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Old 12-05-2013, 04:36 PM
 
501 posts, read 927,084 times
Reputation: 725

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So my wife has a high degree of anxiousness, and doing activities that are different for her triggers her anxiousness. She gets nervous and uncomfortable when doing new things, and doing things that she used to do growing up or with her family is a lot more comfortable for her.

Every year at the holidays, I try to lead my family by doing fun and neat things at Christmas, but she just gets anxious about them and would rather do the exact same thing as she did growing up with her sister. Things like cutting a tree at a u-cut tree farm instead of getting a tree at a tree stand or forest, as well as many other things. It causes a lot of frustration because I enjoy finding new things to do and taking my family to some of the ways that I do things.

This year getting the Christmas tree wasn't fun, because my wife kept fussing that we weren't at the right location and the tree doesn't look nice enough and her sister wasn't with us, it was boring and too long of drive....yet the fact that I was enjoying it and we got a nice looking tree didn't seem to make any difference...

I don't know what to do...the easy answer is just do everything the way that she wants so she is happy, but that means taking away things in life that I enjoy....

I'm just very frustrated.....
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Old 12-05-2013, 05:47 PM
 
4,096 posts, read 6,174,145 times
Reputation: 7406
Are you sure this is a high degree of anxiety? Has she been formally diagnosed? Or is she just controlling?

If she has been diagnosed there must be some meds and treatment therapy that would alleviate her anxiety to participate in equal activities. Otherwise she is just a manipulating controller.
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Old 12-05-2013, 05:50 PM
 
Location: southwestern PA
22,239 posts, read 47,165,320 times
Reputation: 47133
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kayekaye View Post
Are you sure this is a high degree of anxiety? Has she been formally diagnosed? Or is she just controlling?

If she has been diagnosed there must be some meds and treatment therapy that would alleviate her anxiety to participate in equal activities. Otherwise she is just a manipulating controller.
That ran through my mind too....
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Old 12-05-2013, 06:03 PM
 
Location: Northern Illinois
2,186 posts, read 4,545,961 times
Reputation: 6398
I guess without more information it would be hard to really say the proper thing. If this is a "new" attitude for her I would most definitely sit her down and have a talk with her about it - she may not even be aware that she is acting differently. Has she had any recent upset or illness or received any bad news of any kind that would add to her anxiety (major illness, death in family, lay-offs, problems with your children, etc.), is she perhaps in menopause? That in itself can give a woman fits - all kinds of weird stuff going on with hormones and stuff. If she has always been this way, and it is just now bothering you - you may just have to deal with it. I guess not knowing the dynamics of your relationship (and not wanting to - that is between you two) you need to figure out what changed, why, when, and if/how it can be fixed. What's with the fixation on the sister - is this new or have they always been close? Maybe she could offer some advice? Good luck - just be open and honest with her, remind her that the holidays are about love and peace and that your children will look back and remember the memories they are making today - so she needs to help you make sure they are good ones. You also deserve to enjoy the holidays too - you work hard all year, and it affects all of you, not just her.
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Old 12-05-2013, 07:19 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,879 posts, read 77,093,118 times
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The way I read OP's post, he is referring to "every year" his wife insists on doing things a certain way or she gets upset. This is not a matter of her suddenly developing some sort of anxiety issues.

Seems to me OP is the one wanting to control things. He has known all along that his wife wants to "stick to tradition" and every year, he gets frustrated b/c he wants her to change.

She isn't going to change. This isn't an anxiety issue. She is just an inflexible person and she feels cheated if she doesn't get to do things as she has always done them. So she gets upset.

I would suspect she is like this about everything in her life.

What is surprising to me is . . . that something that has been occurring over time is just now hitting OP as a possible problem and a source of unhappiness for him.
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Old 12-05-2013, 07:24 PM
 
35,095 posts, read 50,961,628 times
Reputation: 62660
Quote:
Originally Posted by twoincomes View Post
So my wife has a high degree of anxiousness, and doing activities that are different for her triggers her anxiousness. She gets nervous and uncomfortable when doing new things, and doing things that she used to do growing up or with her family is a lot more comfortable for her.

Every year at the holidays, I try to lead my family by doing fun and neat things at Christmas, but she just gets anxious about them and would rather do the exact same thing as she did growing up with her sister. Things like cutting a tree at a u-cut tree farm instead of getting a tree at a tree stand or forest, as well as many other things. It causes a lot of frustration because I enjoy finding new things to do and taking my family to some of the ways that I do things.

This year getting the Christmas tree wasn't fun, because my wife kept fussing that we weren't at the right location and the tree doesn't look nice enough and her sister wasn't with us, it was boring and too long of drive....yet the fact that I was enjoying it and we got a nice looking tree didn't seem to make any difference...

I don't know what to do...the easy answer is just do everything the way that she wants so she is happy, but that means taking away things in life that I enjoy....

I'm just very frustrated.....

Talk to HER and tell her what you wrote here.
She really may not realize how miserable she makes every outing.

I personally can't stand to be away from home for more than 3 days but we are currently planning a trip to Yellow Stone this coming summer and staying for 2 weeks.
It will be quite a challenge for me however, I will try very hard to control my anxiety and enjoy my time with my husband, daughter, son in law and grandsons.
St Johns Wort is one of my very best friends during times like this.
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Old 12-05-2013, 10:02 PM
 
Location: NYC
16,061 posts, read 26,635,793 times
Reputation: 24847
I suffer from anxiety as well, not quite the same as your wife, fit I understand her thought process. I would suggest a few things.

*if she is not seeing a doctor she needs to
*talk to your wife about your frustration
*you say you like new things! was she like this before you were married?
*make your own traditions. Talk them out beforehand. Plan everything out with her, so she can have her anxiety lessened.
*do a few smaller new things ar a time throughout the year.

It takes awhile to change your thought process. Best of luck, I know it is hard. Be patient and love her. She will love you ten times more for putting up with her.
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Old 12-10-2013, 06:08 PM
 
149 posts, read 205,943 times
Reputation: 106
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
The way I read OP's post, he is referring to "every year" his wife insists on doing things a certain way or she gets upset. This is not a matter of her suddenly developing some sort of anxiety issues.

Seems to me OP is the one wanting to control things. He has known all along that his wife wants to "stick to tradition" and every year, he gets frustrated b/c he wants her to change.

She isn't going to change. This isn't an anxiety issue. She is just an inflexible person and she feels cheated if she doesn't get to do things as she has always done them. So she gets upset.

I would suspect she is like this about everything in her life.

What is surprising to me is . . . that something that has been occurring over time is just now hitting OP as a possible problem and a source of unhappiness for him.
Doesn't seem like a problem of control here....but rather an issue of preferences and unwillingness to compromise....
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Old 12-10-2013, 06:13 PM
 
Location: SW Missouri
15,853 posts, read 35,001,778 times
Reputation: 22693
Quote:
Originally Posted by twoincomes View Post
So my wife has a high degree of anxiousness, and doing activities that are different for her triggers her anxiousness. She gets nervous and uncomfortable when doing new things, and doing things that she used to do growing up or with her family is a lot more comfortable for her.

Every year at the holidays, I try to lead my family by doing fun and neat things at Christmas, but she just gets anxious about them and would rather do the exact same thing as she did growing up with her sister. Things like cutting a tree at a u-cut tree farm instead of getting a tree at a tree stand or forest, as well as many other things. It causes a lot of frustration because I enjoy finding new things to do and taking my family to some of the ways that I do things.

This year getting the Christmas tree wasn't fun, because my wife kept fussing that we weren't at the right location and the tree doesn't look nice enough and her sister wasn't with us, it was boring and too long of drive....yet the fact that I was enjoying it and we got a nice looking tree didn't seem to make any difference...

I don't know what to do...the easy answer is just do everything the way that she wants so she is happy, but that means taking away things in life that I enjoy....

I'm just very frustrated.....
I rarely recommend medication. In fact, I almost never recommend medication. But in your wife's case, I recommend medication.

Or maybe a glass of wine.

20yrsinBranson
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Old 12-11-2013, 06:30 AM
 
16,488 posts, read 24,392,781 times
Reputation: 16338
Your wife is very much a creature of habit. Has she sought therapy for her anxiety? Medication? I think I would ask her to try just 1 new thing each year, for you and the kids. Think of something that is not off the wall that she might enjoy and see if she will agree to do it. Tell her if she doesn't like it you will not do it again and next year you will try something different.
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