wants what she wants. When the guy pretended to go along with the "FRIEND" plan, but wanted romance, no one accused HIM of playing games. That was exactly what he was doing, though. And when confusion and hurt ensued, suddenly it's okay to blame everything on the woman's "stony heartedness".
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Old 12-09-2013, 04:27 PM
 
Location: Indiana
448 posts, read 619,492 times
Reputation: 248
Quote:
Originally Posted by laorbust61 View Post
Let's say:

He is the best choice for her
He could make a good life with her

None of this means much if she does not find herself attracted to him, and I think it's idiotic when a person pushes for a romance and continually has their advances rebuffed. The girl is not wrong or bad because she is not attracted to him. She is entitled to what she prefers in a guy.

We don't know if she wants to play games or, actually has trust in that the guy really does want to be a REAL friend, she confides in him. Attributing evil motives to her (as if she is lying awake at night thinking of ways to hurt him) is not very helpful and since we don't know the couple, we do not know whether it is true, either.

It's is NOT okay to pine for a girl and after time, finds she does not return your feelings to start thinking awful things about her simply because she wants what she wants. When the guy pretended to go along with the "FRIEND" plan, but wanted romance, no one accused HIM of playing games. That was exactly what he was doing, though. And when confusion and hurt ensued, suddenly it's okay to blame everything on the woman's "stony heartedness".
I'm not playing games and I don't know where you or anyone is getting the idea that I stayed her friend because I wanted more. That would be stupid and a waste of time. I do like her as a friend but if she's going to annoy me by talking about other guys, specifically ones that cause drama, then I don't want to be her friend. That's where this is coming from.

Like I've said about 4 times I'd like to resolve this where we can be friends and not talk about our relationships. Its not a hard thing to do. In fact I never even talk to her about other girls and she has no idea of what my dating life is outside of what she has personally seen, I don't know why she can't do the same for me.
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Old 12-10-2013, 07:18 AM
 
8,199 posts, read 6,100,841 times
Reputation: 11730
Us guys are really bad about pretending to be friends when we really want something more.
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Old 12-10-2013, 07:30 AM
 
Location: Indiana
448 posts, read 619,492 times
Reputation: 248
Quote:
Originally Posted by War Beagle View Post
Us guys are really bad about pretending to be friends when we really want something more.
Good to know, too bad that's not relevant.
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