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Old 12-11-2013, 06:29 AM
 
6,461 posts, read 6,457,074 times
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I know I make the plans in my family, and I have to push my husband to call and see his mother. I think she blames me for his nonchalance, so she resents me.

I finally stopped pushing him to make plans and call her, for the most part. I figure she will be snarky to me anyways and they need to work things out themselves.

I book her flights to see us, invite her for vacations, send her presents for Mother's Day and Christmas, and send her photos and packages from our daughter. I have loved her and treated her like my own mother, but she is so hurtful and sarcastic with my husband, myself, and our daughter. It's weird because she only changed after our daughter was born.
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Old 12-11-2013, 06:35 AM
 
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eh.....Mother in laws are easy

you should try having a Grandmother in law.
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Old 12-11-2013, 07:08 AM
 
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Default Agree with the poster who said young age is a factor,

when one cannot get along with a mother-in-law. My former MIL tried to rule everyone's life, including mine. Everyone was afraid of her temper and generally let her get her way. She rented our first apartment, bought my engagement ring, as well as our dinnerware without consulting us at all. She tried to talk me into having the wedding in their city, rather than at my hometown church, because "more people could attend." Did stand my ground on that one! Looking back, I should have been mature enough to tactfully refuse, but I really didn't know how and was intimidated by her and her reputation--my mother was not like that at all.
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Old 12-11-2013, 01:32 PM
 
Location: Ft. Myers
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My ex wife's parents hated me for the 28 years we were married. I can generally prove to people I am a decent person and win them over, but not with them. The MIL was the worst, but her Dad was no gem either. At our wedding reception I took him aside and said to him "I just want you to know I love your Daughter and will always take good care of her." His response was " Well, I hope so, but you never know what you are getting !"

It was that way for our entire married life, and when we were moving out of State I was the bad guy because, according to them, I was "Doing it on purpose to keep my Sons away from them !" There was no pleasing them, and when my ex and I divorced it was like a weight had been lifted off of me, getting rid of those two at the same time. Two of the most negative people who have ever walked the earth, and they profess to be good Christians too.

Don
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Old 12-11-2013, 03:33 PM
 
Location: The analog world
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Twenty-five years later, we're still like oil and water, but we've both learned to be civil in the interest of the wonderful man we both adore.
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Old 12-11-2013, 04:14 PM
 
Location: SoCal
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I've been married three times (yes, it took me that long to figure out how to do it right). I lucked out ... I have had three wonderful MIL's.
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Old 12-11-2013, 09:14 PM
 
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I wonder if any tendency for the same person to have more friction with a daughter-in-law rather than a son-in-law might be due to the differences in how women relate to men versus to other women. Of course no generalization will apply to all, but a woman may feel more competitive with a daughter-in-law as a replacement or someone who is trying to compete for "the most important female" in their son's life. On the flips side, with a son-in-law they may not experience the same feelings of being replaced or pushed out because they just don't identify themselves with a male 20-30 years younger, and therefore may never have any feelings of competition.

To some extent, women are hard-wired biologically to compete with each other in a way they aren't with men. Obviously that isn't at play with everyone, but I think it may provide some explanation for why some women might react differently to male children versus female children taking on a spouse.
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Old 12-11-2013, 11:16 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
24,812 posts, read 23,754,084 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lizzyst View Post
when one cannot get along with a mother-in-law. My former MIL tried to rule everyone's life, including mine. Everyone was afraid of her temper and generally let her get her way. She rented our first apartment, bought my engagement ring, as well as our dinnerware without consulting us at all. She tried to talk me into having the wedding in their city, rather than at my hometown church, because "more people could attend." Did stand my ground on that one! Looking back, I should have been mature enough to tactfully refuse, but I really didn't know how and was intimidated by her and her reputation--my mother was not like that at all.
This sounds like my mother-in law. She did just about everything that she could to get her way. I can only imagine that she didn't like me from the moment that she set eyes on me - maybe sooner because she knew that she was going to meet me. I refused to participate in the games.

It took many years and a terminal illness for her to accept me. I'm glad that we could finally be friends. I miss her.
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Old 12-13-2013, 01:51 AM
 
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I think it really boils down to whether or not the people involved are willing to accept someone new into their inner circle. Some families are built this way, no one is good enough.

I wanted to get close with my MIL and SILs but they are extremely catty. I was young when I met my husband and didn't really know how to deal with some of it. I avoided women like that in high school and later as an adult. I also didn't experience much bullying behavior in my life either, so getting it all at once was pretty tough. I wish I would have had more confidence to nip the snide comments and other stuff in the bud from the beginning but I wasn't sure how to react and just basically wanted to fit in. My husband and I saw a counselor during those real rough patches and she suggested that my husband start stepping up. He did and honestly, I think it made it worse. I then was accused of pulling him away from the family, I changed him and all sorts of other nonsense. I always felt like they were looking for something and when we stood up to them, they got what they wanted. It always felt like a no win situation for me.

We moved away from them and I don't see them as often. They are fake polite with me now. I cut off the information train so they really don't have too many details about my life anymore. Sometimes my MIL tries to drill me for info and Im vague. I know it bothers her but I just don't want to go down that road again. They also have had changes in their lives to keep them busy. New grandkids, hobbies and so forth. So I think they have other things to focus on now. Funny thing, after we moved away they don't have the big get togethers like they used to. I can't help but wonder at times if hating on me was a huge source of entertainment.

I have see the flip side. The woman my brother married really gave my mom a hard time. She was pretty vocal to my brother on how much she disliked how our family did things. She never once in the 20 some years my brother and her were married did she ever call my mother by her first name. She always referred to my mom as "Tom's mother". This always bothered my mom. Again, I think it boils down to whether or not people want to let you in.
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Old 12-13-2013, 03:52 AM
 
25,953 posts, read 26,701,198 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rubi3 View Post
My MIL was a huge problem in my life because she apparently resented that her only child married. Yes, we were too young, but I don't think it would have mattered no matter what age. I was 17 and he was 20. I was dumb as a sack of rocks, but her baby boy was dumber. So many of the mother-in-law jokes show the wife's mother as the bad one, but in my opinion, it is likely to be the husband's mother. Over the years of checking into it, I'm sure of my findings. Even if the son is of age, mothers still have a harder time letting go than they do with daughters. How was your situation?
I can smell a first or last born baby boy a mile away now. You can just tell sometimes about some things. I even saw it in my own family. I was an only daughter with all brothers and I also dated my fair share of baby boys and I can tell you that there is no greater bond, in my opinion based on my own experiences, than that of a mother and her first or last born son.
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