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Old 12-12-2013, 07:31 AM
 
3,395 posts, read 3,344,919 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by theGreat1 View Post
I'd still go but tell your daughter to skip it. After all, it's your cousin's family too. Your daughter's boyfriend is still just a boyfriend and those come and go. If they were married that might be a little different, as then the BF would be part of the family, which would bring up a whole different set of issues. Tell daughter to skip it for now. I doubt the BF wants to be there anyhow.
And that would be interpreted like this:

"She told them not to come. Obviously, she is uncomfortable around her daughter's boyfriend as much as I am. She just doesn't want to say so out loud."

Racist feels validated. Boyfriend feels excluded. The end.
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Old 12-12-2013, 01:09 PM
 
13,675 posts, read 13,522,289 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by theGreat1 View Post
I'd still go but tell your daughter to skip it. After all, it's your cousin's family too. Your daughter's boyfriend is still just a boyfriend and those come and go. If they were married that might be a little different, as then the BF would be part of the family, which would bring up a whole different set of issues. Tell daughter to skip it for now. I doubt the BF wants to be there anyhow.
I don't like this solution at ALL. Daughter misses out on the family time that she cherishes, while her parents go and hang with the racist? They're a family unit with a shared point of view, right? If the daughter and BF stay home, the OP and spouse should stay home too.

If significant others are welcome at this gathering whether they are married or not, then it doesn't matter that the guy is "just" a BF. He's not a dangerous criminal or substance abuser, presumably, so there's no excuse except the cousin's racism for him to not be there.

OP, chat with the cousin to feel her out. If she gets nasty at the party, just say "Wow" very politely and pack up your family and go home.
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Old 12-12-2013, 01:57 PM
Status: "serving a suspended sentence for not being a right winger" (set 6 days ago)
 
Location: Columbia, SC
7,331 posts, read 4,427,737 times
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I'd actually sit down with my daughter and her BF and ask them if they want to go. If they don't, then maybe it's time to start thinking about a new familiy tradition. He's part of your family now, even if he never becomes your SIL. Let him have a say. If they don't want to go, then I'd say you guys don't go either.

And then tell your cousin that it was a joint decision since she made all of you folks feel uncomfortable.

The thing about some people is that they don't realize that just because you're blood related, it does not mean you're family!
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Old 12-12-2013, 03:24 PM
 
29,189 posts, read 15,346,951 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kab0906 View Post
Racist people don't change. She might shut up but you know where her heart is. Minimum contact is what I suggest.
Since most racism is based upon ignorance, I respectfully disagree.

Growing up in the early 80's, I used to say a lot of homophobic things. I hadn't had any exposure to gay people (that I knew of) and it was somewhat accepted behavior (verbal gay bashing) in the group I was around. One day, a good friend (fake name Nick) of mine came out of the closet. That changed everything for me. What's funny/weird/sad is that another friend (we'll say Steve) who made negative comments about my gay friend and ridiculed my continued relationship with him came out of the closet about a year later, and he actually hooked up with Nick as his first gay encounter. Then, a mutual friend of mine and Steve's, who talked a lot of trash about gay people, came out of the closet. Then a female friend, who hadn't talked any gay trash, and then another female friend who had hooked up with Steve a couple years earlier. Of course, by the time the final three came out, I already knew that was the case.

Anyway, my ignorance and pre-conceived notions were the cause of a very shameful part of my life, but all it took was exposure to some gay people for me to quickly realize what an az$hat I was.

True, the cousin might not ever change, but I wouldn't say that was a certainty, and I'd at least attempt to help her with those issues before completely writing her off.

That's my opinion at least.
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Old 12-12-2013, 06:43 PM
 
305 posts, read 305,476 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector View Post
I don't like this solution at ALL. Daughter misses out on the family time that she cherishes, while her parents go and hang with the racist? They're a family unit with a shared point of view, right? If the daughter and BF stay home, the OP and spouse should stay home too.

If significant others are welcome at this gathering whether they are married or not, then it doesn't matter that the guy is "just" a BF. He's not a dangerous criminal or substance abuser, presumably, so there's no excuse except the cousin's racism for him to not be there.

OP, chat with the cousin to feel her out. If she gets nasty at the party, just say "Wow" very politely and pack up your family and go home.
That's your opinion.

So, in other words, you would throw away your own blood relatives for any boyfriend or girlfriend that comes along? Some people have 3,4,5+ boyfriends/girlfriends in their lives and that could mean a new blood relative is lost everytime there is a major disagreement. In all likelihood, this particular boyfriend isn't going to workout long term anyway. The odds are against that. He could wind up cheating on her tomorrow or leaving her in the future, which is most likely going to happen.

I'm not telling the OP to drop the boyfriend but, do not place boyfriends/girlfriends above blood.
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Old 12-12-2013, 09:28 PM
 
2,727 posts, read 2,266,865 times
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Okay, I think there's a pretty big difference btwn cracking some off color, inappropriate jokes and posting over the top racist stuff from a hate website.

That's a tough one.
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Old 12-13-2013, 11:17 AM
 
3,395 posts, read 3,344,919 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PedroMartinez View Post
Since most racism is based upon ignorance, I respectfully disagree.

Growing up in the early 80's, I used to say a lot of homophobic things. I hadn't had any exposure to gay people (that I knew of) and it was somewhat accepted behavior (verbal gay bashing) in the group I was around. One day, a good friend (fake name Nick) of mine came out of the closet. That changed everything for me. What's funny/weird/sad is that another friend (we'll say Steve) who made negative comments about my gay friend and ridiculed my continued relationship with him came out of the closet about a year later, and he actually hooked up with Nick as his first gay encounter. Then, a mutual friend of mine and Steve's, who talked a lot of trash about gay people, came out of the closet. Then a female friend, who hadn't talked any gay trash, and then another female friend who had hooked up with Steve a couple years earlier. Of course, by the time the final three came out, I already knew that was the case.

Anyway, my ignorance and pre-conceived notions were the cause of a very shameful part of my life, but all it took was exposure to some gay people for me to quickly realize what an az$hat I was.

True, the cousin might not ever change, but I wouldn't say that was a certainty, and I'd at least attempt to help her with those issues before completely writing her off.

That's my opinion at least.
This 100 times.!!

Sometimes getting to know one person can change your life. I had known a total of two gay people that, unfortunately, were both kind of jerks. One was the vicious office gossip and the other kept hitting on my boyfriend right in front of me. I didn't have a high opinion of gay people until I really got to know a lesbian couple that was close friends with my sister. We spent a three-day weekend in Vegas and had in-depth conversations about gay rights.

At the time I was one of these, "I think they want SPECIAL privileges and I'm tired of hearing about it. Nobody is BORN gay" people. These two wonderful ladies really changed my perception and mindset. Some things they told me sparked my interest and I started doing some research about the history of gay rights (I highly recommend it). My feelings about the gay community changed about 180 degrees. Just in time too because my son came out about a year later.
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Old 12-13-2013, 12:55 PM
 
811 posts, read 1,036,289 times
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You need to put some interracial porn tapes under her christmas tree
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Old 12-19-2013, 02:33 PM
 
12,890 posts, read 15,380,475 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Joe the Photog View Post
I'd actually sit down with my daughter and her BF and ask them if they want to go. If they don't, then maybe it's time to start thinking about a new familiy tradition. He's part of your family now, even if he never becomes your SIL. Let him have a say. If they don't want to go, then I'd say you guys don't go either.

And then tell your cousin that it was a joint decision since she made all of you folks feel uncomfortable.

The thing about some people is that they don't realize that just because you're blood related, it does not mean you're family!
Makes sense to me...all good!
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Old 12-19-2013, 05:39 PM
 
5,574 posts, read 5,816,862 times
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Ask BF what he wants to do and follow his lead. I'm sure he's no stranger to dealing with that sort of ignorance.

The two of them need to figure out the best way to navigate their way through this. When you commit to someone, their family is sort of part of the package, warts and all. His family probably has some warty relatives as well.
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